


If Love Could Be The Cure We Need - A MakoHaru Medical AU

by ImmediatelyWriting



Category: Free!
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Medical, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boarding School, Boys In Love, Developing Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto, Eventual Relationships, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Free! Characters - Freeform, Free! Dive to the Future, Free! Eternal Summer, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay, Happy Ending, Hospital, I Ship It, I already finished writing, Inspired by Extraordinary Means, Iwatobi, LGBT, LGBTQ, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love, M/M, Medical, Medical Conditions, Medical Examination, Multi, No Spoilers, Sick Character, Sickfic, Slow Burn, Swim Club, Teen Angst, Terminal Illnesses, angsty, makoharu - Freeform, reigisa - Freeform, sourin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 49,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24440815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmediatelyWriting/pseuds/ImmediatelyWriting
Summary: When Haruka gets diagnosed with a terminal disease, he gets send off to a boarding school for sick teenagers.All he wants is to get his normal life back.But then he meets Makoto and his group of friends. They’re just like Haruka – sick and dying – but they still see the good in everything.They teach Haruka the ways of living with dying through troublemaking and weirdness.Because of them, Haruka quickly realizes that friendship and love is a cure better than any vaccine known to mankind.
Relationships: Hazuki Nagisa/Ryuugazaki Rei, Matsuoka Rin/Yamazaki Sousuke, Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto
Comments: 92
Kudos: 61





	1. Everywhere Else But Here

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 1: Everywhere Else But Here

My first night in years where I’m not sleeping in my own bed. I’m not even sure if I’m going to be able to sleep anymore, because it’s already three AM.

Ever since the moment that I wrapped myself up in the itchy blanket I’ve been trying to ignore the knowledge that people have died in this bed. Probably about four to ten people could’ve been lying in this bed the moment their heart stopped beating.

The walls are thin and I can hear sobbing coming from the dorm room beside me. I wonder what that kid’s crying about, could be anything really. This isn’t the place to be happy or to sleep well at nights. No, it’s a place of anxiousness, fear and pain.

I’ve only arrived this evening, when it was already dark outside, but I’m already wanting to go back home. Which I can’t, because I’m here for a reason; I’m dying, just like every other teenager that’s been send here by their parents. Some of them might be here because living at a boarding school specialized in rare diseases is cheaper than having to go to the hospital every week and talking to a million different specialists, while others might just be here so they can spend time with other teenagers that are the same as them.

I’m here for neither of those reasons. I’m here because what started with weakness, fatigue and shortness of breath turned out to be Amyloidosis.

When I was diagnosed not too long ago the doctors told me I’d be too dangerous for me to live on my own, and my parents didn’t have the possibility to come back to Iwatobi to care for me because of my father’s work. They didn’t even seem to care that if they didn’t come home I’d have to go to a special school far from home somewhere located in the middle of nowhere – literally, we’re in the woods far from the “real” world.

But still, even though I didn’t ask for it, I had to say goodbye to my house, my swim club and everything else that I had to leave behind in Iwatobi so, this morning, I could go for a long ride to some kind of special school for teenagers with rare terminal diseases.

***

I had to get up at six this morning, which was strange because on a usual Wednesday morning I like to stay in bed up to the moment that I actually have to rush to school to get there in time. But today I couldn’t, because to have somewhat warm water and a little privacy you have to go to showers before everyone else wakes up.

So that’s what I did; I got up way earlier than everyone else so I can take a long warm shower before breakfast.

While I’m standing under the running water I realize how much I’m going to miss taking a bath and how I don’t like that there’s a time limit on how long the water stays warm. Because after half an hour of showering the water gets very cold, and I have to stop showering if I don’t want to feel cold all day.

I put on my clothes and decide to go back to my room for a little while. I didn’t yet have the time to unpack my things, not that I brought much.

When I walk into my dorm room I notice how empty and small it actually is, it seems even more boring in daylight. All there is, is a bed, desk, closet and a phone we can use to contact our family and friends.

I sigh, knowing that trying to make this look homey will be hard. So I don’t even try; I just unpack my bag by moving my clothes into the closet, draping my own bedding onto the bed and leaving everything that I don’t need that often in the bag under my bed.

I’m done unpacking by seven and decide to go outside. There should be a guide coming for me any moment, at least that’s what a nurse called Aki told me when I arrived. He’s another teenager who lives here and he should be waiting for me at the porch of our dorm so he can show me to the dining hall.

But when I arrive at the porch he’s not there yet. And by the time other teenagers start to head for the dining hall my guide – whose name should be Hisato according to nurse Aki – still hasn’t arrived.

Sighing and slowly growing hungrier I wait another ten minutes before deciding that I should head for the dining hall on my own. So I follow a group of teenagers who are also heading for the dining hall and find out that it wasn’t at all that hard to find.

The dining hall is a large and crowded cafeteria and there’s a lot to pick from. I almost immediately bump into a stand holding most of the trays. I grab one and just get in the line for the food.

I calmly get my breakfast; one slice of toasted bread with cheese, which isn’t what I normally would eat but they didn’t have any mackerel. That’s it, because I’m not that hungry lately, ever since I started showing symptoms of Amyloidosis my appetite just disappeared.

When I reach the end of the line the nutritionist glares at my plate with the single slice of bread for a moment. I’m pretty sure she’s mad, because her voice is stern when she says, “I can’t let you eat that small amount of food.”

I shrug, glancing at my food not knowing what I did wrong. It’s not more than what I usually eat.

“Look, kid, you’ll have to get back into the line and get some more food,” she continues, sounding disappointed. “It’s important to eat a good healthy breakfast.”

I let out a sigh and go all the way back to the end of the line to have another walk past the plates with breakfast muffins, rice, fruits, yoghurts and a million other kinds of breakfasts.

“Wow, she sounded pretty mad,” the kid in front of me mumbles. He’s probably talking about the nutritionist because she sounded pretty un-amused.

The teenager right in front of me turns around and asks, “I haven’t seen you around, are you new here?” He glares at me with his pinkish eyes while he waits for an answer.

I eventually nod.

“That’s what I thought,” the teenager continues. “I’m Nagisa, and this is Rei.” He steps aside so I can see the other teenager who’s in a wheelchair getting pushed by Nagisa.

“Hello.” Rei greets me with a smile, bringing his trembling hand up to his face to readjust his red framed glasses. I awkwardly glance away when I introduce myself to them. “I’m Haruka,” I say.

“Wait, but if it’s your first day,” Rei mumbles, looking from me to Nagisa and back at me again. “then where’s your guide?”

I shrug again, because even now that I’m standing here in a large cafeteria, I still haven’t seen even a glimpse of Hisato. Which is what worries me, because there’s a group of people sitting at every table and I know nobody except Nagisa and Rei who I’ve just met a few seconds ago.

While Rei tries to explain me that this has happened a few times before; guides ditching the new kid. Nagisa’s gaze meets my plate with the one slice of bread on it. He chuckles before saying, “Now I get why the nutritionist was so mad with you.” He gestures at my plate. “You should make sure to get something from every isle, she’ll let you pass no doubt if you do that.”

I glance at the long line of all sorts of isles and sigh. “I’m not a big eater.”

Both Nagisa and Rei chuckle like I just made some silly joke. “You don’t have to eat all, just take a few things and if you can’t finish it you just throw it in the bin.” Nagisa smiles as if he’s just showed me the greatest secret of existence.

“As long as you get past the nutritionist with a full tray and come back with an empty one,” Rei adds.

I shrug and decide to listen to them. I fill up my tray with a couple of different things, duplicating the trays that Nagisa’s filling for both Rei and him. When we almost reach the end of the line my tray has been filled with breakfast muffins, scrambled eggs, raw carrots, rice and more.

There are only two more people between us three and the front of the line when I hear someone angrily yelling in the front of the line.

“What do you mean I can’t have this for breakfast?” the guy in the front of the line yells at the nutritionist. His tray has been filled with one plate with a little bump of rice and a few hotdogs on it and his red eyes glare at the nutritionist in anger as she tells him to get more food. “Come on, just let me through!”

The nutritionist seems even more angrily with this teen than she was with me, because he’s not ready to listen to her.

“What is he doing?” I mumble to no one in particular, but Nagisa’s the one to reply. He’s smirking when he says, “That, my friend, is Rin.”

I frown, not understanding if I’m supposed to know who that is.

“I think she’s about to give him a warning.” Rei glances at Rin, he seems pretty worried about him. “It would be the second this week, one more and…” “Yeah, yeah,” Nagisa interrupts Rei. “One more and he’s banned from this weekend’s activity.”

Again, I confusedly furrow my brow; _warning? Banned from activity?_ But just as I’m about to ask what’s going on I see _him_. A tall guy with olive brown hair and a baggy orange and yellow t-shirt is power walking up to the maroon-haired troublemaker. And for some reason I feel like I recognize him for somewhere, but I don’t know from where, when or how.

“Rin, just…” he nervously tells Rin, who only seems to get more annoyed with every second that passes. “uh, here.” He shoves a plate with eggs and a fruits onto Rin’s tray and awkwardly smiles at the nutritionist.

“Makoto, you don’t _have_ to do as she tells you!” Rin growls at the other guy and that’s when it all comes back to me; I’ve met this guy – Makoto – at the swimming lessons at Iwatobi’s swimming pool, I was very young.

I gasp, remembering how much this guy was staring at me back then. And when I told him “hi” he started blushing real badly.

And now he’s here, which means he also got sick in the meanwhile, because he didn’t seem sick before, but now he’s extremely skinny and his skin looks just as pale as those of most of the other teens. He has grown a lot though, back than he was shorter than me and now he’s taller for sure.

And as he’s talking to the nutritionist in a more tactical way than just yelling at her, I remember more and more. About how I saw him a few times and once we were paying for our swim at the same time, but that was before I stopped going to that swimming pool. I never saw him again after that.

My eyes are focused on him while the nutritionist gives in and scans the black silicone bracelets – our med sensors – of both Makoto and Rin. And after she’s done that the two of them walk towards a table in the middle of the cafeteria.

Not much later she scans the wristbands of Nagisa, Rei and me too and we’re ready to eat. But what I didn’t think through was that I had nowhere to sit and when I realize that Nagisa and Rei have already disappeared in the crowd.

The tray’s starting to get heavier while I stand there, thinking about the mistake I made. I should’ve just waited for Hisato to arrive, but instead I was dumb enough to start breakfast without even knowing someone.

Not much later I see that Nagisa and Rei are sitting at the same table as Makoto and Rin, but I can’t get myself to sit with them. That’d be the first time I’d sit with someone on the same table without being invited first, somehow that makes me nervous. So instead of taking a seat around the table with Nagisa, Rei, Makoto and Rin, I just sit on the emptiest table in the entire dining hall eating my toasted slice of bread while praying that the rest of my first day will go by a little smoother.


	2. Photograph

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 2: Photograph

The trunk of the tree against my back feels extremely nice in comparison to the plastic foldaway chairs we have everywhere else. My eyes float over the pages of “The Fault in our Stars” while I try to concentrate on reading the part where Gus and Hazel are finally on the plane to Amsterdam.

It’s rest period and therefore the best time to sneak into the woods for a break from lessons, rules and the smell of disinfectant. Everyone always adores this time off, because it’s the only moment we can be at least a little free from everything.

I look up from my book to see Nagisa trying to get a good picture of Rei using his most recent birthday present; a Polaroid camera which Nagisa has been using a lot lately. He wants to capture the moments we spend here, because different from most of the people here Nagisa is actually enjoying himself most of the time.

While Rei tries to convince Nagisa that he’s not beautiful on photos, Rin is also laying against one of the large tree trunks trying to nap a little.

It’s moments like these that we’re just like “normal” teenagers; chilling with friends, taking pictures together and actually having fun. We’re ignoring the fact that we’re going to have to go inside again in an hour or so and that when we do we’re going to be pitied by teachers, monitored by nurses and looked after every second of the day like we’re toddlers again.

Because we aren’t normal teenagers, we don’t go to normal school where we get actual homework and when we do something wrong we actually have to go to detention. No, instead of that we just get a warning or just an angry gaze from someone, because we’re already going through enough.

Rin’s the one that hates this the most, because he doesn’t think he needs the special care when he “just has a tiny case of Idiopathic Pulmonary Disease”. He’s wrong, he does need the care, but I’m not lying when I say that Rin seems to be doing the best of the four of us.

Nagisa might ignore how sick he actually is, but doing chemotherapy to lessen the symptoms of his Polycythemia Vera can’t be taken lightly. So every time he shrugs off a bleeding nose or a huge bruise on his leg or arm I can’t help but worry.

The same goes for Rei, who’s been stuck in a wheelchair for as long as I know him; which is only three months but still. I know for a fact that Duchenne Muscular Disease doesn’t have a long life expectancy and Rei knows it too.

And then there’s me…

“Mako.” Nagisa’s loud and cheerful voice interrupts my thoughts and when I look up I see his camera pointed at me. “Smile!”

I feel how my cheeks get warmer, because I know how bad I’ll look on that picture with my pale skin and messy hair which desperately needs a shower. I glance away, focusing on a leaf with a slight smile on my face when a _click_ sounds followed by the photo rolling out of the camera.

My eyes go back to Nagisa who’s shaking the picture through the air until I start to appear on the little piece of photo paper. When the picture has appeared Nagisa he flops down beside me and hands it to me. “You shouldn’t look away on pictures, you know?” Nagisa tells me. “But still, it’s a nice pic, right?”

“Yeah.”I chuckle as I watch myself on the picture, it’s so different from all the pictures hanging from the walls at my parents’ house. Instead of wearing a school uniform or hugging my younger siblings, I’m now laying against a tree holding a book Nagisa suggested I’d read while wearing my pajama at all times of the day.

“Here.” Nagisa forces the camera into my hand and I have to lay down the book because otherwise I’ll drop one of the two. Nagisa walks up to Rei and wraps his arms around him from the back. “Can you take a picture of Rei and me?”

I point the camera at them and hope for the best result when I push the button and the picture rolls out. Nagisa immediately runs up to me to see what the picture of the two of them looks like, not realizing that it takes some time to see.

While he and Rei wait for the picture to appear, Rin’s finally opening his eyes, accepting that he’s not going to be able to sleep without his pillow and I open my book again so I can read a little more about the adventures Hazel and Gus are going to experience in The Netherlands before we have to get back inside for our last period of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> As you might (might not) have noticed, my chapters are all titled with songs.  
> "Everywhere Else But Here" from Simple Plan and "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran, I can go on for a while because every chapter is titled like a song that kind of works with the chapter or the plot of the fanfiction.  
> I made a playlist with all songs, which I will add in the writersnote of the last chapter (I don't want to spoil my own story of course). 
> 
> Yeah, anyway, I just wanted to let you all know of the song thingy, so if you want you can listen to the chaptersongs... and otherwise it's just a fun fact, hihi!
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	3. We Meet Again

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 3: We Meet Again

The smell of disinfectant enters my nose when I wander into the medical building. I’ve been told that I have to go for a checkup today, because they have to see which treatment they’re going to use.

It doesn’t take long before an older man appears in the doorway of one of the few offices and calls out my name. I get up and go inside where I take place on an iron table topped off with a thick piece of paper.

“So, Haruka Nanase,” the doctor says. “You’re new here, aren’t you?”

I nod once and try not to feel nervous, because the doctor’s really overdoing eye contact. When he sticks his hand out to me and introduces himself as “Doctor Daiki” I hesitate before introducing myself as well even though he already knows my name.

Daiki glances at my med sensor and scans it before we actually start the checkup. All the information to know about me is being displayed on his laptop, everything from my name to what I ate this morning.

“So, Haruka.” He turns back around to me. “On a scale of one to ten, in how much pain are you right now.”

I think for a moment, other than being tired, a little numbness in my feet and joint pain I don’t feel any pain at all. I rarely feel pain, but still the people at _Iwatobi Hospital_ suggested I’d come here where they have more specialist who know better what to do when something happens.

“Two,” I mumble.

“I’m very glad to hear that, let’s try to keep it that way,” he continues. “I’ve already taken a look at your medical information before you came over and I want your opinion on trying out to lessen the symptoms by using chemotherapy.”

It’s not a question, it’s more like doctor Daiki is telling me that that’s what we’re going to do; I have no choice. Even though I know that chemo is going to have a lot of side effects and I’d rather not do it if there would be another way. But apparently there isn’t any other way, because doctor Daiki would never start chemotherapy if there was another route to take.

“Okay.” My voice echoes through the small room and bounces of the white walls.

Doctor Daiki smiles and nods. “Beside that I’m suggesting we do Dialyses treatment every night while you’re asleep to make it easier on your kidneys,” he continues. “We want to keep your health at this point or better, that’s why I want to treat the symptoms as much as we can.” He pauses and his face goes serious when he explains how to follow my schedule as tightly as possible. “It’s best to just go to your lessons, nap or rest during resting period and to eat healthy and varying.”

I nod, thinking of how I know what a schedule is and I don’t have to be explained how to have a good timetable.

“I suggest you go to bed by lights out,” doctor Daiki says. I almost want to roll my eyes, because lights out is at nine here, while I’d normally don’t go to bed before I’m actually tired. “On days you don’t feel well you’re allowed to get sick days and there’ll be a nurse checking in on you every once in a while to see how you’re doing.”

I listen while doctor Daiki explains more about what symptoms to look out for and to let someone know whenever I feel worse than usual. He also tells me about the side effects of the chemotherapy and how to use the Dialyses.

When he’s finally done he says, “Well, if you don’t have any more questions I’ll see you next Wednesday.”

I nod, thank him under my breath and walk out of the medical building. Being back outside, in the fresh air feels great. That’s why I decide to take a short walk around the buildings before I get ready to go back inside and lay on my bed in boredom.

I walk until I’m out of breath and when I’m ready walking and get back to the door I hold my med sensor in front of the scanner at the door leading into the boy’s dorm. The light on the sensor turns red, refusing to let me into the building. And the doors still don’t open when I try again.

Not only does it make me nervous, because if I can’t go inside it means I’ll have to stay outside until someone comes by to let my inside, it also means I can’t flop down onto my bed like I was planning to. My legs hurt from walking and I can’t think of anything that’d be better than laying down on my bed and sleep a little.

I try to scan in another time before groaning and stomping with my foot against the wall, annoyed.

“Calm down, man,” a voice mumbles from behind me. When I turn around I see the maroon-haired guy from breakfast this morning. He’s leaning against the wall, hands hiding in the pockets of his black training pants. “It’s lockout.”

I frown confusedly, but apparently I’m supposed to know what that means because Rin sighs and says, “They’re cleaning out a room so the next person can move in.”

I still have no idea what he means by that, but it makes me feel calmer to know that I’m not the only one who’s locked out of the building. When I look at Rin he furrows his brow and I doubt if it was a good idea to let out a sigh of relief.

“You don’t know what I mean, do you?” he asks and he doesn’t even wait for an answer. “Someone died.”

I swallow audibly – or at least I think Rin heard it. I knew this school had a small survival rate, but I didn’t think someone would die on my first day here. It makes me realize how near the end is for many of those teenagers. For me too.

“Who died?” I manage to get out, but actually I don’t want to know the answer.

Rin shrugs, closing his eyes while thinking. “Probably Hisato,” he eventually answers. “He didn’t show up at breakfast, lunch or any of our classes.”

I glare at the ground as I realize that my guide hasn’t ditched me; he died today. And Rin, nor any of the other kids who are just sitting on the grass, act like nothing happened. I didn’t think I’d mind if someone died, because I’ve never really had problems with it – and I’ve arranged my grandmother’s funeral. But I guess when you’re the one getting closer and closer to dying yourself it makes a bigger impact when someone dies in the same building you sleep in.

***

Not long after I arrived at the dorms we were left back inside. I slept a little for the rest of the afternoon and now my hand’s hovering above the mousepat of my laptop.

It sucks that we only get fifteen minutes of Wi-Fi access on a day, but I guess I should use up my fifteen minutes every day. That’s why I’m now pointlessly scrolling through my Facebook page.

My homepage is filled with people telling me to “get well soon” or something like that. I guess they don’t know what a terminal disease it, because I’m not going to get well. The best I can hope for is the treatment working and I get less sick so I can go back home.

I don’t mind the overdramatic messages of people I barely know telling me how they’re missing me and hope to see me soon and wish me well. But it strikes a nerve when I pause at a post from one of my teammates.

The title of the post says, “Dying Top swimmer Quits Swimming” followed by an entire sappy story about how they’re going to miss a great swimmer like me like I’m already dead. Like I’m actually going to die.

I close my laptop in anger and rage outside. I need some fresh air, more space than my tiny dorm room.

“I’m not going to die!” I yell while kick at a stone. It flies through the air, quickly followed by an “ouch” sounding from a little further into the field.

There’s someone standing there, a figure in the dark, and I wonder if he heard me freak out just now. It takes a moment before I realize who the shadowy figure it, but when he walks towards me I can see it’s Makoto.

He looks a little lost if you ask me, wandering around in the dark, swaying from the left to the right. But when his eyes meet mine he smiles awkwardly, rubbing the spot where the stone hit his back before he greets me with a soft “hi” and I wonder if he remembers me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> I'm sorry that it takes me so long to get this story going, it's because there's a lot of background stuff to cover before it can actually begin. But I promise you that I only need 1 or 2 more chapters to do that from now, and than the more exciting part can actually begin ;)  
> So, please, hang on a little longer <3
> 
> Also, I finished my draft today :)  
> The entire story is on paper from beginning to ending, and I'm so proud! Buckle up, because you're in for a ride :)  
> I'm so curious about what you're going to think about it!!!   
> I started crying when I put "The End" under the last drafted chapter of the story and I'm so sad I'm done writing it... But posting it and showing it to you makes me feel like I'm still working on it, so that's nice :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	4. Time of Dying

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 4: Time of Dying

The dark blue sky is filled with all of these bright, bright stars. It’s beautiful and I can’t help but stare at them mouthed opened while I pointlessly wander over the open field. As my feet shuffle through the high grass I wonder what I’m doing outside. It must’ve been something important, because otherwise I wouldn’t be taking a walk this late at night.

When I think about it, I don’t even know how late it is. It could be any time varying from really early in the morning to late in the evening.

I sigh while trying my best to remember where I was going when I got outside, and if I was even planning on going somewhere to begin with.

“Come on, remember,” I whisper to myself, hitting the side of my head with my hand as if it’ll help. “What do I know?” I think for a moment, last thing I remember was that Rin told me “goodnight” before he disappeared in his own dorm room. I heard coughing when the door closed and I remember getting a little nervous about it.

But what happened afterwards? I must’ve gone outside, so maybe I’m really here for a short walk to get myself tired before I went to bed.

I stare at my feet and lightly kick the grass while mumbling to myself, “Okay, breathe in and out.” I do as I tell myself, because what else can I do? “No need to get nervous, you’ll remember why you’re outside in a second.”

That’s when I feel the med sensor around my wrist and I breathe out in relief; maybe if I can see what time it is, I know why I was outside. So I glance at the med sensor and click on a few buttons until the time appears in bright red numbers.

_Fourteen to nine…_ I gasp, almost cursing at myself when realize that I’m outside after lights out – which can get you in trouble. I want to run inside, but it’s like I’m glued to the ground and all of a sudden my hands start shaking.

“Wait, no.” I glance at the time again. “Yeah, lights out isn’t until nine, I’m okay.”

I pause, ready to take my hand through my hair in relief. But instead of flawlessly moving my fingers through my greasy hair, I almost brush my glasses off my face.

When I let my hand fall back down, I start pacing up and down the grass field. My thoughts are making me crazy, while one voice is yelling at me to go inside because according to them it’s already past lights out, the other voice in my head is telling me to just calm down and go for a short walk before going back inside in a few minutes.

And I don’t know which voice is right, and which one wrong; all I know is that they’re loud and are causing a massive headache to appear.

“Mom and dad,” I whisper to myself. “Ren and Ran, Sousuke Yamazaki, Rin Matsuoka.”I pace up and down and every once a while I kick the grass lightly. Little pieces mud and grass fly through the air. “After that Rei Ryuugazaki and Nagisa Hazuki.”

I breathe out calmly when I suddenly feel something hard hitting me on my back. It leaves a sting and before I know it an “ouch” escapes from my mouth. I want to take it back, because it didn’t even hurt that much, but it’s too late.

When I turn around I see someone standing a little towards the dorms. I don’t recognize the person, so I don’t think I know him.

He’s staring at me with two bright blue eyes and I’m sure his eyes are the brightest color I’ve seen in months. Ever since I got here everything seemed to have a grey filter over it, so it’s nice to know that I have not gone colorblind.

“Hi,” I say, knowing that if I say nothing it’ll get awkward.

As I walk closer to the grim-looking guy I suddenly remember what I was doing outside at this hour; After Rin stopped coughing he came back outside of him room and he told me that I was looking paler than normally. I was having a headache, I told this to him and he said I should take a little walk in the fresh air.

I remember asking him if he wanted to come with me, but he said he was exhausted. So I went on my own, and when I think about it now, I wish I would’ve just gone to my room and gone to bed.

I stop a few steps in front of the guy and stick out my hand. “I’m Makoto Tachibana,” I say as cheerful as possible, because the guy looks like he can use some cheering up. “Nice to meet you.”

My arm is slowly starting to get heavy, but the guy doesn’t shake it. He just glares at it as if he’s never shaken hands when meeting someone new. So when he doesn’t take my hand I awkwardly chuckle and wipe my hand off on my pajama pants.

“I’m Haruka,” he replies, and I can’t help but think of the name as sounding familiar.

“So.” I sway with my hips a little, because I’m trying to hide how awkward it is to meet a new person all of a sudden. It’s been weeks since I even saw someone who’s “new”, I’ve only seen other teens who’ve been at the boarding school longer than I have and I don’t think I’ve seen this Haruka around before.

But still, he looks so familiar and I just hope I’ve not introduced myself to someone I’ve talked to before this evening.

I clear my throat. “You look… uhm, a little sad.” I don’t really know what to say, I mean should I go for the small talk approach or should I just wait for an answer and when he’s answered go on with my evening. “Did something happen?” My mouth speaks before I have even decided so I suppose I’m going to go with the small talk route; walking away would’ve been rude of me anyway.

Haruka shrugs, but his face tells me there’s more going on than he’s showing me. Just when I think he’s just not in the mood for a talk and maybe walking away would be the best option after all, he opens his mouth and says, “It’s my first day.”

I almost want to do a victory dance for not introducing myself to someone who’s been at the boarding school for longer than me, but instead I just reply, “Oh, I didn’t know. First days are always bad, aren’t they?”

I hated my first day here, all I could think of is how much I missed Ren and Ran – my younger siblings – and mom and dad. I didn’t know if they’d be able to handle everything at home, explaining to the twins where their older brother has gone off to. All I could do was worry, even when I’d talked to mom on the phone and they told me everything was fine I couldn’t stop worrying about everyone back in Iwatobi.

I probably looked the same as Haruka does right now – grim and gloomy – because I remember talking to Ren and Ran over the phone as well and even though they kept asking fun things like “how’s the new school” and “have you made new friends yet”, it broke me when they asked when I would be getting back home.

That was three months ago and I haven’t been home ever since. I have seen Ren and Ran, but not as much as first and every time they see me they seem more uneasy with me getting sicker and sicker.

Haruka seems to be having about the same problem, at least that’s what I think when I look at his face. He’s probably also dealing with first day stress because of his family and the friends he left behind.

“It’s not that,” Haruka says, acting like first days aren’t bad even though his eyes tell me something different. For a moment I feel like he just doesn’t want to talk about that to someone he barely knows, but then he starts to talk about how one of him swimming teammates put a Facebook post online where he was talking about how Haruka quit swimming for good because he’s dying.

“But dying isn’t that bad,” I say, but as I’m saying it I realize how wrong that sounds. “I mean, dying and living are actually the same thing, right?”

Haruka shrugs, not seeming to completely understand.

“Uh, how do I explain?” I mumble while scratching the back of my head. “Well, with every day that passes every person on the world gets a day closer to death, so actually every human is dying. But because for most people death isn’t nearby and so we call it _living_ , but actually living and dying is the same.”

Haruka nods, but I doubt he actually understands now.

A cold breeze blows past my arms and a shiver moves over my entire body when I realize that fall is just around the corner. It’s going to get colder and colder every night and in no time I won’t be able to take an evening walk past the woods, because otherwise I’d catch a cold.

While shivering pretty badly I ask, “Shall we go inside? I’m pretty cold.”

Haruka nods and we walk to the entrance of the boys’ dorms together. While we walk we have a short chat and I quickly find out that Haruka’s not much of a talker, but every time he talks in his short sentences he really reminds me of someone. I just can’t find out whom.

Haruka’s room is on the same floor as mine, only a few rooms further into the hallway actually. And as I close the door to my dorm room after we part our ways with a short “good night” it strikes me; I do know Haruka.

It took me a while, but I finally solved the mystery. I’ve met him years ago, but how could I forget I knew him. He hasn’t changed a bit!

I gasp and open my door again, only to storm back into the hallway. Haruka turns around, he hasn’t gone inside his room yet.

I point at him, his eyes go big and his cheeks get redder as if he’s been waiting for the moment that I remembered that I know him. I open my mouth and, just loud enough that he can hear me, I say, “You’re Nanase, right?” I pause, my hand shakily holding the doorknob, because I’m so excited that I remember something, I remember _him_. “Haruka Nanase, we were five years old, swimming lessons!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey!  
> No real fanfiction related note this time, haha. I mean I hoped you like it so far, but that's not what this note is for :)
> 
> If you're not interested in my boring live-stories, just skip this note, hahaha :)
> 
> A few days ago I was asked why I only write medical AU (which I don't, but I write mostly medical AU), this got me thinking. Because why on earth do I like this so much???
> 
> Maybe you have an idea why I like writing them so much other than what I've found out, if you do let me know, but I'm honestly stuck...  
> I know I love reading angsty stories, I mean why else would the first book that got me attached to reading be "Me Before You" from Jojo Moyes and why else would the first movie I had an obsession with be "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green; I just LOVE angst and I find doing research about medical stuff extremely interesting.
> 
> But still... I'm not great at writing medical AU's; I want to run and hide whenever something sad happens in my family, I have to expierence with anything medical, I'm afraid of the hospital and I'm not at all interesting in a job in the care-world... I'm so confusseled *nervous laugh*... do I somehow just like it? I don't even know.
> 
> SOOOO, yeah I just wanted to say that, sorry if I totally ruined a few seconds of your life... oops, haha...
> 
> Yeah, I'm just going to work on a new medical Free! AU now to post when this one's completely on here... and I'm going to keep wondering where my obsession is coming from...
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	5. Hometown Smile

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 5: Hometown Smile

Makoto points at me with his mouth just barely opened. His eyes are huge as they glare at me with their green brightness. “You’re Nanase, right?” he asks, and before I can nod he adds, “Haruka Nanase, we were five years old, swimming lessons!”

My first reaction is to frown, but that quickly turns into a gasp when I realize that Makoto does remember me. I didn’t think he still remembered me, at least that’s what it looked like; he even introduced himself to me even though we’re been friends for well over half a year.

“Tell me I’m right!” Somehow Makoto seems so excited and I don’t exactly what for. Of course, I’m also happy to see him again after he suddenly stopped showing up to swimming lessons, but I didn’t think he’d be this excited about it.

I nod and reassure him that he is right indeed.

After the rush of excitement passes Makoto’s face grows gloomy. He lets go of the doorknob he’s been holding for the past few moments and says, “I’m sorry that I suddenly disappeared.”

I shrugged, even though back than it was a big deal to me because Makoto seemed to be the only person I could talk to with ease. But I accepted it after a while, because getting mad or sad over it wouldn’t help and I knew that.

“It’s just… something happened and…” Makoto really seems to struggle talking about it, but eventually he’s able to explain how he got scared of water after he nearly drowned on a family trip and his parents decided to make him stop going to swimming lessons. “I didn’t know where you lived, so I never got to really say goodbye.”

I nod and almost feel like smiling since Makoto looks so glad he was able to tell me that. Not that it matters right now, because we’re both here and there’s no need to make up for it anymore.

“I’m not mad,” I reassure him, which makes him look even happier. We stand there for a moment, just looking at each other.

It’s a little awkward, probably because we haven’t seen each other in ages.

Right when Makoto’s smiles fades and he opens his mouth again to say something nurse Aki wanders into the hallway. The look on her face is rather shocked and she immediately tells us that it’s long past lights out and we should be in our dorm rooms.

I guess she can’t see, because both Makoto and I are only one step away from our dorm rooms, but apparently that doesn’t matter when it’s past lights out.

Makoto glances at the floor, while the clicking of nurse Aki’s heels come closer with every second that passes.

“Come on, boys,” she says, walking over to me and laying her hand on my shoulder. She’s basically pushing my inside of my room. “Time to go to bed.”

Luckily before the door closes I can hear Makoto saying, “Good night, Haruka” and I know that we’re not going to part ways without telling goodbye another time.

Nurse Aki closes the door behind me and with a disappointed frown she says, “It’s your first day, but doesn’t mean you don’t have to stick to the rules, Haruka.”

I sigh and think to myself that I’m aware of that.

In the time that I was away this afternoon, they placed a machine in my room and when nurse Aki catches me glaring at is she says, “That’s a Dialysis machine.”

I have no idea how to use it and it looks rather complicated, but I’ll figure it out. At least that’s what I think until nurse Aki adds, “But we’ll have to place a HD catheter first. This’ll be more comfortable with your chemotherapy and when using the Dialysis.” She pauses and her eyes meet mine. “They’ll have to put you under general anesthesia tomorrow morning, so you’ll probably miss your classes tomorrow.”

I feel a lump appearing in my throat; in all the years I’ve lived I’ve never been under anesthetics, nor have I ever had a surgery before. All of a sudden I feel a little nauseous, but nurse Aki doesn’t give me any time to be actually nervous about it. She immediately tells me that I won’t feel anything during the placement of the tunneled catheter, a little discomfort afterwards should be all. She also explains that this way I’ll avoid having to get painful injections every day to use the Dialysis and chemotherapy, which sounds like a good thing.

Before she tells me to put on my pajama and go to bed she lets me know that I’ll be expected to arrive at the medical building at ten the following morning. “You shouldn’t eat before the procedure, so you can skip breakfast tomorrow and sleep until nine or something,” she explains. “And the rest of tomorrow you’re expected to take a sick day to stay in bed and rest, okay?”

I nod, hoping she’ll go away soon so I can at least try to go to sleep. Eventually she goes away, telling me to go to bed in an instance.

This, I do, but I can’t get myself to sleep. Not because of the nerves that come with having to go under general tomorrow, but it’s more like happy fluttering in my stomach; it’s because, after twelve years, I’ve finally talked to the only person who actually felt like my best friend. I’ve seen Makoto again!

I’m very happy about this until I close my eyes and the grateful fluttering suddenly turns into creepy aching; if Makoto’s here, that means he’s sick too… it means he’s also dying, maybe even sooner than me.

I shake away the thought in pure horror. Instead of worrying I’ll have to do something else; I’ll just have to be grateful for the time we do have and make the time we have left enjoyable and fulfilling.


	6. This Is Home

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 6: This is Home

It’s Friday morning and we’re all sitting at the breakfast table. Everyone’s here; Rin, Nagisa, Rei and even Haruka decided to sit with us today.

He was absent yesterday and when I went by his room to ask what was going on I saw a sticky note on his saying that he had undergone a procedure and wasn’t going to get out of his room that day.

But today he’s ready to go again, even though the thick tubes coming out of his chest and insertions in his neck and chest covered by thick bandages look pretty painful. He kind of shrugs it off, saying it doesn’t hurt at all.

“So why did you even have to get the catheter?” Nagisa curiously asks before taking a bite of his stack of pancakes.

Haruka glances at his food and I’m not sure if he really wants to talk about it. But he answers Nagisa anyway, telling him that he has to start Dialysis today and he’s also supposed to use it for his chemotherapy.

I don’t know what Haruka’s ill with, but I know they try to not use chemotherapy if it’s not necessarily needed, which means Haruka either has a special form of Cancer or something else that can only be treated with chemotherapy. At least, that’s what Nagisa told me.

“Oh, I’m on chemo too,” Nagisa tells Haruka. “If you have any questions or worries about it you can always come to me, okay?”

Haruka nods, but there’s a confused look on his face. His mouth slowly opens before he asks, “Why aren’t you bald?”

Rei, who was just drinking some water, burst out in laughter causing the clear fluid to spray out of his mouth. He coughs a few times before laughing again while Nagisa plays with his blond curls and says, “Look, this is a wig. I don’t feel so comfortable walking around with no hair on my head, you know?”

Haruka hums as a sign that he understands now, but he doesn’t seem relieved about it. He probably doesn’t feel comfortable with going bald either, even though he doesn’t seem like the type of guy that cares about his looks.

But neither does Haruka look like the type of guy who’d want to hang out with a group of weirdoes like us, and yet here he is. He’s sitting in between Rin and me and even though his expression doesn’t show whether he’s having fun or not I can somehow tell he’s really glad he’s able to sit with us.

We talk a little more until breakfast time is over. When the bell rings, and the scraping of chairs and coughing and sighing sounds through the entire hall, we all leave together.

As we part ways with Rei and Nagisa I find out that Haruka shares the same classes with Rin and me since he’s walking in the same direction as us. We arrive in class where Rin and I take our usual seats, next to the window in the back. Haruka sits on the desk in front of me. He leans on his fist while he stares out of the window with a bored look on his face, it’s an expression I’ve never seen on Haruka; he always looked somewhat enthusiastic when we were swimming.

Rin sighs when our teacher, mister Fumihiro, walks into the class carrying a large cup of coffee and glares at us with his tired eyes. Sometimes our teachers looks more like sick people than we do, but they’re just completely healthy people who regret their choices in live.

I kind of get it, because who’d like to teach a group with fifteen seventeen-year-olds that are all pretty unmotivated because they’re going to die anyway… actually, when I think about it, I would like that job; teacher, I mean, but that’d be pretty impossible for a couple of reasons.

Most important reason: I’ll probably die before my twenties! And that’s only one of the many reasons why that job wouldn’t be possible.

But mister Fumihiro clearly doesn’t want to do this job, seeing how the black circles under his eyes grow bigger and darker with every day that passes. He’s had to deal with a lot; sick, depressed or bipolar teenagers, crying parents, people dying on his watch and on top of that he’s also had to deal with the stress that comes with being a teacher of a class of kids in their puberty.

His voice is deep and tiring when he says, “Everyone, get your English books.” He pauses to sip from his coffee. “Open them on page sixty-one.”

We all do as he tells us, but before his lesson has actually started, Rin’s already laying with his head of the table. I notice him being more sleepy than usual lately, but him sleeping during classes isn’t something new to me.

Haruka is awake though, even though he looks like he hasn’t gotten enough sleep last night. And it wouldn’t surprise me if he falls asleep during one of our classes today as well.

Not much later, while mister Fumihiro’s explaining today’s assignment, I hear Rin snoring beside me. It’s soft and quiet, but it doesn’t take long before mister Fumihiro notices it.

“Matsuoka, we’re not supposed to sleep in class!” he says, the expression on his face getting even more annoyed when Rin doesn’t wake up.

I nudge Rin with my ell bow, and he slowly opens his eyes groaning. He yawns and when his eyes meet mister Fumihiro’s he doesn’t even look surprise that he’s being yelled at.

“I know you’re good at English,” mister Fumihiro continues. “But that doesn’t mean you should be napping through my classes.”

There’s a certain tension between the two of them and I’m almost sure that mister Fumihiro’s going to give Rin his third warning of the week; this mean he won’t be able to join me with line dancing tomorrow. That would be unfortunate, because I had to beg him to join me since Nagisa and Rei would definitely go painting instead of dancing because Rei’s wheelchair bound.

I don’t want to go alone and I don’t think I can expect Haruka to join me when I tell him that I’m the only one of the group doing that activity.

So when mister Fumihiro’s lips part and he’s ready to speak the words “I must give you a warning for that” I speak up myself. “Mister Fumihiro,” I say, loud and clear while standing up from my seat and bow forward. “Excuse me for Rin’s rude behavior, but he’s not feeling great and…” Rin mumbles something, probably that he’s feeling better than normally, but I nudge him so he doesn’t interrupt my attempt to keeping him out of trouble for the thousandth time since I got here. “… I’m probably rude when I say that you should be glad he came to your lesson in the first place, he could’ve taken a sick day today, but he didn’t. So, can you please not punish him, sir?”

All eyes in the room are turned to me, because I’m again cleaning up the mess Rin has made and at the same time making a fool of myself. Luckily it works and mister Fumihiro says, “Okay, but only this time” with an annoyed glance at Rin who fortunately didn’t fall asleep again in today’s classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready!   
> Next chapter it's really going to begin :)


	7. You'll be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey HEY! I'm gonna start chapter summaries, isn't that fun?
> 
> For this chapter:  
> THE STORY ACTUALLY COMES TO A START! Yeah, you're right, no more building up left to do; This should've been the first chapter if I didn't have to much to explain about this alternative universe before this chapter... haha!

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 7: You’ll be Okay

Makoto and his group took me out into the woods after our classes. It seems that they do this almost every day during rest period and after lessons, because they all have their own spot to sit and things to do.

Makoto’s reading a book, Nagisa and Rei are chatting with each other and taking pictures and Rin looks like he’s trying to take a nap for the tenth time today.

I’ve learned a lot about this group today, small and big things. Take for example when I was talking to Nagisa and Rei just now I found out that they’re dating. This explained why they’re always clinging to each other and doing things like hugging and flirting with each other.

Even though Rin doesn’t really talk a lot I found out a lot about him too; he’s illness harms his lungs which makes it clearer why he uses cannula to breathe through. His disease also causes extreme fatigue and that’s why he sleeps so much. And Rin has been here for three years, which is one year longer than Nagisa.

Makoto told me that Makoto himself has been here the least long of them all, because he’s only diagnosed three months ago. Rei has been here the longest and therefore knows every single thing about this place; what you can and can’t do without getting into problems, things like that. In the years that he’s been here he’s seen a lot of people come and go, which must be painful.

They’ve all been stuck here coming closer and closer to dying, but when I see them here I realize how much more normal this group of teenagers looks when I compare it to my swim team. All we would ever talk about were competitions, winning and training, but this group exists from close friendships and relationships and even though the situation they’re in is heart wrecking they talk about normal stuff. I’ve heard conversations about books, movie nights, childhood crushes, family and hobbies; normal things like that.

Right now they’re having a discussion about foods and even though I don’t have much of an opinion about the subject I can’t help but enjoy listening to them debating about it.

“Why does no one agree with me?” Nagisa says, looking around the group in desperation. “Come on, you all must think that sweets and chocolate are basically the best things every, right?”

No one says anything, but Makoto looks up from his book. When Rin and his eyes meet Rin hurls and Makoto bursts out in laughter.

“Sweet things are the worst!” Rin mumbles, making a face.

Makoto shrugs, putting down his book to join the conversation. “I mean, chocolate is delicious, but I prefer curry.”

“What do you think about sushi?” Rei asks. “I haven’t had that in ages, but I just love the ones with cucumber and avocado.” He pauses, glancing at us.

“Nah, I prefer meat to be honest,” Rin says. “If you eat sushi it must be the ones with spicy beef in them, those are the best.”

I glance down at my lap and quietly say, “I prefer those with mackerel.” I’ve never had sushi before, but I bet they must have one with mackerel. Basically everything with mackerel tastes good.

There’s a silence, all eyes are pointed at me. When everyone bursts into laughter I wonder if I said something wrong. Maybe they don’t have sushi with mackerel, in that case I should be the one to invent it.

“No, no, no,” Nagisa says in between chuckles. “You’ve got it totally wrong, Haruka. If you go for the fish ones…” Rei nods, probably already knowing what Nagisa is going to say. “The salmon ones are the way to go,” they say in since before both chuckling.

When they both go quiet Nagisa’s the one to break the silence again. “Okay, so if we can’t agree on the type of sushi.” He pauses, leaning back against the tree trunk thinking about a subject to talk about. “What are your thoughts on coffee?”

“Black coffee, for sure,” Rin says without any doubt. “It’s the only coffee that actually works when you want to stay awake.”

Rei chuckles before sarcastically mumbling, “Yeah, we can see that.”

Rin gives him an angry glance and tells Rei that he’s not allowed to have coffee anymore since he got here. Apparently they stopped giving the sick teenagers coffee because they got way to hyper during classes and it was bad for their health.

“I honestly think Latte caramel is the way to go when you want coffee,” Nagisa says, but after thinking for a while he changes his mind. “No, maybe the Cinnamon Roll Frappuccino at Starbucks is the best there is.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Rei asks with a smirk, glancing at me for approval even though I don’t know Nagisa at all. “It’s the sweetest there is.”

Nagisa shrugs and turns to me. “You agree with me, don’t you Haru?”

I don’t know because of what I’m more surprise; the fact that he’s asking me my opinion on coffee, or he’s already giving me nicknames. Well, I guess Nagisa’s just quick with nicknames I heard him referring to Makoto as Mako as well so I shouldn’t be surprised, and to be honest I like the nickname better than me feminine name.

“Well.” I shrug, not really knowing what to answer to Nagisa. “I… what about instant coffee?” It’s the only type of coffee I’ve ever had, I’ve never been to a restaurant to drink coffee or something like that.

Rei and Nagisa look at each other and both make a face.

“Instant coffee doesn’t even taste like coffee anymore,” Rei says. “It’s also dangerous to drink instant coffee, you can choke on it if you drink it to the last drop.”

“Yeah, but that’s the same with tea,” Nagisa immediately shoots back, protecting me from Rei’s harsh judgment. “Right? If you drink tea to the last drop it makes you cough and it’s nasty.”

“Well, anyway,” Rei continues, taking his hand to his face and readjusting his glasses like he’s a professional on the subject. “The best coffee is without any doubt a good pour-over coffee with just a little bit of milk to make it less bitter.” He pauses and nods to himself proudly. “But no sugar, because that’d make it too sweet and not too much milk because that’d water the coffee down too much.”

Nagisa sighs and rolls his eyes at Rei while replying by telling Rei that he has always known Rei comes with a complete instruction manual. They have a little laugh about it and after Nagisa has dramatically kissed Rei on the cheek saying that he’s just joking, Nagisa turns to Makoto. “Hey, Mako, you’ve been so silent,” Nagisa continues, I don’t even know how he does it but he manages to get on with the conversation so smoothly. “What’s your opinion?”

I also turn to Makoto – turning because I can’t really move my neck because of the bandages. We’re all waiting for an answer, but there’s no answer coming. Something about Makoto seems off; he looks just as pale as before, but somehow he looks like he’s going to throw up on the spot.

Rin, Nagisa and Rei must’ve noticed it too, because they all have worried expressions on their faces as we wait for Makoto to get less silent.

With dull eyes Makoto looks around himself, his face expressing many emotions, but also none, at the same time. He looks scared, stressed, nauseated, sad and confused, but at the same time he looks like he’s not feeling anything at all.

He looks around the group, lips just barely parted and eyes big as planets making him look like a little kid.

Tears start to well up in Makoto’s eyes as he whispers, “I want to go home.” Makoto’s voice is so silent when he speaks and I can barely hear him above the wood sounds.

I quickly glance at Nagisa and Rei, who are both watching Makoto with fear in their eyes and their lips pressed into a firm stripes. When I look back at Makoto he’s started full on crying, wiping away his tears as new ones start to form and stream down his cheeks.

“D-does anyone know where my mommy and daddy are?” he whispers in between sobs, his voice more high pitched than ever. “I-I just want to go home.”

No one replies, or no one knows how to reply. At least that’s what I think, until I witness something I didn’t see coming at all; Just as Makoto’s opening his mouth to say something again Rin leans toward him. He lays his hand on Makoto’s shoulder and all of a sudden Makoto stops wiping away his tears. He just mouthed-opened glares at Rin who’s now getting in position next to Makoto.

“Hey, don’t worry,” Rin calmly reassures Makoto. “It’s okay.”

He wraps his arms around Makoto and carefully rubs with his hand over Makoto’s back as Makoto lets out another sob. “Let it all out, you’re okay.”

I watched as Rin hugs Makoto and soothingly asks him why Makoto wants to go home so badly, when Makoto has last seen his parents and if he would like it if Rin took him inside so they could search for them.

Makoto answers all the questions with short answers; things like “yes”, “no” or “I don’t know” and Rin just goes along with everything like nothing weird is going on. But to me it’s terrifying to watch, because Makoto’s not at all acting like himself, but he was doing fine just a few minutes ago.

Eventually Rin takes Makoto inside to “search for his parents” even though we all know they’re not here. Not even close. And even though part of me thinks it’s mean to tell Makoto lies and make him search for something he’s not going to find anytime soon, another part of me is glad that I don’t have to watch that any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey...
> 
> The story has finally actually come to a start! So I hope that you'll enjoy it :)
> 
> So... I'm happy that the story has come to a start for you... but I also have to be really honest and say that I, myself, am not doing great today. I just need to get this little thing off my chest, so if you're not into hearing about me you're free to skip this authorsnote...
> 
> Where do I start? Well, I've just been feeling a little fuzzy en sad all day (and yesterday night)... It has to do with some personal things including suddenly not feeling like seeing my friends (yes, we see each other often, but stick to the COVID rules... okay?) even though I know I should be excited to see them... but it's just tireding, very tireding...
> 
> It also has to do with my best friend's boyfriend and a conflict with that and a new person joining my friendgroup which I can't deal with, but I'm not gonna get into that too much, since it's very personal to her too. Same goes for my new study, which I'm not going to get into too much because it's personal; all I'll say is that I don't want to start my new study, since I'm terrified that I can't do it, or won't make new friends or don't like what I'm going to have to do there... I don't know...
> 
> And then there's parties... I just graduated (yay, I think) and there are a few parties coming up soon. Now, I'm sixteen, shouldn't I look foreward to going to parties and drinking and dancing and having fun? because strangely enough, I am terrified of those parties; meeting new people and my friends forcing me to sing along to the music and dance isn't something I look forward to at all... I cried because it last night and I'm not exasurating...
> 
> I just talked with my mom about all of this and I don't think she completely gets me... I can't talk about this to my irl friends, because I'm 100% sure they will not get me at all... social media isn't the right platform for me now and my sister keeps far FAR away from everything that has to do with me being sad... so there's you left... I hope you, uhm... you do understand me, maybe know what to do about it? and if not are just here to hear me out... I don't know... and that makes me scared.
> 
> But I guess I'll just have to stick to the title of the chapter, don't I? I'll be okay, lets try to think of that... yeah?
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	8. Truth Be Told

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto needs to tell Haruka about his disease... but how?

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 8: Truth be Told

I’m running a fever, at least that’s what nurse Danuja told me when she brought me from the medical building to my room. I don’t remember how or why I got to the medical building, but I vaguely recall Rin taking me there.

The bedding seems itchier than ever and I can’t help but throw it off myself, only to get it cold a second later. My pillow is drained it sweat, but that’s not because of the fever I think; it’s because I had a nightmare just now.

I sit upright, immediately regretting my choice when a sting shoots through my head. My tongue feels completely numb, like a dead piece of meat in my mouth and my entire body is shaking but not from the cold.

I immediately lay back down and just as my head hits the pillow there’s the sound of a knock on the door. I want to tell them to come in, but it causes so much effort that by the time I finally am able to open my mouth the doors already slowly opening. Rin appears in the doorway, there’s a pitying smile on his face as he walks in. “How are you doing?” he asks, his voice soft and silent. “Has your fever gone down?”

I shake my head; my fever has only gone up, or that’s how it feels. I open my mouth again, forcing my numb tongue to do its job. “What happened?” My voice is slurred, even I can hear that, and looking at Rin’s face he’s not too surprised about it. I don’t even have to wait for an answer, because when Rin leans against the wall, his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, and glances away from me I know something bad has happened this afternoon.

“You had an episode,” Rin mumbles, closing his eyes as he talks. “It was worse than the last few times, but I think we all handled it okay.”

I wince when I realize that they had to see me go through that again. It’s been the fifth time this month which means it’s starting to happen more often than before.

“How bad?” I only now notice how dry my throat is, when I swallow or speak it almost feels like sanding paper.

Rin shrugs, almost as if he doesn’t want to answer. “You forgot where you were,” he eventually tells me. “Who we were too, I think.”

I close my eyes and nod once; I’m not surprised, not even a little. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared or sad, I don’t want them to have to see me that way. And most of all, I don’t want to forget them even if it’s just for a few minutes in a month, I just don’t want it to happen.

“Don’t worry.” Rin’s voice interrupts my raging thoughts and therefore also makes sure that I don’t start crying on the spot. “I got you away as soon as possible, I’m the only one who saw the worst.”

My jaw tightens, and even though I’m glad Rin got me away from the others so they wouldn’t see, I know how painful it is for him to see me go through this too. It reminds him of… of things he’d rather forget.

“Thank you,” I mumble, but I think telling him I’m sorry would be the better thing to do. Rin just stands there and shrugs off what just happened, but I know somewhere deep down he’s worried too and sad.

I’m about to change the subject when it hits me; Haruka was there too. I haven’t told Haruka about my episodes, my disease… he doesn’t know.

“Rin?”

“Uh-huh?” Rin’s eyes glance at me and it’s almost as if he already knows what I’m going to ask by the time I get my tongue to allow me to talk. I ask Rin about Haruka’s reaction, whether anyone told him yet.

“No,” Rin says. “He doesn’t know yet, but I think you should tell him.”

I nod, but I wouldn’t know how. It was easy to tell Rin and Nagisa and Rei, because I didn’t know them when I told it; but Haruka, he still remembers me from the time where my life hadn’t yet been shortened down to only a couple of months left remaining.

“How?”

Rin shrugs and tells me that no matter what I should find a way to explain everything to him, because it sucks even more if you find out through experiencing what’s going on. He’s speaking from experience himself, so if someone knows what Haruka and the others are going to feel like it’s Rin.

“I can help you,” Rin suggests. “If you want I can break the news to him, tell him the basics of what being befriended to someone who’s experiencing what you’re going through is going to be like.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “But explaining what everything means, what you’re going through… that’s up to you, Makoto.”

I nod again, thanking him for wanting to help me.

After that Rin asks if he can do anything else, but quickly has to excuse himself when he bursts into a coughing fit. He walks into the hallway, but I can hear his dry coughs through the thin walls.

I wait, glancing around the room while I listen to Rin’s coughing and try not to worry. I find distraction by looking at the pictures I stuck to my window using the most colorful tape I could find. It’s one of the few things that make my room look less depressing.

When I hear the door opening again, I turn my head to Rin and as our eyes meet he asks, “So, you want me to tell Haruka?”

I nod. “Yes.” I pause, but not because I’m hesitating. I’m sure of it, no doubt, because Haruka has to know that painful fact about me.

And just as Rin nods and is making his way out of the room. I shoot him a quick “thank you”, because the way he’s helping me with this… it means the world to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! 
> 
> Here I am again! Just to keep you updated with everything after the authorsnote on the previous chapter; I'm doing a little better, but I'm not quite back to normal. I'm trying my best to get back to normal as soon as possible, and I'll just keep posting even when I don't feel like it.
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	9. Little Do You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka finds out about Makoto's disease... ouch...

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 9: Little Do You Know

My first Dialysis treatment, I didn’t expect it wouldn’t hurt at all. It’s probably because I didn’t have to get needles going into my arm and realizing that I’m suddenly really glad I have the catheter.

The thick tubes exiting at my chest and the large bandages covering the insertions are really uncomfortable though. I can only lay on my back if I want to lay in a somewhat comfortable way, but that’s okay. It’ll only be temporary, I think, because they told me if the treatment would work well I’d have a change at going back home and live my life at least somewhat healthy.

I’m still wide awake, sitting with my back against the wall while the Dialysis runs its first round. It’ll take hours, at least that’s what nurse Aki said, so I should go to sleep when my clock tips nine in the evening. But until then I won’t be sleeping.

I’m sitting on the place where my pillow would normally lie, on my bed with my back against the wall and my eyes facing the window and my desk. My pencil silently moves over the thick paper in a freshly bought drawing book.

I used to draw sometimes besides swim training, but I didn’t have that much time for it. But now that I’m here and I spend more time doing nothing than anything at all, I decided to pick up my pencil again and dig out the markers I brought with me.

The sketch it light, but something tells me this is going to look pretty good even though I’m a little rusty at the moment.

My pencil is scraping over the paper with light movements when I hear a soft knock. Hoping it might be Makoto, I glance at the door beside me.

I still want to ask Makoto about what happened this afternoon, everyone seemed a little off after Makoto completely lost it in the woods. There’s been this tight feeling in my chest ever since it happened too. I needed to know what happened, but when I got to Makoto’s room this afternoon a sticky note on his door told me to let him sleep. It was signed by one of the nurses, so I decided to listen to the message in her curly handwriting.

The door cracks open, but it’s not Makoto who appears in the doorway; it’s Rin. He didn’t come back after what happened, otherwise I would’ve asked him. I did ask Nagisa and Rei what had happened, but they said it was up to Makoto to tell me.

Something about the look in Rin’s eyes and the tone in his voice when he greets me is different from any time he spoke before.

“Hey,” I reply as I watch how Rin walks in, mumbles something inaudible and leans against the wall next to the closed door.

“What are you doing?” he asks, but something in the way he’s glancing from the ground to me and back to the ground tells me that that isn’t what he came here for.

I turn my drawing book in Rin’s direction so he can see.

“Can we talk?” he mumbles, and I’m not sure if it’s really a question or more like a different way of telling me he really needs to talk with me.

I nod, only once, because the serious look on his face is kind of unsettling.

“About what happened this afternoon,” Rin continues. “I bet you must have questions, I am right?”

I nod, because I have a huge amount of questions some of which I can’t even form into words. So I immediately open my mouth and before Rin can tell my something else I ask the first question that comes to mind. “What happened?” I pause, I know what happened, but I don’t know why it happened. “And why did it happen?”

Rin’s eyes look into mine as he chuckles lightly, but not a happy chuckle more like a dry cough-like chuckle. “One question at a time, please.” He pauses and coughs silently in his ellebow, readjusting his nasal tubes after wards. He asks if he can sit before he answers any of my questions, giving me the knowledge that this talk it going to take a while.

I nod and tell him he can sit down on my desk chair. He puts his bag, which he uses to carry his oxygen tank, down and takes a seat. His hands lay on his lap when he says, “So, what you saw back there.” He clears his throat. “It was one of Makoto’s episodes. They happen regularly lately.”

My eyes uneasily glance from Rin’s eyes to his mouth to my own lap and back to Rin again. I don’t know where to look or what to think, because I don’t know much about these episodes are, or what they’re part of.

“Why it happened?” Rin continues. “It’s part of Makoto’s disease.”

“What is he sick with?” I want to know, but a part of me also doesn’t want to know. I don’t know of any of them what their disease is, because what does it matter? It’s not like I can change anything about it.

“Niemann Pick Type C,” Rin tells me. “It’s very rare, especially in people Makoto’s age.”

I furrow my brow in confinement; I’ve never heard of it, but neither had I about Amyloidosis before I was diagnosed.

“What is Nie-… uh, Makoto’s disease?” I stammer.

Rin groans, his eyebrows furrow lightly as he thinks about what he’s going to tell me. It takes him quite long to find the right words, but eventually he says, “NPC affects a lot, but I’m no doctor.” He pauses, scratching his chin. “Makoto will have to explain that to you, because I’m not too familiar with NPC.”

I glare at him, wondering why he even came here if he doesn’t know the answers to my questions. I can’t go to Makoto right now, because of the Dialysis, which I hate; I want to know everything now, maybe it does help to know what someone’s sick with. If I’m aware of the symptoms, what’s normal and worrisome, I could maybe help just like Rin did this afternoon.

“What I do know,” Rin continues. “Is that it affects the brain, amongst other things which I do not know of course, and therefore also the memory.”

I sometimes nod along as Rin speaks, but mostly I’m just listening in terror; this sounds serious. All of the terminal diseases we have are serious of course, but this sounds terrifying, something you don’t want to come across.

“Nagisa, Rei, I and Makoto as well of course… we know that.” Rin pauses, his eyes suddenly glancing away from me. “We all know that that state Makoto was in this afternoon, probably even worse than that, will be Makoto’s existence in the nearby future. And Makoto agreed with me that you should know this.”

Rin looks at me, something tells me he’s waiting for something; a reply or another question. But I can’t form my thoughts into any words. Imagining Makoto, a very capable, kind and intelligent seventeen-year-old, to be in that childish state for the rest of his life… it’s like someone’s stepping on my heart to imagine that.

A soft, sad smile appears on Rin’s face, almost as if he’s showing empathy which I didn’t think he was capable of up to this moment. “I’m sorry I had to break the news to you,” he tells me, he sounds genuinely sorry, but somewhere I’m glad it wasn’t Makoto who told me. “But it’s better to find out now than when it’s too late.” He pauses, clearing his throat and when our eyes meet I see tears welling up in his eyes. “If someone knows that, it’s me.”

I frown a little confused, because it probably wasn’t his experience with Makoto that taught him this; he and Makoto don’t know each other for long enough to let that be the case.

“Sorry, I didn’t…” he stammers, turning away so I can’t see him cry.

I shake my head, mumbling that I don’t mind. “What were you talking about?”

“Uhm, well.” Rin takes his hand through his hair, he’s clearly uncomfortable with me asking that, but I want to know because it could help me too. “I-I… my boyfriend…”

I feel myself gasp, and Rin gives me a blushing glare through his tears. I didn’t think Rin would also have a _boy_ friend, I wasn’t too surprised when Nagisa and Rei told me they were dating… but Rin?

“… Sousuke, he had something similar to NPC,” Rin continued. “It also affected his behavior, reasoning and worst of all his memory. I didn’t know this when I met him and I found out when he…” Rin swallows and I watch as he starts crying again. “Something happened and they’d taken him to the medical building. When I visited him he…” A sob escapes from Rin’s mouth. “… he didn’t recognize me, not at all. That’s how I found out with him, and I’m still mad sometimes, because he didn’t tell me earlier.” Rin’s teared up eyes meet mine and he smiles softly. “I didn’t want the same to happen to you and Makoto, so he told him you had to know and he agreed.”

I nod, but instead of thanking Rin I ask, “Your, uhm, boyfriend did he…”

“Die?” Rin finishes my sentence correctly and he immediately shakes his head, a slight grin appearing on his face. “No, they started a different treatment and it worked out extremely well. Sousuke went home a month ago. I mean, I kind of had to introduce myself again, but we’re still together and he’ll come by this Sunday afternoon. So, everything’s okay.”

I nod, I’m glad for him.

Rin’s face grows more serious again. “I have to warn you though, this probably won’t be the case with Makoto. NPC is much less common and they still haven’t found a well-working treatment for it.”

I nod, once again, because I don’t even have hope that everyone can be as lucky; otherwise none of us would even be here to begin with.

Rin glances at the clock, it’s only a few more minutes until lights out and he has to go back to his dorm room on the floor above me. So he gets up, clears his throat and tells me good night before he leaves me alone.

I put away my drawing book and pencil and crawl under my blankets. But even though I’m completely exhausted, I can’t fall asleep. My eyes are wide opened and I have many questions I want answered right away and the buzzing of the Dialysis doesn’t make falling asleep easier.

The last time I look at the clock, before I fall asleep, it’s half past eleven. Half an hour later, I finally fall asleep, but my questions and thoughts still haven’t settled.


	10. Kids Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto explains Haruka a little more about his disease.

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 10: Kids Again

I wake up to the bright light of a mid September morning sun. A groan followed by a yawn escapes from my mouth and not much later I’m opening my eyes.

Most mornings I have to reorientate; tell myself where I am, why I’m here and who I know. But today it’s different, because within the same second that I’m opening my eyes a question shoots to mind.

_Has Rin told Haruka about NPC yet?_

I want to know immediately, but I can’t because when I glance at the clock I see that it’s only just half past six in the morning. Breakfast won’t be until eight, that and I have to stay in my room until nurse Danuja has come by to check if everything has gone back to normal again.

My headache has gone away, this I know when I sit upright and my brain doesn’t feel like it’s being impaled. At least that’s a sign that I’m doing better than yesterday evening when I fell asleep to a burning fever and a massive headache.

My tongue also feels less numb, which is a good sign.

I get up from my bed and throw on a grey-ish blue shirt and sweatpants. By the time I’m wearing decent clothing the door opens and nurse Dajuna walks in.

“Oh, you’re awake already?” she asks, the tone in her voice rather confused.

I nod and give her a kind smile.

“How are you feeling?”

I sit down on the bed and as I talk nurse Dajuna measures my temperature and does some other little tests to see how I’m doing.

“I’m feeling much better than yesterday,” I reassure her.

She nods and tells me that my fever has gone down. “If you’re feeling well enough you can even join today’s activity if you want,” she says.

It almost immediately makes a smile appear on my face and I tell nurse Dajuna I would love to join in today’s line dancing.

“Just make sure to eat well at breakfast and go to bed in time,” she says before she leaves my room.

I nod and reassure her that I’ll do that. I wait until I hear the door to room beside me open and close again before I walk to my own door myself.

Just when I’m about to head to Haruka’s room the doorknob turns and the door opens. My eyes stare right into two bright diamond-like blue eyes.

It’s Haruka standing in my doorway with messy hair and a concerned look on his face. It’s barely noticeable, but the way his mouth is opened a little and his eyebrows are slightly turned upwards tell me that Rin has probably told him about NPC.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his eyes glaring into mine with full intenseness.

I smile and tell him that I’m doing many times better than yesterday. This makes his release a sigh of relief.

I step back to my bed and sit down, realizing that Haruka probably has a lot of questions since Rin told me he couldn’t to go into detail too much. I pat on the mattress just beside me as a sign that Haruka can sit down as well.

He does this and when he’s sitting too, he takes a deep breath before saying, “Rin told me a little about what happened yesterday.”

“Any questions he hasn’t answered?” I ask, because I don’t want to repeat Rin.

Haruka stares down at his lap before mumbling, “What happens with NPC?” He pauses and repeats the question, but more specific this time. “What is going to happen to you?”

I glance away, I knew I was going to get this question and I know the answer better than I’ve ever known anything about myself, but that doesn’t mean I like the answer. I clear my throat and take a very deep breath, putting answering off as much as possible.

“There’s a, uhm, wide range of answers to that,” I tell Haruka. “Niemann Pick Type C basically affects everything from my motor skills to my brain.”

I clearly remember every word I was told when I was diagnosed; I was going to suffer a great amount of things and every single one of them sounded terrifying. Everything was affected and apparently I’d been showing symptoms since I was very little. Whenever I knocked over a glass because my coordination was off this was one of the symptoms even though we didn’t know that yet.

“I’ve been told I’m probably going to suffer from things like coordinating movements, speech difficulties, gaze palsy, seizures and loss of cognitive skills,” I list up, knowing it sounds different listing it up like that from when you’re actually experiencing it.

I remember the moments following the first time I had a real episode. It was only a short one but it totally made me forget who Ren and Ran were. After that I decided that I would be way too painful for the young kids to watch me, their older brother, turn back into an infant himself. I didn’t want them to see the me they know peel away layer by layer, that’s why I came up with the idea to go to this boarding school. Mom and dad didn’t want me to go, not at all, but I told them I really couldn’t let Ren and Ran see what I was going through. I eventually won them over by saying that with specialists nearby I’d have the best treatment and they eventually gave in to the idea.

Haruka stays silent, maybe because that’s just how he is or maybe because he doesn’t know what to say.

“So, yeah,” I mumble to myself before talking a little louder again. “There’ll probably be quite a lot of moments where I’m not completely myself, just so you know.”

I glance at Haruka, who’s staring at his lap and shrugs when he feels my eyes watching him. “I still want to be friends, just like when we were kids.” He pauses and his diamond blue eyes glance at me. “What should I do when you have an episode?”

I shrug, because I’ve been told to do something completely different than my parents. I wouldn’t know what Haruka’s reaction should be when I totally forget where I am, or when I have a seizure or epileptic attack.

“I don’t really know,” I admit, and when I turn away my eyes fall on the photos Nagisa’s taken and I realize that the most important thing is that I remember who they are and that they are there for me. “First you need to make sure you stay calm and I stay calm, just tell me calming things or something.” I pause and look back at Haruka, who’s listening closely. “Try to find what I still remember, who I still remember, and make sure I know how I am myself. You should also get me to a nurse as quickly as possible so they can actually help.”

Haruka nods, thanking me for telling me what to do. He really wants to help, I can see it in his eyes, but even I don’t really know what’s best.

I hesitate before opening my mouth again and whispering, “Just make sure I remember who you are.” I don’t want to repeat what happened when we saw each other again after not seeing each other for twelve years; I totally forgot who Haruka was and maybe I wouldn’t have had when it wasn’t for this disease.

Haruka nods, only once and his cheeks turn slightly pinker than before. I can see doubt in his eyes, but I don’t know what for. It’s only when he leans in closer and he wraps his arms around me that I realize what he was hesitating for.

“Makoto?” he whispers.

The bandage on his neck is rubbing against my shoulder as I feel Haruka’s hands clench the fabric of my t-shirt. His hug is warm and comforting and it feels so much more real than the last hug my parents gave me before they left after visiting me last month.

“Yeah,” I reply silently, my voice unable to go any louder than Haruka’s when he called out my name.

“Please remember this,” he continues, I can feel his breath in my ear. “Remember that I will be there for you whenever you need me, okay?”

I nod, because right now I’m completely speechless. Haruka, the kid who’d never open his mouth when we were younger, just told me that he will be there for me. He just promised me that he shall stay by my side no matter what.

“I’ll try,” I tell him. “I’ll try my very best to remember.”

_Trying is enough for now_ , I tell myself. But some part of me, deep down, tells me that I won’t be able to remember those words until the last moment arrives. That makes me sad, but I’ll try and trying is enough.

“And I’ll be there for you too,” I promise, hoping I can at least remember I made this promise to him.

Haruka nods and not long later he slowly lets go of me. I can still feel the warmth of where his arms have been wrapped around me.

Our eyes are locked together and Haruka’s cheeks are probably just as red as mine right now. I don’t think either of us thought we’d ever see each other again and I’m sure we’re both torn up about the fact that we’re having a reunion knowing we’re both sick, dying.

Haruka eventually looks away, his mouth opens slightly but he doesn’t speak. There’s an awkward silence between us and I wonder if he’s regretting our hug, so before he can do anything to show that I give him a wide smile. “Will you join Rin and me in line dancing this afternoon?”

Haruka’s eyes shoot back at me in an instance and he shrugs. “I’m not good at dancing,” he admits.

I chuckle and tell him that Rin’s the only one of us who can dance a little. This I know because the first week I got here we also had line dancing as the weekend activity and Rin and Sousuke didn’t stop dancing beside each other for the entire afternoon. The memory instantly makes me smile.

“I’ll try to teach you,” I tell Haruka, and he nods in reply. I get up and walk to my closet, there’s just a small amount of plaid shirts but I want to keep Rin and Sousuke’s tradition going. So I take out one of the red plaid shirts from my closet and turn around to Haruka.

I give him a wide smile and throw the shirt at him. “But first, let’s get you into some decent dance clothing.”


	11. Footloose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dancing?  
> Yes, dancing!

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 11: Footloose

When we get to the gymnasium the music is already blaring through the speakers and people are already dancing. There aren’t many people here, but the ones that are dancing are good at it.

Just before we walk through the big double doors and into the large hall one of the nurses I don’t recognize hands me a cowboy hat. Makoto and Rin, who are walking in front of me, have already put their hats on their head. I put my hat on as well, but it’s way too big, so it immediately sacks down on one side.

When Makoto turns around he smiles wide. His olive brown hair peeks from underneath the oversized hat. The cowboy hat in combination with his red and black plaid shirt he looks like some kind of farmer.

“You ready?” Makoto asks.

Rin turns around as well, joining Makoto in waiting for my answer. Rin’s also wearing a plaid shirt, but he has his knotted around his waist because he didn’t what to get overheated. Makoto told me it was this tradition when they were line dancing, he also got me to wear one of his plaid shirt to keep this tradition going.

Eventually, I shrug, because when I see how smoothly the, already dancing, people move I think I would just ruin it all. They’re all dancing the same dance in a few rows of three. I’ll definitely fall out of line.

“So, have you ever done this before?” Rin asks when we’re a little further into the hall where we found an empty spot to lay down our stuff.

I shake my head while I throw my water bottle onto the floor where Rin is busy trying to fit his oxygen tank in a smaller bag.

“Maybe it’s better if we practice a little,” Makoto suggests. “Don’t you think?”

Rin nods, I nod even more because I don’t have the rhythm to start right away.

When Rin has finally pressed his tank in the bag he can wear around his shoulder, he gets up and smiles at us with some kind of naughty grin. “So, which song?”

I swallow, probably audible, because I don’t know any line dance songs. In the seventeen years that I’ve been on this earth I’ve never showed interest in dancing.

“What about the song that’s playing anyway?” Makoto asks, glancing at the kids who are dancing to some sort of busy song.

They’re doing quick steps and I can barely keep up with the movements of their feet.

Rin chuckles and when he says, “What? _Fake ID_. Sorry, but I think that’s too hard for you.” It sounds almost insulting. Rin thinks for a moment and then takes out his MP3-player and start scrolling through the music. I can’t believe he actually brought one in case we had to practice something new because everyone else is doing something “too hard”.

“What about _Footloose_?” he asks, Makoto agrees without hesitation making me think he’s already done this one before. “You also okay with that, Haruka?”

I nod as well and not much later Makoto and I are standing beside each other while Rin shows us how it’s done.

He starts by putting on the music and he just starts dancing. He clearly knows the moves and he doesn’t only dance with his feet but also holds his hat with one hand and the other hand hidden is the pocket of his sweatpants while he moves his upper body to the music.

After a little while of us just standing there, watching his feet, confused, he stops. The music stops and Rin takes a few deep breaths, coughing while he tries to catch his breath.

“So, you can’t keep up.” He takes another wheezing breath, his hands are leaning onto his knees while he looks at us. “Shall I do it a little slower then?”

Makoto and I glance at each other and both of us nod.

Rin catches his breath before he stands with his back to us. “Just repeat what I do, okay?” he tells us, Makoto answers for the both of us.

Before I’m even actually paying attention to what Rin is doing he starts moving. He takes a wide step to the right, only to place his left foot behind his right one. When he’s to taking the second step to the right with his right foot, I’m struggling to not trip over my own feet. And when Rin smoothly lets his left foot join his right, I bump into Makoto who’s also not getting the whole stepping thing.

Rin does the same to the other side, flawlessly and smooth. But Makoto and I keep stepping on each other’s feet and bumping into each other. Rin tells us to just keep trying this without even turning around to see how it’s going, I think he has more faith is us than he should have.

It goes wrong, because my feet get tangled up and I fall over, tumbling into Makoto and before I know it we’re both on the ground. Makoto’s chuckling loudly and when I look up I see that other teenagers are glaring at us, pointing and laughing.

It’s very embarrassing, and it doesn’t get any better when Rin notices what happened. He rolls his big red eyes at us and groans. “You are both really incompetent, aren’t you?” he annoyed tells us, slamming his hand into his face.

“We’re just not as good in dancing as you are,” Makoto replies. “Can’t you do it any slower?”

“Slower?” Rin shoots back at Makoto. “This is as slow as I can get, you’re just…” He groans loudly and then his brow furrows. “I don’t have much faith in you two, but, okay, we’ll just _slowly_ continue with practicing.”

We both get up and start practicing again, step by step.

At the end of the afternoon we’re not much further when it comes to knowing how to dance, and Rin has actually gotten mad with us when we were trying to do it with a little more speed and Makoto and I just kept bumping into each other.

He eventually just gave up and sat down on the floor in disappointment.

I might’ve not done a lot today, but by the time a flop onto my bed I’m still exhausted. With a content smile I remember every time Makoto bumped into me and how it actually felt pretty nice.

My cheeks get warmer when I hug my pillow and realize that I’ve laughed more today than I’ve done in my entire life. Maybe it was because both Makoto and I sucked at dancing, or maybe it was because Rin constantly got mad at us, but today was fun.

I close my eyes and the image of Makoto bending forward, reaching for me, shoots to mind. A chill moves down my spine as I remember how he smiled at me every time he helped me back on my feet after tripping over my own feet again.

The way he looked at me, the way my heart skipped a beat; that has never happened to me before. Never, with no one.

My eyes shoot open when the thought comes to mind; what if I feel more for Makoto than “just friends”.

I feel how my face gets completely warm, but I shake the thought away. _I can’t_ , I tell myself, because Makoto’s going to forget me some day. I don’t want to hurt so much as Rin does about his boyfriend, but if I feel more for Makoto that’ll happen… so I just can’t.

I breathe into my pillow and tell my mind to shut off; today was just a fun day with some friends, nothing more or less. And tomorrow… tomorrow will be a fun day with _friends_ as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> Okay, so this chapter is actually based on something my friends and I love to do; Line dancing :)  
> We basically follow the example of my best (male) friend, who's been on dancing lessons for a while when he was younger. I have another friend whom also is very good at dancing and picks up the steps very quickly. But me? I suck! I'm basically Haru when it comes to this scene.  
> I'd been doing that often in the time I wrote this, when I still had the energy to dance and get myself exhausted with friends, and I just had to use my expierence in a story, hahaha.  
> I'm sorry if you thought this was a boring chapter, it's kind of a filler and some character development, I guess. There'll be about three more of these chapters in the story, because I just sometimes need something cute and funny and just to let the friendships develop. I hope you get that and I hope you like it anyway. 
> 
> Ps. OH GOD! I totally forgot to post this due to my graduation ceramony... sorry, and enjoy anyways :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	12. Everytime We Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is sneaking out really a good plan? Let's hope so!

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 12: Everytime We Touch

The leaves under my feet keep making crunching sounds. I’m following Nagisa and Rei through the woods, they’re the ones handling the compass. Haruka’s walking beside me and Rin is somewhere behind us, because he has to catch his breath every once in a while.

My heart is racing and my nerves are even more present than every time I have been forced to watch a horror movie.

Nagisa came with a brilliant idea this morning, telling us that we still had about three hours until most of our family members come by for their monthly visit. Our last conversation during rest period on Friday had made him crave coffee so much, and he just needed to have some right now.

That’s why we’re now doing something that is completely ignoring every rule we’ve been told; we’re going to the village outside of the school grounds.

“There’s no fence or security,” Rei had reassured us, he knew this because he has been here so long and apparently has gone outside school ground before.

Rin also said that if they didn’t know we were gone they wouldn’t even notice, Nagisa doesn’t mind getting in trouble and Haruka just shrugged and went along. I’m the only one who wasn’t immediately jumping to break the rules, but they convinced me to go along anyway.

We’re completely ignoring the rules just to get a cup of coffee, and if you ask me that’s ridiculous. But Nagisa really wants his coffee, so does Rin who basically was living on the “black gold” before he was send off to this boarding school.

While Rei and Nagisa lead the way through the woods I try my best not to freak out. Everyone else is just calmly walking, but my inner voices are just screaming at me for doing the wrong thing.

When I look at Haruka beside me, seeing if I can get a conversation going to distract my mind from this mischief, I catch Haruka steeling glances at me. Our eyes meet for a split second, but Haruka quickly looks away.

“So, uhm,” I stammer, now suddenly feeling really awkward. “What coffee are you going to get?”

Haruka glances at back at me, his cheeks are completely red for some reason and I wonder whether he’s doing good or not. The color on his cheeks looks almost feverish, but he hasn’t said a thing about not feeling good.

Haruka shrugs, but doesn’t say anything.

I wonder about what I’m going to say now, whether I’m going to continue this conversation or just give up. But luckily Nagisa’s voice interrupts my thoughts.

“We’re here!” he says, running the direction of bright light on the edge of the forest, pushing Rei towards it on full force. I’m starting to worry that if Nagisa doesn’t get more careful when pushing Rei’s wheelchair, he might catapult him through the air one day.

Haruka and I also get out of the wood not long after, and Rin follows quickly. It’s strange being outside of the school grounds. The air seems fresher, the sun brighter, but that’s probably just my imagination.

While we’re walking through the shopping street we have to hide our med sensors from people; they might inform the school that they’re missing five kids, which could lead to problems. But other than that everything is just amazing.

It’s nice to be in the normal world again. Before we go somewhere to get coffee Nagisa and Rei want to go somewhere, some kind of shop that sells photo books.

“Makoto?” Haruka silently says my name when we walk past a clothing store and Rin’s catching his breath there.

“Yeah, something wrong?” I ask. My hands start trembling, because I’m afraid he’s going to bring up Friday again.

But he doesn’t, he just asks if we can go into the clothing store so he can look for a hat he can wear when he’s going to go bald. I keep forgetting that Haruka’s on chemo, but when I look at him closely I can see that the amount of hair that he has is getting less with every day that passes.

“Yeah, okay,” I say while I glance at Nagisa and Rei. “Hey, we’re going to go inside this shop. Meet us at Starbucks in fifteen minutes?”

“Yep!” Nagisa replies without even turning around.

Haruka, Rin and I go inside the clothing store. We wander around for a little before Haruka finally chooses that the blue beanie he’d seen at the entrance of the shop is the best one.

He buys it and after that we go to the closest Starbucks, where Nagisa and Rei arrive not much later.

We go inside and the smell of coffee hits me in my face. It’s a small shop, but it’s not too crowded. Which is a good thing, because we want to avoid crowded areas if we don’t want to be noticed too much.

A nice woman behind the counter greets us and we all order our drinks. Nagisa orders the Cinnamon Roll Frappuccino, Rin just wants a black coffee, Rei wants a mocha coffee and I go for a Latté, so does Haruka because he hasn’t really been to Starbucks before.

Sipping on our coffee we walk all the way back to the school, through the woods. I’m not yet ready to be back in the school grounds, because it felt normal to be outside. I didn’t feel sick, but somehow the air feels thicker inside the walls of that school and the smell of antiseptic makes you feel nauseated and lightheaded.

Apparently everyone agrees, so on Nagisa’s request we stay in the woods for a little longer. We chat, and laugh, and stay away from the disinfectant-smelling buildings until we actually have to go back.

And when we do, I feel good anyway, because even though we broke the rules I feel like we did good by going outside.


	13. Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A game of Cluedo and a doctor's appointment, just your usual Wednesday

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 13: Moments

It’s Wednesday afternoon. I didn’t think I’d mix in with Makoto’s group this quickly, but here I am, playing Cluedo with them.

It’s a rainy day today, so we can’t go outside and sit in the woods like we would normally do. But playing a game inside is almost just as fun.

Cluedo isn’t such a hard game, but I really notice that Makoto mind is being put to a test. Even though we all know what cards we have and what we’re been shown by the others, Makoto keeps having to watch his paper.

“I think it was yellow, in the bathroom with the knife,” Rei says. I think he’s slowly but surely getting closer to the good answer. At least I’m on the same trail as him, but Nagisa and Rei aren’t even close.

“So, Haruka,” Rei says, turning to me. “Show me what you have.”

I shake my head; I don’t even have to glance down at my cards to know that I don’t have any of the things Rei suspects. But I know for a fact that Makoto has the bathroom, but I think no one has either sir yellow or the knife.

Rei continues and asks Makoto, who does have to look through his cards, because he kind of forgets what objects, rooms and people he has every time.

Even though I have my eyes closed while Makoto shows his card to Rei, I’m one-hundred percent sure he showed Rei the bathroom card.

When I open my eyes again, Rei looks happy and proud. Like, after almost an hour of playing, he’s finally discovered what the answer to end the game is.

We continue with my turn, I suspect yellow in the kitchen with the trophy, just to make sure that I’m not wrong by suspecting the knife. I am right, because Nagisa shows me the trophy.

After me there’s Makoto, than Rin and lastly Nagisa before it’s Rei’s turn again. Rei starts moving towards the swimming pool in the middle of the board game, but I have to be there faster. I know the answer as well, and Rin also seems to be heading that way.

For the last rounds it’s a stressing game of who’s quickest, but Rei’s there the quickest. Rin almost throws the board game off the table when Rei proudly says, “Yellow has murdered someone in the kitchen with the knife.”

I’m thinking the same, but Nagisa and Makoto still weren’t looking on that trail.

“I had no idea,” Nagisa admits, while Rei slowly fiddles with the envelope to get out the cards.

“Yeah, me neither,” Makoto says, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. “I thought it was blue for sure, but I guess I’m wrong.”

Rei finally takes the cards from the orange envelope when the bell rings, which means we have to get to our last lessons.

Rin groans in frustration while Nagisa’s soul basically seems to leave his body when he drapes himself onto the table and yells, “Why!”

Rei takes a quick look at the cards and tells us he’s right while we’re heading to class. And while I’m looking through the window in math, I still can’t believe he beat me to getting to the pool the quickest.

***

After our last lesson of the day I head to doctor Daiki’s office, because I have an appointment with him this afternoon. I don’t have to wait, since he’s already done with the person who came before me.

When I’ve taken a seat on the high table I look at doctor Daiki. My data is opened on his computer and I can see in green lines that I’ve actually been eating better and sleeping more.

“So, Haruka,” doctor Daiki begins. “How are you doing?”

“Good.” It’s not a lie, I’ve been doing better now that I have a comfortable place to spend time and I actually think being here isn’t the worst thing that has happened to me.

“That’s great to hear.” He smiles, but just shortly. Quickly after his face gets a little more serious. “And what about the side effects of the chemotherapy? Have you noticed anything different?”

I shrug; I guess I have been feeling more nauseated right before and after eating and there has been hair clumping in my pillow and clothes. Other than that I started to bruise more easily and I’ve had a bleeding nose once, but Nagisa immediately taught me what to do if that happens more often since he experiences that as well.

“Sometimes,” I eventually answer.

“Nothing severe?” His eyes glare at me like he’s almost hoping something hurts or some side effects are severe. But I shake my head, because nothing is bothering me.

“That’s good,” he says, giving me a kind smile. “Are you okay if I check some things anyway?”

I nod; it’s his job, I don’t even know why he’s asking me if he can exanimate me.

I have to take off my shirt and sweatpants, and it’s only now that I notice how big the bruise, of when I bumped into my desk yesterday, has gotten.

He checks for more bruises, but I know for a fact that I haven’t been bumping into too many things lately and since I haven’t been sporting I don’t get bruises from training.

We weigh me, and I’ve lost quite a bit of weight. That’s probably just because I haven’t been exercising lately and my muscles are taking off. He also tells me that this isn’t too worrying just yet. And for some reason he also finds it needed to see how tall I am, but that hasn’t changed a bit.

Lastly he carefully takes a hand through my hair, which I find a terrible feeling because I can feel his nails scraping past my scalp. He takes out a handful of fuzzy clumps of hair. The same amounts I’ve been finding all over the place; in my clothes, pillow, sink or just floating through the air.

“That’s completely normal,” he says. I wonder if he tells me that because I look worried of something, because Nagisa already informed me that I’ll probably get bald in not so long.

“Do you want me to see if I can get a wig for you?” doctor Daiki asks, his voice full of empathy. “One that looks like your own hair?”

I glance away and shake my head; it’ll only feel itchy and not comfortable. For me it’s either a cap or hat that I’m going to wear, or just walk around without hair until they start growing back again.

“Okay, if you don’t want that, that’s okay,” he replies. “Apart from the side effects, have you been experiencing any kind of pain, uncomfortability or something like that?”

I shake my head. All the uncomfortability I’ve been experiencing is the fact that I can’t shower with the neck catheter, but that’s not something he can change. I just wish I didn’t have to wash my hair in the sink every morning.

We talk a little about my sleeping and eating schedule, and what I’m eating and when I’m sleeping. According to doctor Daiki I seem to already be doing better than when I got here, and that a good schedule can do wonders.

_It might be true_ , I think while I walk out of the doctor’s office, _but if wonders were true, I wouldn’t be here and the friends I’ve made wouldn’t be sick…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Horror movie-night, gone wrong!


	14. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horror movie-night... goes wrong!

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 14: Nightmares

It’s Friday evening and we’ve just finished school for today. Normally on Fridays we go to Rei’s room with all of us and we watch movies, but last week we couldn’t because of what happened at the forest. That’s why today Nagisa got all of us together, including Haruka, to watch a movie at Rei’s room.

We’re all sitting on the decent sized bed in Rei’s decent sized room. We always do it here, because it’s bigger than every of our rooms and we actually can fit all of us in the room.

It’s pretty crowded on the bed with Rei tucked in between Nagisa and the wall, Rin beside Nagisa and Haruka pressed up against the other side of the wall. I’m in between Rin and Haruka, getting kind of squished.

The movie has only just started and I’m already getting chills past my spine. There’s one genre Nagisa’s a big fan of, and that’s the only kind of movies I don’t like to watch at all. He downloaded “Annabelle Creation” onto a USB stick this morning and we’re now watching it on Rei’s computer.

H0nestly, I hate it; the movie has only just started and I’ve already been jump scared. Haruka and Rin didn’t even flinch when this little girl was hit by a car and the hard bang blared through the speakers. It did seem to startle Nagisa and Rei, but not as much as me.

I just want to bury my face behind Haruka as we watch, but I’m not going to do that, because that would be weird. So I just sit and watch as the movie goes on like nothing weird is happening. Just kids going to some kind of shelter, and for a moment I almost forget that we’re watching a horror movie.

My eyes are focused on the screen, it’s completely quiet except for the sound of Rin breathing audibly. The main character is watching into a room, which earlier in the movie she’s been told not to go inside.

The sound of the creaking of a rocking chair reminds me of long ago. I was only seven, but I remember almost every second. Mom and dad took me to a carnival and there was this haunted house.

At first I didn’t want to go in, because I knew I was scared pretty easily. But mom and dad still got me to go into the haunted house with them.

Everything in there was creepy, like, completely dark and misty. All the sounds were loud and I almost passed out in fear. Daddy had to carry me, because I stopped walking and they kept telling me to stop crying.

I really didn’t like it, especially when the spider fell down and scared me. Mommy and daddy weren’t scared at all. They were laughing when I screamed because of the spider.

A deafening noise echoes through my brain, almost like shrieking. My throat hurts, I wonder why. When I slowly open my eyes I’m somewhere, I don’t really know where. Eyes are staring at me, eyes belonging to people I don’t recognize. Maybe they’re friends of my parents?

I’m shaking, for some reason, and all I can think of is that I want to get away from these worrying eyes. Anywhere, but not here.

I don’t know anyone, or maybe I do… no I don’t. I just want the lights to go on, or maybe that would only awake the monsters.

Mommy and daddy would always scare away the monsters that came at night, and they wouldn’t turn the light off like these strangers did; because that way the monsters could come near me.

My lip shakes while I clench something in my fists and back up. I hide behind something, or something. The grey fabric smells familiar when I bury my face in it. And the broad shoulders, I know this must be daddy.

But daddy would never turn the light off, not at night when the monsters are nearby. I look up and two big blue eyes stare at me. My throat feels dryer, because that isn’t daddy. It is one of the strangers.

I let go and back up, when I move to the other side there’s other stranger. He has red eyes and sharp teeth.

Another scream echoes through the room and when I fold my hands in front of my mouth I realize that they belong to me. Tears start running while I get up and stumble to the other corner of the room.

The tall strangers with the big eyes and sharp teeth, they probably have sharp claws and mean words too. The monsters stole me, mommy and daddy must be very worried.

They’re always worried when I get home late, but now I’m too late for sure. I just hope the monsters didn’t hurt mommy and daddy. I want to go home and see that they’re okay. I want them to hold me and scare the big tall monsters away.

One of the monsters reaches out to me with his large hand and boney fingers, he makes a strange sound when he breathes in and leans forward. Almost like slurping through a straw.

I try to back up, but I’m stuck against the wall. Sobbing and crying I try to hide away, maybe if I duck into the corner the monsters will forget about me.

The monster with the red hair and sharp teeth turns around to the others, they’re all staring at me, and he probably can’t wait until they can eat me.

I start crying even harder, hiding behind my hands while the tall being comes closer to me.

“No!” I shriek, pushing him away with my feet. A scary sound comes from the monster, almost like slimy scraping against the wooden floor.

I close my eyes, and one more time I yell as loud as I can. “No! Please, don’t hurt me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this one was a little shorter... hope you still liked it.
> 
> I had to watch a part of "Annabelle, Creation" myself to write this since I wanted to get into the horror mood, ha ha! Luckily I like horror :)
> 
> No but really... I did an awful lot of research to write this (and the next) chapter and let me tell you that it is very hard to write things like this. These scenes, they need a massive ammount of concentration since you're not writing something you've expierenced yourself... yeah, I just wanted you to know that with scenes like this, I try my best and I do my research but they still might seem slightly off if you know what I mean - slightly unnatural or romantisiced (idk how you spell that, welcome to dyslexia!). 
> 
> Yeah, that's all, haha...
> 
> Next Chapter: 
> 
> What should you do when one of your friends suddenly starts hallucinating that you're monsters... well, that's the question...
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	15. Disappear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to calm down your friend... if he's halucinating that you are a monster wanting to hurt him...

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 15: Disappear

Makoto’s clenching my shirt while we watch the movie Nagisa has chosen. It’s not really that creepy, but Makoto seems terrified, almost crawling behind me.

He shrieks, but there isn’t even really a jump scare, just that doll laying in a moving chair.

I wince, because his scream is so loud. I wonder if it would be a good idea to wrap my hand around him, because maybe that way he would be less scared.

I’m staring at Makoto, because he’s not even watching the movie anymore. I want to ask if he’s okay, because he looks very scared, but when his eyes meet mine he lets go of my t-shirt in an instance.

He glares at me with big eyes, mouthed opened as he suddenly starts crying out of nothing. My heart stops beating, not because Makoto’s eyes look even prettier with the glistering wetness over them, but because I have a bad feeling about this.

I glance up at Rin, who’s seemingly noticed something’s off as well.

“Nagisa, turn the movie off,” he says, without turning away from Makoto.

Makoto’s body jolts against mine while Rin talks, and all of a sudden Makoto shoots off the bed. He’s stumbling, running as far from the bed as possible.

“Nagisa, now!” Rin says, louder this time.

I watch as Rin slides off the bed and leans forward to Makoto. He starts sobbing now, almost as if he’s scared of Rin for some reason.

“No!” Makoto yells at Rin, trying to go even further backwards.

With his back against the wall, he gives Rin a hard kick. All the air forces out of Rin’s lungs and he starts coughing so hard I’m almost worried that Makoto just broke one of Rin’s ribs with that kick.

“No,” Makoto mumbles now, in between sobs. “Please, don’t hurt me.”

Rin keeps coughing and when he moves his hand away from his mouth there’s a small stain of dark blood in his palm.

He wipes it off on his pants and turns around to us. My gaze moves to Rei and Nagisa who are watching terror while Rin tells them that it looks like this episode is worst than ever before.

“I’ll get a nurse,” Rin says, slowly getting back on him feet while trying not to startle Makoto. “You just make sure he doesn’t freak out too much.”

No one of us nods, but we all will do what Rin asks us. As he turns around to the door I see that he winces and wraps his hand around his own chest. But he still quickly moves out of the room and we’re left alone with Makoto.

He looks like a little kid who just has seen a ghost, sobbing and crying in the corner of Rei’s room.

I want to say something, anything, to calm Makoto down. But I can’t think of anything, because the fear just takes over my brain. It stings to see Makoto like this even more now I know what’s going on.

Right now there’s just some kind of error inside his brain, throwing his brain back to childhood where monsters seem to be hiding in his closet or something like that.

And I just hate the look he gives me, because he doesn’t just not recognize me; he’s afraid of me.

Everything from the way he moves to the way his eyes glare at us, it’s all different. Almost like the seventeen-year-old Makoto who this body belongs to has disappeared into thin air.

It scares me, because both Rin and Makoto have made sure to let me know that one day this will be how Makoto will have to function. But what if that means that for the rest of his life he’ll be terrified of us?

I shake my head, because that won’t happen… it just can’t.

Makoto is just seventeen, he has his entire life in front of him and that can’t be taken away by some stupid disease. But his brain is failing him, no matter how young he is, and he suffers because of it.

I catch myself pressing myself against the wall on the exact opposite corner of the room from where Makoto’s curled up in a little ball of panic. I’m trying to move away from everything, because I’m not sad… I’m just as scared at Makoto is right now, maybe even more scared because I’m seeing this in reality is and what is actually going on, not just blurs and hallucinations like Makoto.

The door opens and Makoto shrieks again, his voice loud and high-pitched.

It’s just one of the nurses, Rin brought two just to be sure, but Makoto looks so scared that I’m almost convinced that he’s seeing them as terrifying creatures.

The nurse I don’t recognize walks up to Makoto and kneels down beside him. Makoto again defends himself by kicking and hitting around himself while sobbing and screaming.

I close my eyes, because I can’t watch while the nurse is almost strangling Makoto. But I can still hear the sound of screaming, almost as if Makoto’s being slaughtered.

A hand on my shoulder causes me to open my eyes. It’s Rin, mouthing to follow him outside. I do so, getting up from the bed and walking past Makoto without even looking at him because I don’t want to go to sleep with that image stuck in my mind.

The other nurse, nurse Aki, is waiting as Rin and I join Nagisa and Rei outside of the room. She has her hands on her hips and looks disappointed in all of us.

“Guys, I know you want to do movie nights,” she begins, her tone stern but still kind of compassionate. “But you know the limit is three, not more, in one room. It’s too crowded, and now look what happened?”

_Is she blaming us for what happened to Makoto?_

I frown in a mix anger and confusement. She can’t be blaming us; it’s that stupid disease that’s hurting Makoto this much, not us.

When my gaze meets Nagisa’s eyes I see that he’s crying, so are Rin and Rei. They’ve seen this quite a few times before and seeing their reaction this indeed was much worse than before.

They had to see that, I had to see that, and all nurse Aki can do is be mad at us for being with too many people in one room. That’s really the most she can worry about now? Instead of helping her fellow nurse get Makoto to calm down, she’s giving us a speech.

“Yeah, yeah,” Rin mumbles in between sobs and coughs. “We know. We are sorry.” He doesn’t sound sorry, I think none of are to be honest. We just want to know if our friend is okay, not whether we are going to get a warning because of this. And Rin makes this crystal clear. “Will Makoto be okay?” he asks, his tone commanding.

Nurse Aki shrugs, the tone in her voice changes as she says, “I think he will be, this didn’t look like something too big.”

_Not to big!?_ If this isn’t something too big or worrisome that must mean it’ll be even worse as time passes. And Makoto will have to continue living in a state even worse than this.

I swallow, probably audible because everyone’s eyes shoot at me for just a second before they slowly look back at nurse Aki again.

“Just go to bed, we’ll take care of Makoto in the meantime,” she reassures us with a kind smile. “I’m sorry, Rei, but you’ll have to wait until we get Makoto so far that he’s able to leave your room. But the rest of you, get some rest. We’ll let you know how Makoto’s doing in the morning.”

We nod, in silence and when I turn around to walk to my room a little above Rei’s I hear Rin’s voice interrupting the silence. His voice is hoarse and quiet as he asks something to the nurse.

I can barely hear him as I walk away, but I’m sure he asked her, “Uhm, I think Makoto might’ve hurt my lung when he kicked me away.” I hear him coughing, it sounds bad. “I don’t think this is good, can you maybe take a look at it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Memory Cards? I mean, they might come in handy :)


	16. Mind Is A Prison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sticky notes about everyone Makoto knows? Might come in handy!

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 16: Mind is a Prison

A soft knock on the door echoes through my fuzzy-feeling head. I’m in my room, but I don’t know how or when I got here.

I groan.

The door opens and nurse Danuja walks inside. She’s carrying all sorts of medical things. There’s a concerned look on her face when our eyes meet.

I’m still very tired and I can barely look up at her, since my eyes feel so heavy and my head stings when I try to move my eyes upward anyway. Closing them, I sigh.

“Makoto,” nurse Danuja says. “Do you remember what happened yesterday?”

She sounds very worried, but I don’t know what for. Maybe I had a seizure before I went to bed? No, that couldn’t be the case otherwise I’d probably in the medical building.

I want to tell her that I don’t know, but that proofs to be more difficult since my tongue feels numb and itchy and not really present. So instead of talking I just shake my head.

She takes a deep breath and tells me that that’s exactly what she thought. “You had another episode,” she explains. “And it was much worse than any other time.”

I swallow. I don’t want this to happen again, especially when my friends are close. It can’t have happened any other time, because the last thing I remember we were at Rei’s room, watching a movie.

They had to see the worst episode I had so far, and I bet I completely forgot who they were. Somewhere I know I can’t help it, but I still feel guilty about it.

“We have to keep an eye on this,” she continues, and she’s right. “I made sure you’ll have someone checking on you more often, and if you don’t feel good during class you’re always allowed to inform your teacher and leave to rest.”

I wince, I don’t want this special treatment, because it makes me feel invalid, while I’m still able to do so much without any help.

“I also talked it over with doctor Daiki.” She pauses and glances at the door. “We decided to give you another prescription of medication, because we want to prevent you getting seizures and liver or spleen enlargement and we want to avoid the expanding of ataxia, gaze palsy and loss of cognitive skills.” She takes a deep breath, and looks at me with an empathetic smile. “I have the med cart outside, if you want you can keep it in your room and I’ll explain when to take what. Are you okay with that?”

I nod, because I’ve always liked being able to keep my medication in my room myself since it makes me feel less like an incompetent person and more like someone who’s been doing this for quite a while.

Nurse Danuja gets the med card from the hallway, it’s just one of those iron carts filled with bottles of pills, papers, empty plastic containers, disinfectant, etcetera.

She brings it to my bed, while I get up and take a seat on the edge of my mattress so I can look at the cart more easily.

“Okay.” She places the cart in front of me. “You can fill this in however you think it’s the best for you, but I suggest you do something where you can cross off what medicines you have taken.”

I nod and since I don’t want to worry nurse Danuja, I also force myself to tell her, “Okay.” even though my tongue hasn’t yet lost its numbness and it’s still hard to talk.

“You ready?” she asks, glancing from the labeled bottles of pills to me. I nod again, because I’m completely ready to pay attention to her explanation about my new batch of pills.

Some of the pills I’ve already taken before today, medication like Prozac for possible depression, while others I haven’t even ever heard of, like FS which is for my developing gaze palsy, or the red pills that should counteract the numbness I’m feeling every once in a while.

When nurse Danuja’s explained what every pill is for and when to take it, she gets up and hands me a piece of paper where all the information is printed onto another time. “In case I forgot to tell you something,” she says with a kind smile.

I’m just glad she doesn’t say _“In case you forget”_ because that’d be plainly evil.

After saying that she walks to my door and gets ready to leave. She quickly tells me that doctor Daiki still expects to see me on Monday like every week. “So he can talk over some things with you and check if this treatment is working for you,” she explains before she walks to the hallway and closes the door behind her.

I glare at all the pills and empty plastic containers before I sigh. I’m just going to take a shower and arrange my med cart afterwards.

So I do, I take a short shower, with cold water because everyone has already showered before me and the warm water is just completely used up, and when I get back to my room with my hair still wet I sit back down onto my unmade bed.

Luckily I still remember what every pill is for and when to take them, things like that, so I put them on the containers. On little pieces of colorful sticky notes I write what’s the name of the pill in the container, what they’re for and when to take them and I stick the notes onto the container it belongs to.

Other than that I make a checklist for every morning, afternoon and evening. I don’t only make boxes to tick off for the medication I have to take, but also things like showering and brushing my teeth in case I’m going to forget whether I’ve done that and when not; I don’t want to walk around with yesterday’s breakfast in my teeth because I forgot to brush them.

That checklist I stick onto the side of the med cart, and I lay a marker beside the checklist so there’s no way I have nothing to write with.

Half an hour later I stare at the completely arranged med cart with proud, because not only does it look neatly ordered, it also looks colorful and not so depressing as all the other medical equipment I usually see around.

Somewhere I hope I won’t be needing to check the check-list other than when I cross off what pills I have taken for the day. I don’t want to forget so badly that I can’t even remember such things.

But even worse, I’m afraid it’ll happen, or that I’ll wake up one morning and forget who my friends are, who my family is… who am I.

I still have another half an hour until it’s time for breakfast, so I get up and walk to my desk where the unused post-its lie. I sit down at my desk and grab a pen and an orange sticky note and in big black letters write down:

‘ **Makoto Tachibana = you/yourself/me/myself.’**

I grab another post-it and continue to write in smaller letters. Trying to fit as much facts about myself as possible on one little post-it.

**‘Seventeen-year-old male (he/him), olive brown(-ish) hair and green eyes.’**

I continue, the pen scribbling over the paper as I write down all facts and little things I know about myself; incase I’d ever forget who I am myself. Every little detail I can think off about myself until I have a little bundle of post-its about myself. When I’ve finished writing I take some green tape and tape it together on the side like a little book. 

I do this for everyone I know and I need or want to remember; everyone from my friends and family to the nurses who care for me in my time here. And by the time that I have to start heading to the breakfast hall, I have a thick pile of informative bundles of notes lying all over my desk.

I get up and take a relieved breath; if I haven’t forgotten to write down anything about anyone, I’ll be able to always remember every little fact I know about everyone I know. Which means I can go eat my breakfast and lead my life with one thing less to worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> A schooltrip to the funfair right outside of the school grounds :)


	17. Carnival Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A school trip to the funfair outside of the schoolgrounds... and Haruka's feelings for Makoto?

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 17: Carnival Hearts

Today’s activity truly surprised me; we’re going to the carnival just outside of school ground. What also surprised me is that Makoto’s allowed to come with us, seeing what happened yesterday evening at Rei’s room.

I’m still not completely calmed down because of it and it took me long before I fell asleep last night. But Makoto seems to be doing fine, I don’t even think he remembers what happened. But I sure remember, every last detail to be more specific, the vivid images kept replaying in my brain while I lay in bed not long after what happened.

The way Makoto’s voice slurred, I can still remember it clearly, and the way he moved and looked at us; it scared me how different it was from how he’s acting now. His speech is still a little slurred, but not as much as yesterday, but other than that he’s all back to normal. Maybe he’s even looking better than he looked the past days, less pale and tired.

We’re all getting out of the bus when we arrive at the fun fair, just a few minutes away from the school. Everyone’s here, except for Rin. If I have to guess, I think Rin has taken a sick day off, because he also skipped breakfast this morning and if I remember his words of yesterday correctly he thought something was off after Makoto kicked him against the chest.

Part of me thinks Rin’s absence has to do with that, but the other part of me also thinks Rin might’ve just not been feeling like going to a busy carnival.

I get out of the bus as well and only now notice how crowded the fun fair is. It’s very busy, many teenagers, kids and parents are wandering around the grounds of the fun fair. But it’s not by far as busy as it’ll be later this afternoon.

The music is loud and while the nurses and teachers try to explain everything about today’s activity I can barely hear them over the music and screams.

They give us passes so we can pay for the attractions, foods and claw machines without actually spending our own money. Because since it’s a school activity they’ll be paying for us.

After that we’re allowed to do whatever we want for three hours straight. Nagisa’s the first to speak, telling us how badly he wants to get to some of the clawing machines. He takes Rei there immediately, and Makoto and I follow them with a little less pace.

We walk past the little stands and every once in a while I glance at Makoto. He’s silent, and I honestly have no idea what to say. I want to say a lot; I’d want to ask him about yesterday, but also not. But more than anything I want him to know what kinds of loops my heart has been doing the couple of past days since I’ve met Makoto for the second time.

It’s strange, because I didn’t have this feeling when we first met years ago. Back then I just saw Makoto as a friend, but now that feeling has changed. As if every time our eyes meet my heart skips a beat and my stomach flips and fills up with butterflies.

“Makoto?” I ask, his name just spills from my lips so easily. But when his bright green eyes meet mine I immediately regret saying his name out loud.

I want to tell him about the way my heart skips when he’s nearby, but I can’t.

“I-is something wrong?” Makoto asks, worry can be read from his face.

My face feels warm, I’m pretty sure I’m blushing. While his eyes shift from my left eye to my right I feel fluttering in my stomach; I’m not rid of the feeling.

“Uhm,” I stammer, glancing away to try to hide the fact that I’m turned redder with every second that passes.

I want to tell Makoto about my feeling, I want him to know so badly. But somehow the words refuse to leave my mouth, leaving me with only stuttering sounds and a red face.

“Uh,” Makoto replies, his eyes searching mine. “Are you okay, Haruka?”

I open my mouth again. My eyes shoot to the ground where I focus on a piece of chewed gum which has been stuck to the pavement for probably quite a while.

I swallow, but my throat feels tighter than usual. How am I going to tell this to Makoto?

I press my lips together and prepare for the words to finally leave my mouth. But when my mouth opens and I gaze meets Makoto’s beautiful eyes I chicken out.

“Shall we, uhm,” I stammer, looking around me searching for something to distracts him from this awkward moment. “Shall we get some cotton candy?”

At first Makoto seems confused, but eventually he smiles at me and says, “Yes.”

But as we walk to the stand, all I can think of is how disappointed I am in myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry... This chapter is so damn short...
> 
> But!
> 
> I'm going to post the next chapter as well :)
> 
> __________________________________________
> 
> Next Chapter:  
> How to tell someone you have feelings for them? or how not too...?


	18. I Wouldn't Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to tell someone you have feelings for them? or how not too...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because the last chapter was so short, here's a little present :)\  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 18: I Wouldn’t Mind

Being at a fun fair is always fun. There’s always stuff to do, so we’re enjoying ourselves.

It’s strange that Rin isn’t here, because he didn’t let me know that he would be absent, nor has he seemed sicker than usually the couple of past days.

But other than that everyone’s acting normal; Haruka’s just as silent as ever, but every once in a while I catch him stealing glances at me and when our eyes meet he starts blushing. I wonder what that is about, but I just hope it has nothing to do with what happened yesterday.

I can imagine that I made him feel awkward if it really was as bad as nurse Danuja told me. He must’ve seen some things he shouldn’t have to see.

Now again, he’s stealing glances at me, as the four of us get in the cue for the Ferris Wheel. It’s the last, and only, attraction I’m going on. I haven’t been on anything else, because I’m afraid something happens while I’m on the ride, but not much can go wrong in the Ferris Wheel.

Even Rei can join us on this one, because when we’re at the front of the line we ask whether they can pause the wheel so Nagisa can help Rei from his wheelchair onto the Ferris Wheel’s seat.

This is possible, so when it’s our turn to get onto the ride they pause it for just a minute so Rei can get in. Nagisa and Rei go in one cabinet and Haruka and I get into the next one.

I can hear Nagisa and Rei talking to each other in the cabinet above us, but Haruka and I are both silent as we slowly move up. I’m enjoying the view; it’s amazing how every human being looks so small when you’re floating above them.

I wish all my problems were as small as the young kids who’re pressing themselves through the crowd to get to the clawing machines. But they aren’t, not at all times, but at the moment they might be.

I clear my mind and slowly breathe in the lukewarm fall air. It’s clearly fall, the trees are wearing their orange leafs and it’s getting colder with every day that passes. The yellow and red and orange of the leafs make the view even prettier than it would be in any other time of the year.

When I glance at Haruka, I see that he’s not enjoying the view. His eyes are watching me and even though he looks away when I glance at him, I still notice that he’s watching me from the corner of his eye.

Both our body’s shock when the Ferris Wheel suddenly stops moving, right when we’re at the top. I hear Nagisa and Rei laughing about it, but I’m not all that excited about a ride breaking when we’re on it and have to get back to the bus in not that long.

When our cabinet has stopped swaying from the left to the right, I look back at Haruka. His head is turned away from me, which means he probably doesn’t feel like talking, but I have to know why Haruka’s been acting off all day.

“Haruka?” I say, my speech is quiet and still a little slurred from yesterday. “Do you feel awkward about what happened yesterday?”

Haruka turns his head to me, his eyes search mine and when they meet mine I add, “I mean, it’s like you’re not yourself.”

Haruka shakes his head and glances at his lap. Before I can think of another thing to say, I notice that Haruka’s cheeks are turning completely red again. I don’t remember him blushing easily when we were younger, but his cheeks go pink every time I talk to him lately.

“Is there, uh.” I don’t know how to ask what’s going on. It’s like my thoughts are letters that aren’t forming into words and sentences. “Is there another reason why you’ve been acting a little awkward today?”

_Maybe it has to do with Rin being absent,_ I wonder. It could be that Haruka’s just as worried that I am, maybe it’s just that he shows it and I don’t. But that seems out of character for someone like Haruka, he’s not the type of person whose emotions can be read from his face.

“Well,” Haruka mumbles, turning his face even further away from me. “I-I, uhm.”

I glare at him while I wait for what he’s going to say, but when he goes silent for a moment I doubt he’s ever going to say anything at all.

“Haruka?” I ask, when Haruka’s been quiet for a while. I wonder if maybe he got bad news from doctor Daiki, or whether something happened while I was sleeping.

Haruka slowly turns his head back to me, he’s completely flushed. His voice is quiet and almost inaudible when he whispers, “I-I have f-feelings for you.”

I frown, confusement is taking over for a second. I don’t know why he has to make such a big deal about it.

I smile, glad it wasn’t something bad, like him doing worse than when he just got here or something like that. Haruka smiles back, but just very slightly.

“I have feelings for you too,” I answer, closing my eyes as I smile even wider.

I hear a short gasp, I don’t know what for, but when I open my eyes Haruka’s face is even redder than before.

“Really?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I reply, confused about why he’s so surprised about that. “We’re best friends, of course I like you!”

Haruka’s eyes meet mine and his mouth slightly opens. It closes again and Haruka’s face suddenly saddens. I wonder if maybe there was a “but” and I just talked right over it.

All of a sudden I want to take back all of my words, because maybe Haruka’s feeling bad now. Maybe he wanted to tell me that after what he saw yesterday he thinks we can’t be friends, that what he saw was so painful he doesn’t want to ever be near me again.

I feel a lump in my throat, my eyes move away from Haruka and all I want is for this ride to continue so I can escape this conversation. I just don’t want to hear what Haruka has to say, and it’s all for selfish reasons; because I want to be his friend, I need him to be beside me.

“We’re best friends?” Haruka mumbles, possibly to himself. “No.”

I close my eyes and swallow. I knew this was going to happen, I just felt it; I’ve been feeling it all day long. Haruka doesn’t want to be best friends, he doesn’t want to be to me like Rin and Nagisa and Rei. The opposite, he can’t be friends with someone like me.

My eyes are focused on my lap while I await Haruka’s confession; that he doesn’t want to be near me anymore. But it doesn’t come, there’s just silence.

Until I look up, my eyes meet Haruka’s again. There’s a tiny shimmer over his eyes and I wonder if it’s tears or just a natural thing that comes to Haruka’s bright blue eyes.

My cheeks get warmer, for some reason, when Haruka opens his mouth. His lips part just slightly and his cheeks get so much more flushed.

“No, Makoto,” he whispers. “I mean I _love_ you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Does "I wish you were gay" say enough?


	19. I Wish You Were Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says enough... or does it?

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 19: Wish You Were Gay

I’m warm, my blood is probably boiling at this point. I just told Makoto what my feelings are, how I’ve been feeling ever since we met again.

There’s no immediate reply, actually there’s still no reply by the time the Ferris Wheel starts moving again. Makoto just sits there with his mouth slightly opened and his eyes fixated on mine.

I can’t look away, my eyes are locked with his, even though I would love to look away now that there’s this long awkward silence.

The mood has changed completely, but I don’t know if that’s right or wrong. Right now, I don’t know anything.

His eyes are big and full of confusement, but eventually he smiles. He smiles wide and at the same time he blushes. His eyes are closed when he tells me that he doesn’t mind.

My heart makes a jump, but my brain is still processing all of this. My thoughts are throwing a million different questions at me, but I have no answers.

I stare at Makoto as he opens his eyes again and his smile suddenly fades away. His cheeks are still slightly pink, but he’s eyes seem more sad than confused.

I’m about to say something, anything, just because I want to break the silence. But Makoto is first, because after he turns away and I’m looking to the side of his head he says, “But I can’t.”

I gaps. All of a sudden my mouth seems dryer than before and my breath is shaking heavily while I await more answers to my unasked questions.

_Why can’t he? Doesn’t he want to? Or is there something else?_

Makoto swallows audibly. “I’m sorry, but I cannot love you in that way.” He pauses, his gaze moves back to me but doesn’t meet my eyes. “I’m afraid that I’ll hurt you. I-I just… I can’t do that.”

I look down to my lap. I don’t get it, but at the same time I do; Makoto is afraid that the same will happen to us as what happened with Rin and his boyfriend. I get that, but his words still sting. They hurt while they cut into my heart.

“I’m sorry, Haruka,” he repeats.

His hand reaches out for mine, but I pull away before he can even get to me. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me, but hearing that hurts even more than it did when I was diagnosed with this stupid terminal disease.

Thinking about it, if it wasn’t for our illnesses we could be closer than just friends. Or maybe it isn’t that he’s sick, maybe he just doesn’t think of me that way. But in that case he shouldn’t be saying that he can’t because he doesn’t want to hurt me.

I look away, shutting my mouth while I try to accept the rejectment.

Makoto says a few other things, but his speech is turned down by my racing thoughts.

We’re down to the ground again and as soon as the little gate opens I storm out of the little cabinet. Instead of going to Nagisa and Rei, I walk straight past them; I need some alone time. I walk to the place where everyone’s supposed to meet in ten minutes. I’m the first one, but I don’t care about that. The opposite, I actually find it calming to be alone for just a few minutes.

I’ve got enough of the fun and cheerfulness and loud music. My ears are pumping, my cheeks are burning and my heart is racing so badly I’m surprised my med sensor hasn’t gone off yet.

I’m not mad, or sad; just a little confused, or maybe disappointed at most. I can’t help my feelings, because even when Makoto finds me sitting on the ground ten minutes later I feel the butterflies in my stomach.

Makoto can say what he wants, he can reject me or maybe even avoid me from now on, but I can’t get my heart to stop skipping when he’s near; I can’t tell my heart not to fall for him, because everything about him makes me feel lightheaded.

I avoid Makoto on the bus ride home and the rest of the afternoon, because I don’t want to give him the option to avoid me instead.

And when I drop myself onto my bed that evening, all I can think about is how I messed up. I couldn’t have found a worse moment to tell him about my feelings, how could I think that is was the right time.

I shake my head while I sigh in my pillow.

It isn’t my fault, not his either. If we both just could’ve been healthy… that way he wouldn’t have had a reason to shatter my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another short one, I'll post a second one again :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3
> 
> Next Chapter:  
> Makoto gets bad news... shit!


	20. Bad News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto gets some bad news... shit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter of the day :)

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 20: Bad News

It’s Monday, and just like every Monday afternoon I have an appointment at doctor Daiki’s office. I’m waiting, staring at my hands, until the person before me is finally done with their check-up.

I’m feeling a little strange, but not in an unhealthy way, just a little sad in some sort of way. Yesterday has been a strange day too; Rin did show up to breakfast yesterday, but he looked paler than usual and he has thick black circles under his bloodshot eyes. It was clear that he hadn’t slept at all.

And today he skipped lunch again, when I asked the others if they knew what was going on with Rin they just shrugged, but I had the feeling they do know.

Haruka’s also been acting strange ever since his confession on the Ferris Wheel.

He showed up to breakfast like he always does, but instead of stealing glances at me like normally, he kept staring down at his barely touched food.

I wonder if he meant what he told me. I also wonder why my heart started racing when he said that he really liked me in a different way from just friendship. I don’t know what that rapid beating meant, but I had never felt it before that moment.

My hands start shaking even more than they do usually when I think back to the way his eyes shimmered in the fall sun when he spoke. The doubt and seriousness in his voice and the way his cheeks colored slightly pink.

“Makoto, you can come in.” Doctor Daiki’s voice interrupts my thoughts and when I look up I see him standing in the doorway. I nod and get up, trying to get my hands to stop shaking – unsuccessful.

“Good afternoon, doctor,” I greet him, giving him a smile.

Doctor Daiki smiles back at me and lets me in. He walks up to his laptop while I take a seat on the disposable paper that has been laid down on the examination table.

“So, Makoto,” he begins, his voice sounds slightly different from his usual calmth, but I guess that’s normal with the whole new medical prescription and all. “How have you been doing?”

I glance down at my lap and tell him that I’ve been doing about the same as usual. “There have been no recent episodes after last Friday,” I reassure him. “and I don’t think any of the symptoms has worsened or lessened. So that’s good, I guess.”

Doctor Daiki nods, but I can clearly see doubt in his eyes. “Well, I was hoping to hear you’ve experienced some improvement, but I guess I can’t expect that after just a weekend.” He pauses. “Last Friday, after what happened I did some tests with you, can you remember this?”

I shake my head, but I suspected that he did because otherwise he couldn’t have come up with another treatment. “Not at all, honestly,” I admit, and somehow I feel a little ashamed about that.

“Okay, that doesn’t surprise me, you weren’t really feeling well when we did them so that makes sense,” he says with a serious expression on his young, but wrinkled face. “Anyway, we did a little eye exam, a prenatal test among some other tests and I made a MRI scan.”

I nod along as he talks, that way he can see that I’m paying attention. But I’m deep in thoughts, I’m trying to remember these things, but I can’t even detect the slightest memory of it.

“I want to show you something, okay?” doctor Daiki asks, while taking his laptop off his desk and placing it on his lap with the screen in my direction. He shows me a mayor amount of information put in charts and I can barely make anything of it.

“What does it mean?” I ask after staring at the screen for a while.

“These are the results of the tests I’ve been doing with you for the past few months,” he explains in a calm but serious voice. “So, three months ago you were doing pretty well for someone in your state. You didn’t show any signs of hepatosplenomegaly, gaze palsy or hypotonia and you barely showed loss of cognitive skills.”

I nod, because I remember that they found out because of my lack of coordination and a slight tremor. None of the other symptoms had occurred yet, but it didn’t take long after I got here before I started showing the abnormal movements in my eyes that they call gaze palsy and I started having more recent episodes.

“But Friday you got me really worried.” Doctor Daiki’s worried eyes meet mine, which probably looks terrified, because I don’t know what he means by that. To me it was just another episode, according to nurse Danuja it was worse but nothing like a seizure or complete memory loss. Nothing irreversible, at least that’s what I’d been told.

“The test result weren’t as bad as I thought at first, but they still are pretty worrying,” he continues, rubbing his eyes by reaching under his glasses. “To start off I’ve detected enlargement in the spleen, the liver seems to be okay, but we have to keep a close eye on your spleen.” He pauses. “That’s why I want to see you two times a week, I suggest you come by on Mondays and Thursdays. If the spleen starts to give you symptoms or worsens we’ll have to consider spleen removal.”

My eyes are focused on my hands, because I just can’t look at doctor Daiki and process this new at the same time. Spleen enlargement is serious, if we don’t keep a close eye on it, I might get a ruptured spleen and that can cause fatal bleeding.

“Other than that you’ve been showing signs of retardation,” he continues. “This might be irreversible or worsen through time, but I’ll have to see how this will develop.”

My throat is feeling tighter than ever; none of the things doctor Daiki says really surprise me, because it’s to happen sooner than later anyway, but that doesn’t mean it hurts to hear these harsh facts.

“Lastly you seem to be developing gaze palsy,” he explains. “I just hope the new medication I gave you will be able to make sure that these symptoms don’t get worse.”

I nod, because I can’t put my thoughts and questions and feelings into words. I just sit there and listen to doctor Daiki explaining more about how if this medical approach won’t work it’d be our last option and how we have to keep a close eye on every symptom in case they get worse since it can cause fatal circumstances.

When he’s done talking I’m almost inside of his office for over half an hour, he’s explained everything and I know almost everything I want to know. Except for one thing.

“Doctor Daiki?” I ask, when I’m basically on my way out. “How much time do you think I still have left?”

It’s a hard question and I can barely get the words to roll of my slightly numb tongue, but I have to know. I can’t just wander around not knowing while I’m able to drop dead any moment. And if I know I can calculate how many weeks I have until I might not be able to leave my room anymore and actually enjoy the time I still have left.

“Well.” Doctor Daiki scratches his chin and closes his eyes for a brief moment before he says, “I can’t tell.”

A deep sigh escapes from my mouth since I already expected that to be the answer he was going to give me. But that’s not an answer I can be satisfied with.

“How long,” I repeat, because I have to have a move specific answer.

“Look, Makoto,” he mumbles, clearly unsure of what to say. “If you really want to know.” I nod, he takes a deep breath. “It’s likely you’ll only have a couple of weeks, but it could certainly also be a year or maybe even two.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the massive amounts of doctortalk in this chapter... I hope you were still able to enjoy it though :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3
> 
> Next Chapter:  
> What can a person do when they're still in love with the person who rejected them...?


	21. Still In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to do when you're still madly in love with someone who rejected you just a couple of days ago...?

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 21: Still In Love

It’s been five days since the Ferris Wheel drama, but I still haven’t quite gotten the pain out of system. Every time Makoto’s eyes meet mine it’s like the wound is re-opened again.

Ever since Saturday I’ve been avoiding talking to Makoto, or looking at him too much; it’s painful to see how every day he seems to be looking a little worse than the day before and that that’s the reason he doesn’t want me to have feelings for him or the other way around.

Talking about people who’ve been looking worse with every day that passes, Rin looks even paler than a ghost. He’s clearly not feeling well.

This, I notice when we’re sitting at the breakfast table that morning. Rin looks like he can pass out any moment, wheezing while he slowly eats his dry rice. It’s like he’s out of breath at all times of the day.

I stare at my food while I eat, that way I don’t have to look at Rin’s pale face and black circles or Makoto’s sad and tired expression. Because it hurts, seeing either of them hurts.

Rei hasn’t even shown up to breakfast, which seems to worry Nagisa. But he doesn’t show it as much as any of the other two. But even before the bell rings Nagisa gets up and says, “I’m going to check on Rei, okay?” before walking away without even waiting for an answer.

We’re left with the three of us and we sit in silence; or at least as silent as it gets, the wheezing and coughing and chatting of the other teenagers is still present. It makes me feel really uneasy, because normally Makoto would start a conversation when it’s just the three of us, but now he’s also quiet while he stares at his untouched plate of food.

We all get up when the bell rings and we head to class. Even before we reach the classroom, Rin stops walking.

Makoto and I both turn around when we hear the loud wheezing coming from Rin. The slurping of his cannula sounds terrifying and his dry cough sounds like his lungs are going to give up on him any second now.

“I’m going to.” Rin pauses to cough, holding his hand in front of his mouth while he turns away from us. “I’m going to take a sick day off.”

He doesn’t look well, so I think that’s a good choice. None of us can reply before Rin burst back into a coughing fit and a nurse, who was walking through the hallways, comes towards us.

“Are you okay?” she asks, laying her hand on Rin’s shoulder.

Rin nods and stops coughing, but the nurse still takes him to the medical building to make sure he’s really okay.

Makoto and I are left with the two of us. We walk into the classroom in silence and we both take a seat beside each other without saying a word. This awkward silence between us stays for the rest of the lesson even though we’re supposed to work together; but since Makoto doesn’t start a conversation with me and I don’t know how to start one, we stay quiet.

Something about Makoto is really off, and I don’t know if it’s because I confessed to him or something else. But ever since it happened he’s been more quiet than usual. And it scared me a little, but above all it makes me sad; I could be the cause of Makoto’s depressed expression.

I think mister Fumihiro also notices the change in Makoto’s behavior, because when we have to leave class for resting period he calls Makoto over to his desk to talk. When he does that, there’s this look on Makoto’s face. He just winces while he gets up and walks over to mister Fumihiro’s desk, but somehow his expression seems worried and sadder than before.

Even though I know Makoto and I are probably going to spend our resting period apart from each other, I still wait for Makoto in the hallway. The other teenagers walk past me while I lean against the window, waiting for Makoto to finish his conversation with mister Fumihiro.

I’m waiting for almost ten minutes before Makoto walks outside, his eyes are red and his cheeks are flushed. The expression on his face goes from sad to surprised when our eyes meet.

Even though his eyes are the same as always, they seem duller somehow. As if the pale skin and sad expression took away their beautiful vibrant color.

“Uh,” Makoto stammers, glancing away before he starts blushing even more. “I- thanks for waiting, Haruka.”

I nod, because I don’t know how to reply to that, and we start walking to the boys’ dorms. It’s that our rooms are on the same floor, otherwise Makoto would probably be weirded out by the fact that we haven’t talked for a few days in a row and I still wait for him after classes.

While we’re walking the only sound are our footsteps. At least, up to the point that we’re halfway the big field. Makoto suddenly clears his throat and says, “So, what do you think about our English assignment?”

I look up, surprised that he’s starting a conversation, even if it’s just small talk. I missed talking to him, even though he always does all the talking.

I shrug, thinking about our assignment. We have to write a story of at least five hundred words in English.

“It’s pretty stupid, right?” Makoto asks, chuckling awkwardly while scratching the back of his head.

I smile, because for some reason when I see Makoto doing that, chuckling and scratching the back of his head at the same time, it makes me smile. “Yeah, it is.”

“I don’t even know what to write about,” Makoto continues. “What are you going to write about?”

I look down at the floor, thinking about what I’m going to write about. My thoughts quickly continue to think about Makoto’s green eyes and about how for some reason I feel so much warmer than before. Maybe it is because my, now mainly bare, head is covered by a thick blue hat, but it’s probably because Makoto’s talking to me again.

We go on talking about the assignment, Makoto comes up with some great ideas for short stories; probably because he reads a lot of books himself. But none of the ideas really inspire him to actually write, he tells me.

Now that we’re talking and actually laughing again, the walk to the dorms doesn’t last long enough at all. Within no time we’re inside and wandering through the mostly empty hallways.

“So, what are you going to do during rest period?” Makoto asks. He glances at me in curiosity and I wonder if I should ask him to spend some time together when I suddenly here a high-pitched sound.

It’s this ear deafening screech, almost like some kind of alarm going off. I’ve never heard it before, but when my eyes meet Makoto’s he looks terrified.

“Shit,” he mumbles, already starting to run in the direction where the noise is coming from. “T-that’s a med sensor!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Who's med sensor is that? and why is it going off?


	22. Boom Clap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's med sensor just went off???

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 22: Boom Clap

The sound of a med sensor, that’s the most cursed sound possible. It means someone’s heart has either stopped or is beating so rapidly that it’s life-threatening.

I don’t even want to think about whose it is, I don’t want to see it, but my legs start running the direction of the beeping without hesitating.

I hear wheezing behind me, meaning Haruka’s probably following me.

I’m just going on instinct, but I quickly find myself walking towards a room I’ve been many times before; Rei’s room on the first floor.

_No, please, no!_

Every part of me is screaming as I get closer and closer to both the sound and Rei’s room. I just don’t want to it be what I think it is.

It would make sense; Rei was absent during breakfast this morning and Nagisa seemed pretty worried about him, meaning that Rei didn’t let Nagisa know that he was taking a sick day off.

So what if he just slept until know, or what if nurses have been keeping him alive for the past few hours, not just for the time that Haruka and I are in this building.

I start running when I see a crowd gathered in the hallway. It’s surrounding the noise, and Rei’s room.

“No!” I scream, out loud this time.

The door is closed and a nurse is pressing herself through the crowd of people. I follow her, pushing aside people as my mind show’s me the terrible options of what could be going on.

I’m start crying when an image of Rei lying on the ground with pale skin, deformed body and a beeping med sensor enters my brain. I shake away the thought, because I don’t want to believe it; this can’t be Rei’s med sensor! It’s not possible that I’m going to see one of my best friends die today.

My brain is just making me crazy, is what I tell myself but that doesn’t help to make me feel less terrified.

I press through the crowd all the way to the now open door. I close my eyes for a second, feeling how tears run over my cheeks, before I dare to look.

My heart almost stops when I hear the beeping of the med sensor stop, which can mean two things; Rei’s either saved of dead.

My eyes shoot open and my mouth immediately falls open when I see Rei’s room. It’s almost as if there’s no one there; Rei’s wheelchair is standing to the side and there’s no choking body lying on the floor like I was expecting.

Instead there’s a blond wig, red glasses and a large amount of clothing on the floor and lump of blanket on Rei’s bed.

Two pairs of eyes staring are at the nurse in the doorway. One of the pairs of eyes belongs to Rei, but the other sh0uldn’t even been in this room. Nagisa’s wigless head is sticking out from under Rei’s blanket.

They’re both blushing really badly, and even though it shouldn’t take that long to figure what they were doing it only occurs to me when someone in the crowd yells, “So, Ryuugazaki.” His voice is loud, and cynical. “Appears Hazuki’s blow job is to die for!”

“We weren’t--.” Rei’s face turns even redder and when my eyes meet Nagisa’s he glances away shamefully. I wonder if this is the reason why Rei wasn’t at breakfast this morning, because he wanted some alone time with Nagisa.

I want to turn away, because they should get some privacy; no one should be allowed to see this, but the nurse still hasn’t closed the door.

People are laughing and shouting all kinds of things, going from “faggots!” to cynical comments about the situation, just to embarrass Nagisa and Rei.

The nurse turns around to all of us, her eyes big and cheeks flushed in shock. She seems like she’s never seen something like this happen before, even though I doubt that’s the case when you fill one dorm building with over seventy teenagers.

“Everyone go back to your rooms!” she yells, her voice is stern and her expression serious but still a little shocked. “And I don’t want any of you to say another word about what happened.”

There’s something of empathy in her voice, almost as if it happened to herself once before and she knows how shameful it is to be interrupted during such moment. That empathy disappears when she turns back to Rei and Nagisa and says, “Out of the bed, both of you. And put on some clothes, right now!”

The door closes and I can hear her yelling at them through the walls. They’re going to get in trouble for this, I know it, but I’m just really glad that it wasn’t something more serious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT IS MY OBSESSION WITH THE SHORT CHAPTERS!?  
> Another one? Yeah? YEAH!
> 
> Next Chapter:  
> Was it all a terrible nightmare? or wasn't it just a dream?


	23. Just A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it all a nightmare? or wasn't it just a dream?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd chapter of the day... I do this often now, don't I?  
> I hope you'll enjoy :)

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 23: Just A Dream

Yesterday’s med sensor drama is the topic of conversation all around the breakfast hall the next morning.

We’re all sitting on the table and I think we’re all a little awkward about it. Rin only heard about what happened this morning. Strangely that wasn’t because of a random comment, but because Nagisa told it to Rin himself.

Even though Nagisa seems lightly proud of what happened, Rei just wants to disappear, especially every time someone I don’t know walks by us and makes a comment about what happened. Most comments are insults about them being a couple, while others are about it being a total mood.

While I eat my breakfast in silence I watch as Nagisa glances at Rei and says, “Shall we show them what you found out?” with a short wink.

Rei rolls his eyes at Nagisa, but his grin tells all of us that he’s pretty proud of whatever Nagisa’s talking about. He clears his throat and lays his trembling hand onto the table, showing off his med sensor. “I found a way to turn it off,” he tells us. “Just temporarily, but it’s possible.”

“Come on, Rei,” Nagisa says. “Show them how!”

Nagisa smiles, but Rei looks even more proud about his invention. He tries to point at this black, barely noticeable, button on the side of the med sensor. He shakes so much, that’s why Nagisa points at it more specifically.

“I found out that if you hold this button for a couple of seconds,” Rei begins to explain, and we all watch carefully as he talks. “the med sensor will temporarily shut itself down. You’ll come back on the radar after about twenty to thirty minutes, or you hold the button another few seconds to turn it on again.”

My mouth almost opens from surprisement, but I keep it shut since it’s stupid of the makers to put that button on a place where the patients can find it. 

“Isn’t it dangerous to turn it off?” Makoto asks. He seems to have the same worries as me, but Nagisa and Rei just shrug as if they aren’t here because their heart can stop any moment of the day.

“As long as we don’t do it when there’s no one near us,” Rei suggests. “I mean, it won’t harm if there’s someone close to get help, right?”

Makoto glances around the table, so he just shrugs and says, “Yeah, I guess.”

Rei quickly lays his hand back on his lap and Nagisa finishes his breakfast before the bells ring, telling us that it’s time to head to our classes.

The rest of the day goes by as usual; Makoto, Rin and I go to our two classes before rest period and lunch where we’re together with Nagisa and Rei and after that we go to our last two classes before we end off the day with dinner.

As soon as dinner is over I go to my room and throw the hat I’ve been wearing every day from now onto my desk. It’s way too warm when I wear it, but it’s better than having a cold head. I also put on my pajamas, because I’m not planning to get out of bed anymore for the rest of the day.

After that I sit down on the edge of my bed while I set up the Dialysis for my night routine. It took nurse Aki quite a while to teach me how to set it up properly, but now I’ve got the hang of it and I don’t have to worry about staying awake until nurse Aki has come by to check on me.

By the time I’m laying the right position under the warm bedding, I’m exhausted. I’m actually that tired that it’s still two hours before actual lights out by the time I’m too tired to keep my eyes open any longer.

_I’m running, panting._

_My legs are moving so fast and I keep tripping over my own feet._

_“No!” I yell, my voice is loud and it echoes through the forest._

_I can clearly hear the loud noise, it’s a med sensor, I just cannot find out where it’s coming from. I know whose it is, that’s the worst._

_Why did he go into the woods? Why on his own? He was bound to forget where he is, so why didn’t he ask any of us to go get the book he left with us._

_The book, I think, I have to find the book!_

_I start running in the direction of where we normally sit, but all there is, is the book in the same place he left it. But the noise is closer, the screaming and deafening sound._

_I run, faster._

_My head feels light, but I’m not going to pass out, I see him._

_I run closer, kneel down, my knees scraping over the leafs and sticks._

_His body is pale and cold, his mouth is covered in mud and blood and saliva._

_He’s gone._

I scream, tears running over my cheeks as my eyes shoot open.

The blankets are all lying on the floor, but I’m still covered in sweat. My mouth and nose feel warm and a little wet, and when I take my hand past it it’s covered in thick, dark blood.

I get upright, tell myself that is was just a dream as I grab a handkerchief to get the bleeding to stop. I stare at the wall while I notice that one thing hasn’t stopped when my nightmare ended; the loud beeping of a med sensor is still sounding, making noise that passes through all the walls.

I first listen where it’s coming from and when I find out where the sound is coming from I fold my hand in front of my mouth and gasp.

It’s coming from one of the doors nearby me.

_Makoto!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tum-Tuumm-TUUUMMM!
> 
> Next Chapter:  
> Was it Makoto's med sensor that was going off?  
> No? Yes? Wat happened?


	24. To My Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it Makoto's med sensor going off? And what happened?

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 24: To My Parents

The medical building is one of the places you want to spend as few moments as possible. The sounds of heart monitors and respirators can always be heard when you’re here.

This is the first morning I woke up to the bright light of the fierce hospital lamps. Everything hurt when my eyes opened; my tongue was completely numb, my head felt like I slammed it against something with full force and most of all my stomach and chest hurt.

I had internal bleeding from the spleen last night and therefore they had to rush me to the emergency room. At least that’s what doctor Daiki told me when he came by this morning.

I’m hooked up to an IV and completely drugged up with painkillers right now, that way I won’t feel the incision that much. But it still hurts and even though I’m exhausted I can’t sleep because of the stitches and the noise of the heart monitor.

My tongue is feeling less numb than before, which is good since I want to bring the news to my parents on my own. I don’t want them to be called by a nurse or doctor, telling them that they had to pull me from my bed, screaming and crying, yesterday evening. I want them to hear it from me, so they know I’m completely fine and all the pain I have is from the surgery itself.

When nurse Danuja walks into my room, she smiles and hands me the phone I asked her to get me. “Just try not to stay on the phone for too long, okay?” she says when I take the phone from her. “It’s important that you try to rest as much as possible.”

She told me I had to rest when I just had woken up from the anesthetics I was under. “That’s why your friends can’t visit,” she said with a stern look on her face.

I bet she told that to Rin, Haruka, Nagisa and Rei as well and they probably made a scene about wanting to see me. Especially Nagisa, he probably made it hard for her to tell them “no”.

I wonder if they saw what happened to me, but I don’t think they have. Everyone was sleeping when it happened, that much I know, but I have no idea who was woken up by my med sensor going off in the middle of the night.

“Yeah, yeah,” I tell her, typing in my mom’s phone number. “I know.”

I wait until nurse Danuja has left the room before I start calling. I’m completely silent, heart racing while I wait for her to pick up her phone.

After a moment her voice sounds on the other side of the line. I’m not sure what time of the day it is, but hearing Ren and Ran’s voices in the background it’s probably evening, otherwise they’d be in school or at child care.

“Hi, mom,” I say, and when I hear my voice echoing through the speakers I realize how much my voice is slurred.

“Oh, Makoto.” Every time she picks up the phone and I greet her she immediately sounds worried. Normally I roll my eyes at how worried she sounds, but right now I’m actually more terrified than she is; I don’t want to tell her what happened, but I have to.

“Why are you calling at this time?” she asks, her voice moves away from the microphone and I hear her telling Ren and Ran to, please, put on their pajamas and brush their teeth. “Anyway, how are you, dear?”

Before I can answer her question I hear Ren’s voice asking, “Mom? Is that Makoto?” followed by Ran’s voice begging her to put me on loudspeaker. Mom tells them that that’s okay, but that makes it worse for me to tell her what happened.

“Hey, big brother Makoto!” they chime on the other side of the line. Their little voices sound tired, but at the same time they seem very hyper like always.

I’m almost sure it’s bedtime for them, which worries me since I had no idea I was unconscious for that long.

“Hi,” I reply, smiling to no one since I’m alone in the little room with clean white walls. “How are my little siblings?”

Ren and Ran tell me about everything they’ve been doing for the past week; going to school, seeing friends, swimming and helping mom do the household when dad’s not home. And when they’re done rattling on about it, we’re almost half an hour further.

Mom tells them to go to bed before she comes back on the phone again. Her voice sounds worried when she asks, “So, why did you call, dear?”

I take a deep breath while slowly tracing the place where the surgery marks sting my skin with my trembling fingers. I’m trying to find a way to tell her without making it sound worse than it is, because I don’t want to worry her.

“Well,” I mumble, staring at my lap. “I-I, uhm.”

“Please don’t tell me you had another episode,” she asks, her voice even more worried than anytime I spoke to her on the phone before. “Or a seizure? God, please no.”

I close my eyes, sighing. “No, I’m okay,” I say. “It’s just, well, they removed my spleen last night and I wanted to share the news.”

There’s a silent on the other side of the line and after a while mom’s voice sounds again. “And they didn’t bother to call me to discuss this with your dad and me?” She sounds annoyed and clearly bothered by the fact that they didn’t reflect this over with her. “That’s just… they’re supposed to call us before they make such decisions, because what if something had happened? What if you didn’t wake up from the anesthetics? What if--”

“Mom,” I interrupt her, my voice as calm as possible. “They would’ve called you if- if this wasn’t an emergency surgery.”

“An emergency surgery,” mom stammers. “Makoto, what are you talking about?”

This is what I didn’t want to tell her, but seems that I have to explain what happened anyway, even though I don’t remember anything from last night.

“Last night, when I was sleeping,” I begin. “my spleen sort of bled, causing internal bleeding and they had to remove my spleen.”

Mom stays silent.

“Otherwise I could’ve died,” I explain. “They didn’t have time to call you. That’s why I’m calling right now.”

Another long silence before mom eventually replies, “Are you okay?” Her voice sounds much softer and she doesn’t sound as annoyed anymore.

I nod to myself and tell her that I wouldn’t be calling if I didn’t feel good enough. “I’m awake, alive and well,” I reassure her. “No need to worry. Doctor Daiki says that I’ll probably be able to get out of bed and back to school again in about a week from now. That’s not such a long recovery time, right?”

I hear rustling on the other side of the line, so I guess mom nodded.

“But I have to go,” I tell her, even though I could stay on the phone for at least two more hours if I had to. “Nurse Danuja told me to rest as much as possible, so I promised I wouldn’t call that long, okay?”

“Yes, okay,” she replies, almost in whispers. “Be careful and recover quickly. And call me when you’re out of the medical building again, okay?”

“Promise,” I reply and after saying another “goodbye” I have to break the connection. And even though I’m not that tired and I don’t feel like sleeping, I pass out not much later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Haruka still doesn't know; is Makoto still even alive? or has he really lost the first person that he ever felt connected to?
> 
> About next chapter, I want to post it this Sunday, but since I'm going swimming with friends and have to go away pretty early in the morning, not knowing how late I'll be back home and if I'll remember needing to post, next chapter might appear on Monday morning instead.   
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter anyway!   
> Love, Noa <3


	25. Wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka doesn't no much; Is Makoto even still alive?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> See that? I made it!  
> I'm just back from swimming (it rained every once in a while, but was fun) and I didn't forget I needed to post today, so yay!  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, even if we already know the answer to the question above; I tried my best to make this chapter enjoyable so things can go loose after this one!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 25: Wonder

The next few days Makoto doesn’t show up to anything; not to breakfast, lessons, lunch, resting period or dinner. And when I go by his room he’s still not back.

This doesn’t surprise me, seeing what happened that evening.

The news about Makoto goes around quickly and I think everyone knows it by now. There are a million different versions about what happened circulating through the school.

Some people say Makoto choked very badly, while others are sure his heart stopped beating for a second or he had an epileptic episode. Some people even say that they are pretty sure Makoto died, but I don’t believe that since when I checked in his room all his stuff was still in there.

By the time I got outside that evening to see what was going on, all I could see was how two nurses I didn’t recognize carrying Makoto away on a stretcher. Makoto was shrieking and crying and the nurses were yelling things at each other while they ran through the hallways.

It was so terrible to see that; I cried the rest of the night and skipped everything except lunch the next day, just because I didn’t want to hear the rumors of what had happened.

But I couldn’t keep escaping everything by staying inside of my room and yesterday I went to my classes again. Rin and Makoto both were absent, but today Rin did show up to class and I didn’t have to be alone anymore.

And right now I’m sitting in the same spot as every Wednesday afternoon; at doctor Daiki’s office for my weekly checkup.

He’s examining me just like every week, but it doesn’t feel the same. Nothing has felt the same since I saw how they carried Makoto away.

I wonder if he snapped out of whatever was going on or that no one knows what happened because Makoto isn’t himself anymore. Just thinking about it scares me so much, all I can do is close my eyes and tell myself that it’s not true.

“Doctor Daiki.” I haven’t spoken a word to him except for “yes”, “no” and “kind of”, so when my voice sounds doctor Daiki looks pretty surprised.

“Yes?” he answers. “Is something wrong?”

I shake my head, but after a second I do nod after all, because my thoughts about Makoto are bothering me so much that I can’t concentrate on anything.

“It’s about Makoto,” I tell him, avoiding eye contact because I don’t want to look in his eyes when I prepare for the truth about Makoto. “Is he… uhm--.”

Doctor Daiki smiles kindly, his skin wrinkles at the edges of his eyes. “Makoto is doing just fine,” he reassures me. “There was just a minor inconvenience that evening, but he’s recovering right now.”

My heart makes a little jump, because that means Makoto’s not dead like some people suspected. He’s okay, recovering, and doctor Daiki doesn’t look too worried about him.

“He’ll probably start attempting school again in a few days,” he tells me. “So there’s no need to worry about him.”

I almost smile, but if Makoto’s recovering from something that means he probably has been in pain for at least a few days. I don’t want to know what happened, nor do I want to think about it, but I still ask doctor Daiki about what happened to Makoto when his med sensor started blaring.

“I think that’s for him to tell you,” doctor Daiki says. I must’ve winced or frowned, because he quickly adds, “I can’t tell you, because it’s private information, I’m sorry, Haruka.”

I nod, thanking him and get on my feet, because I’m done for today. I’m doing better with every examination, according to doctor Daiki. So I barely spend any time at his office today.

When I close the door behind me, I let a relieved sigh escape from my mouth. I think talking to doctor Daiki really helped me worry less. His words are as serious but calming as ever and if there’s no spark of worry in his eyes there’s nothing I have to worry about.

I’m glad, because for a moment I was terrified that I’d lost Makoto for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: 
> 
> "In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now..." Makoto's released from the medical ward, and he needs to talk to Haruka.


	26. In Case You Don't Live Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now..." Makoto's released from the medical ward, and he needs to talk to Haruka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> Previous chapter was short, so let me give you a second of the day again :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 26: In Case You Don’t Live Forever

The past days went by so slowly.

I didn’t expect that healing would take so long, or at least feel so long. I’ve only been spending my time in this hospital bed for about a week, and I’m already dying to go outside again and take a walk and chat with my friends.

And today the day has come, I’m allowed to attempt to classes again and see my friends and take longer walks than just these five steps I can take inside of this tiny room.

It’s already late in the afternoon when nurse Danuja comes in to tell me that I can move back into my own room again today. She says I’ll be allowed to do anything I did before, except for taking baths or showers. And I have to be careful of course, and keep resting a lot.

By the time that I get to my room, it’s already dark outside and it’s raining pretty badly. I turn on the light and sigh, my room’s a mess from when they had to carry me out. My bedding is on the floor and my med card has been pushed over, causing all of the pills to have spilled onto ground.

It’s a huge mess, which I’m going to have to clean up some time soon. But not right now, because I can’t look at the medication and the equipment filling up my room any longer.

Somewhere deep inside I’m raging, have been ever since I woke up in that terrible hospital bed next to a heart monitor and attached to an IV-drip. I’m furious at myself for believing that the pills are actually going to help.

I put so much effort in making up a system that would make sure that I didn’t forget to take my medication and I even made little books to keep remembering everyone I know.

But in the end, all it does is give me false hope; I’m never going to get better and I am going to forget, and be disabled and I will die in the not so far future.

I groan in anger and give the fallen med card a kick.

Spending that week in a bed with all of my thoughts and to one to keep me from thinking of them all day and night, it made me realize in how bad of a shape I am.

By only thinking of taking my medication, and only caring about not forgetting, I’m not even making memories worth remembering.

When that thought came to mind I remembered all the opportunities I have had to make new memories. I want to have something to remember, but I just told myself and everyone around me I couldn’t because of NPC.

I nod to myself while I turn around and storm out of my room. It’s not far to Haruka’s room, so I’m barely even picking up pace when I reach his door.

There’s the nametag, just like on every one of these doors, it has his name written on it in fat black letters and some other information about him in his own handwriting; small letters, he writes carefully and doesn’t push down the pen at all.

I knock once.

No reply.

Another knock, harder this time.

Still nothing.

I bite my lower lip, because this cannot wait. I can’t wait for Haruka to come back to his room and tell him then.

I lay my hand on the doorknob, it’ll open for me since we don’t have locks on our doors so nurses can barge in at any time without needing a key. But, still, I hesitate.

My thoughts have been bothering me for a week; I wanted, needed, to see Haruka. All I wanted was to apologize to him for turning his confession down so rudely.

I nod to myself and go inside, thinking maybe I catch him sleeping or maybe he’s calling someone and therefore he can’t answer me when I knocked on the door.

But the room is completely empty.

His bed is made, but his desk is a big mess; drawing supplies and notebooks are scattered around the wooden surface and there are marker stains all over it.

I walk inside, slowly looking at his room as I wander towards the open window.

It’s raining into his room, but that’s not my biggest concern. I wonder why his room looks this bare, not at all homey.

You would think that after being here for about a month Haruka would’ve decorated his room a little, but there’s not much personal stuff in here. There aren’t any posters on the walls, no pictures to be found and the only things that are a little more personal are his clothes, bedding and drawing supplies.

It kind of makes me sad, seeing how he acts like he’s adjusted to living here while his room shows the opposite.

I stand in front of the open window, rain blowing in my face as I try to shut the window so Haruka’s room won’t be all wet if he gets back from whatever he’s doing.

I gaps when I see someone standing on the field, they’re glaring at the sky. When I look closer I notice the blue hat and rather muscular figure.

It’s Haruka!

I smile and lay my hand on the scar the surgery left me and take a deep breath.

I need to talk to Haruka, now! I’ve been waiting for this moment for long enough and I have the change to tell him what I’ve been thinking about right now.

My feet start moving back to the door before I even realize what I’m doing. And quickly after I’m running through the hallways, ready to tell Haruka everything I’ve been dying to tell him for days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter  
> But for real... what is Makoto so eager to tell Haruka!?


	27. Would You Still Love Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Makoto dying to tell Haruka?

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 27: Would You Still Love Me?

The rain is pouring down, raindrops sliding down my cheeks.

Normally, I wouldn’t go outside when it’s pouring like this, but today doesn’t feel normal. T0day has been the first time I called my parents to let them know how I was doing and when they picked up it’s almost as if they forgot I existed.

I asked them if they wanted to come by on a Sunday afternoon, because they’re meant for family members to visit their child, but mom just told me that they couldn’t because of dad’s work.

It’s what I suspected they’d say, but it still hurt to hear that they just don’t care about the fact that I might never see them again if they don’t visit me once in a while.

I just broke the connection as soon as she told me “no” and went outside to get some fresh air and cool down. That’s why I’m standing in the middle of the big field in front of the boys’ dorms, with my face turned to the sky and eyes closed.

It’s starting to rain even harder and I barely hear someone’s footsteps coming closer and closer as I stand there.

“Haruka?” a voice asks, it sounds very familiar and not like a doctor, teacher or nurse that is going to ask me to go inside so I don’t catch a cold.

It sounds like Makoto.

I turn around and I see him standing there. His skin is pale, hair uncombed and wet and his eyes back to the brightest of bright green they used to be when I saw him last time. He’s wearing his pajamas, glasses and no jacket.

“Makoto,” I mumble, already running in his direction.

I only now realize how much I’ve missed him the past days. I missed his voice, his beautiful eyes and the way he closes them when he smiles.

He wraps his arms around me and I do the same.

His body is warm and I can feel his heart beating when my chest is pressed up against his just like now. I can also feel him breathing, and his hands are shaking as they rest on my back.

Makoto backs up pretty soon after he’s wrapped his arms around me, but I don’t want him to let go. I want to hug him longer.

But he’s stronger and when he backs up our eyes quickly meet. Hi lips are slightly parted when we stand there and his arms are still resting on my back even now he’s further away from me.

It’s just a split second, but his eyes shoot away and a blush appears on Makoto’s pale cheeks. He leans closer, slowly and carefully.

Before I can react, I feel it; his lips on mine.

They’re warm and wet and they vaguely taste like a mix of chocolate pudding and cherry medicine. And he’s kissing me carefully, just like he always chooses every word he says carefully before speaking.

His hands are pulling the fabric of my shirt and I catch myself pulling him closer. Our chests are touching again and his heart is racing, just like mine.

I don’t know for how long his lips are on mine, but when he backs up again I don’t want it to be over just yet. I pull him back in and give him another kiss before he can speak.

I don’t want to stop. I want this to last for forever.

Makoto’s hand pushes against my chest, but not like he actually wants me to back up. But eventually I do as he asks, because I don’t want him to get mad at me.

“Haruka,” he whispers, staring at his feet while he steps back. “I’m sorry that I didn’t… I’m sorry that I hurt you that day in the Ferris Wheel.”

I glance away, my cheeks getting warmer as I realize what he said. He’s acting so different from then.

“I didn’t want to give in to my feelings,” he explains, his voice getting a little louder with every word he speaks. “I didn’t think I could, because of my failing brain; I couldn’t risk hurting you.”

I swallow. I hope he’s not going to take back his kiss because of it, I don’t think I could handle it if he would do that.

“But I nearly died.” He pauses and I can hear him swallowing while he traces his middle with his hand. “And while I was recovering, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to see you again. I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”

A wind gust makes my hat fly in Makoto’s direction. He catches it and clenches the blue fabric in his fists, but he doesn’t give it back.

“I wanted to tell you that I love you too,” he admits. “So, if you don’t mind, if you can still love my even though I can die any moment or my brain and body will stop working someday soon, are you still able to love me back?”

I open my mouth, but I have no idea what to say or how to sound. I could let him hear my internal happiness, but I’m not the type to cheer and dance in victory, or I could carefully tell him “of course”.

But I stay silent.

“Say something!” Makoto yells, his voice is so much louder now and tears are running over his cheeks when he looks up at me. His eyes are sparkling and his cheeks are completely red. “Please, Haruka, say something.”

I stare at the ground, knowing there’s only one right answer.

“Yes,” I reply. “I would love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> A party to celebrate Makoto and Haruka getting together?   
> A good plan?
> 
> ...
> 
> Or just the worst?


	28. In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Throwing a party to celebrate Haruka and Makoto getting together?  
> A good idea?  
> ...  
> Or just the worst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> I know, this chapter might be a little later than usual (or earlier, I don't know how late I'll post)... this is because I'll be doing stuff all day and I'm pretty busy especially in the afternoon/evening (Dutch time) since I'm going somewhere with my best friend.   
> I'll post in between when I have time, this can be a little later or a little earlier than usual, though I'm not likely to post my normal posting time.   
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 28: In

“You’re what!?” Nagisa’s voice echoes through the woods.

Haruka and I waited until resting period to tell them about us two trying out “dating” – not that we’re really able to go on dates, but that’s how we call it for now.

Three pair of shocked eyes is focussed on us as we hold hands, both blushing. Haruka let me tell them, because he didn’t really know how to put it in words. So, I did as he asked me, and they all are acting more surprised than they actually are, probably.

Even though Rin’s not acting as enthusiastic as Nagisa and Rei, he’s still staring at us in disbelief. Rei on the other hand is look at us as if he’s using us for some kind of study on men in love and Nagisa is just as over the top as always.

“We should celebrate it!” Nagisa suggests, nudging Rei and grinning. “Remember, Rei, how we celebrated it when we just got together?”

Rei smiles nodding.

I wasn’t here when they got together, nor was I when Rin and Sousuke just started dating, so I’m curious to what they did to celebrate it. I bet it was something way too over the top, since it’s probably Nagisa’s idea.

“Yeah.” Rei shortly closes his eyes, deep in thought. “I still think we maybe shouldn’t have done that though.”

A slight blush appears on Rei’s cheeks and Nagisa just grins like what they did was running through the hallways without clothes or something.

“What did you do?” I ask, chuckling because my ideas are weird, but Nagisa’s also weird enough to get Rei to do whatever strange ideas he has.

Nagisa smiles in my direction and his cheeks turn slightly red. “Well,” he begins, giving Rei a quick glance. “We kind of snuck into the kitchen, since Rei said they always have extra ingredients and we wanted to bake a cake to celebrate it.”

Rei nods, meaning they actually broke the rules just like that and they probably got caught seeing his reaction when Nagisa reminded him of it.

“Yeah, they got so mad with us when they found us there,” Rei tells us. “We got in so much trouble, weren’t allowed to go to the activity that week and we had to stay in the cafeteria longer after every meal to clean off every table and chair to make up for it.”

“The cake was delicious though.” Nagisa laughs and I can’t help but chuckle along even though it was really dumb of them to do such careless thing. But still, you’d think Nagisa would be able to come up with something that’d get them in even more trouble.

“But, anyway.” Nagisa turns back to Haruka and me. “We should hold a little party for you two too! I mean, I’m completely banned from Rei’s room so we can’t do it in there, but we go do it in the cafeteria.”

His gestures are big as he explains how we should sneak into the cafeteria at night and hang up balloons and dance on tables.

Haruka’s hand squeezes mine lightly and I know he doesn’t want to do something that will get us in trouble no matter what, and neither do I.

“Nagisa,” I interrupt Nagisa.

He looks at us and I shake my head.

“Why not?” he asks, sounding as if he can start to cry and beg me with his big puppy eyes any moment. “It’ll be so much fun!”

I glance at Haruka and when his blue eyes meet mine, I notice him begging me to agree with him on “no way” without even opening his mouth or making a sound.

“No, it’ll bring us into so much trouble,” I tell Nagisa, he starts pouting. “It’s not worth it to go through the trouble to making a plan to sneak into the cafeteria if it’ll only bring us more trouble than fun, you know?”

Nagisa turns to Rei and begs him to help him out. Unfortunately Rei listens and he’s much better at negotiating than Nagisa.

“What if,” he starts, but first he readjusts his glasses like a professional. “We party in the woods after lights out this evening.” He pauses, giving me just enough time to think over everything that could and couldn’t go wrong.

There’s not much that could go wrong, because nurses never check your room twice during one night except for emergencies and they won’t go look outside if no one’s missing from their rooms when they do check. So if we’re to leave after they check on us, we should be okay.

But that doesn’t mean that it won’t get us into a lot of trouble when something were to go wrong. Someone could get hurt, or they could catch one of us sneaking out.

And there’s another huge problem; they close most doors after lights out and there’s no way we can get outside through one of the windows since they’re only open on a little crack to let in some fresh air.

“It’s nearby, so if something’s so happen we’ll be back in to time and there’s a lot of space to hide when a nurse comes outside. There’s no way they can find us out there if we don’t want them to find us.” Rei explains. “I am almost one hundred percent sure they leave the backdoor open for emergencies and there’s no alarm on it, so we can sneak out through that door with ease.”

Rei’s giving me a hard time, because he’s right and I can’t make anyone belief that he isn’t. So when he’s done talking and asks, “So, what do you think?” I have no idea what to answer.

I still don’t like the thought of sneaking outside and breaking every possible rule, but I have no excuses left. I glance at Haruka, who also seems rather flabbergasted because of Rei’s speech, and after that my gaze moves to Rin. He’s half asleep against the tree, I doubt he even really listened to what Rei was saying.

“What about Rin?” I ask, Rin’s eyes shoot open as soon as I say his name. “He hasn’t been feeling great.” I turn to Rin. “Have you?”

Rin opens his mouth, not sure what to say, so I continue saying, “We don’t want him to catch a cold by staying outside for too long, or something like that. He should get enough rest and not be partying outside while he could be sleeping.”

“No, no, Makoto,” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands and smiling like he’s not been taking a lot of sick days off lately. “I’m okay, really.”

I swallow; I don’t know what else to say to not do this.

“Well, that settles it!” Nagisa says with a huge grin. “Tonight after you’re checked on, go outside through the back. We’ll gather in this spot.” He pauses, looking around the circle we’re sitting in. “And celebrate!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:   
> Does the perfectness of the party last?


	29. Perfect Doesn't Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sneaking out at night to throw a party in the woods.  
> A fun idea, but is it really as save as it's believed to be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!  
> This is officially the chapter where I decided to let my mind take over fully in the most wholesome and the most fucked up way; this is the part of the story I'm the proudest of, the last 10 chapters :)  
> I hope you'll enjoy reading this, because I sure had a blast writing it!!!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 29: Perfect Doesn’t Last

That night I sneak out through the emergency door as promised.

I noticed that Makoto still wasn’t completely agreeing, even when we said our temporarily goodbye when we went to our rooms about an hour ago. I hope he’s still going to show up, because I don’t want to sneak out and maybe get in trouble if he won’t even be there.

I’m walking over the field, towards the forest. We do this every afternoon, but the outsides look different in the dark; much wider and even a little creepy.

It sucks that we can’t walk with more people at a time if we don’t want to get caught by the nurses, because otherwise I’d demanded to walk with Makoto. I don’t want him to forget what we’re doing tonight and get lost, but I probably just shouldn’t worry so much.

By the time I reach our usual hangout spot, I’m already exhausted of walking there and I immediately drop down with my back against one of the trees. I’m catching my breathe, clenching my stomach as I hear rustling of leafs.

I look up and stare straight into the two deep, bright green eyes I know in and out.

It’s Makoto, and he’s looking a little scared as he sits down beside me and gives me a tight hug.

“That was terrifying,” he whispers in my ear and his grip tightens. “I was so scared I was going to run into something or someone.”

I want to chuckle, because somewhere deep inside I had the feeling that Makoto was going to get scared no matter what – he’s a scaredy cat – but I decide not to, since I don’t want to sound mean.

Makoto and I just sit beside each other for a moment, Makoto keeps talking about how afraid he’s for ghosts and things like that and how those are known for being nearby in the dark and I try to find the words to tell him that ghosts don’t exists.

Not much later Rei and Nagisa also appear. They’ve brought things like food, I don’t know where they got that from, and a lot of water bottles and water guns.

“I had some water guns lying in my room,” Nagisa tells us as he sits down. “I thought we could have some fun with them.”

Makoto and I glance at each other and Makoto chuckles, as if we’re thinking the exact same.

“Nagisa, why do you casually own five water guns?” Makoto asks, so apparently we were thinking the same. I fold my hand in from of my mouth and look away while I try to hold back a giggle, which does kind of work but not completely and a short hiccup like laugh leaves my mouth.

“Well, who cares?” Nagisa cheerfully answers, avoiding the question in a smart but casual way. He throws one of the water guns at Makoto, who fails to catch it, and one at me, I manage to catch it though.

Rei also holds one of the water guns and seeing his wet hair Nagisa’s already soaked him on the way here.

“Come at me, but know you can’t win!” Nagisa says, getting on his feet and pointing his water gun at Makoto and me. He’s ready to shoot, but confusion appears on his face when Makoto puts his hands in the air and says, “Wait!”

Nagisa lowers his gun, he slightly tilts his head as he frowns at Makoto. “Why?”

Makoto glances around the place we’re sitting, in the end his eyes meet mine for a second before he turns back to Nagisa. “Shouldn’t we wait for Rin to arrive?”

Nagisa and Rei look at each other, Nagisa looks rather disappointed but Rei grins like he does every time he has a good solution for something. It’s a grin I’ve seen many times, because he really seems to be the only one who comes up with smart solutions, contrary to Nagisa who cannot come up with anything smart at all.

“We shouldn’t worry about Rin too much,” Rei tells us. “He’s probably going to be late no matter what, because he looked very tired this afternoon. If he will show up, I’ll stay here anyway, nothing’s able to happen.”

Nagisa looks at us, smiling proudly because of his boyfriends ideas. He points the gun at Makoto again and grins wide.

Makoto shoots me a quick glance and takes his water gun in his hands as well. He looks back at Nagisa and says, “Okay, in that case.” He gets on his feet as quick as possible and takes a step in Nagisa’s direction. “Prepare to lose!”

Makoto shoots, Nagisa squeaks in fear and runs away.

At first I watch as they try to get each other as soaked as possible, from a distance, but not long after I get on my feet as well and join them.

Running hurts and I haven’t run in a while, but it feels great to feel free again. I’ve taken off my shoes, just like Nagisa and Makoto, and the slightly damp grass feels amazing when it tickles in between my toes.

Nagisa’s shrieking is loud and high pitched and he does it every time either one of us two shoots at him, but he somehow manages to not get wet that quickly; he’s small and good at dodging.

Makoto’s a larger target, but he’s even harder to soak with the freezing water. When I finally manage to wet him, he immediately returns the favor by splashing me until all layers of clothes I’m wearing are soaked.

I’ve missed the water, so it’s nice to feel the cold liquid on my skin again. Instead of being mad with Makoto for shooting at me with all of his gun’s content, I’m about to thank him when Nagisa suddenly shrieks.

None of us have our water guns pointed at him, and Rei’s watching from afar and therefore unable to hit Nagisa from that distance. I meet Makoto’s gaze and he shrugs, also wondering why Nagisa’s screaming.

I turn to where the sound was coming from and see that Nagisa’s sitting on the ground, he’s bending over something. He’s too far away for me to see what is going on. Part of me thinks he’s just slipped on the wet grass, but he doesn’t get up.

Makoto’s hand wraps around mine and we start walking in Nagisa’s direction to see what’s going on.

Rei’s already joined Nagisa and I watch as he folds his hand in front of his mouth. As we get closer and we see what’s going on, Makoto’s grip tightens until his hand suddenly lets go, followed by a loud sob.

My hand falls back, bumping against my hip, as I watch the area lit by a flashlight. There’s a pale body lying in the damp grass, it’s hard to see colors in this light, but I immediately see its long maroon hair.

I fold my hand in front of my mouth as the world seems to start spinning.

“Please, god, no!” Makoto’s voice sounds, high-pitched and trembling. The thumb of his knees hitting the muddy ground followed by an even louder sob than before. He warps himself over Rin’s body and cries. “Rin!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Rin is running out of air, will he survive?
> 
> * * *
> 
> You will find out on Sunday (23-08-2020), One day before my 17th birthday :)


	30. Running Out of Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin is running out of air... but will he survive this?

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 30: Running Out Of Air

“Oh, god, no!” I scream as I feel how my body gets pulled down to the floor and I land on my knees with full force. I can’t get myself to stand upright, not with all that pain dragging me to the ground.

“Rin!” I cry, loud and painful screams leave my mouth as I bend over Rin’s pale body. His face and the scarf he’s wearing are both covered in blood smudges, drool and other slimy substances and mud, making Rin look like he’s also fallen in the mud face-first.

I don’t know if he’s breathing, I wouldn’t know how to tell.

“Why didn’t his med sensor go off?” Nagisa asks in between soft cries.

_His med sensor!_ I reach for his wrist, the light on the med sensor should be able to tell me if Rin’s still with us. But there isn’t a light, just a turned off little lamp on the side of an useless wristband.

“Damn it,” Rei mumbles. “He turned off his med sensor.”

I drop Rin’s hand onto the floor, gasping, I can’t believe he actually did that. We made a deal not to turn off our med sensors if nobody else was close.

_We could’ve…_ I stumble back, away from Rin until I can’t see the blood smudges anymore. _If his med sensor had gone off, we would’ve known… we could’ve helped._

“Check his pulse,” Rei demands, and Haruka’s the quickest to response. “And see if he’s breathing. Quickly!”

I watch from a distance, tears rolling over my cheeks, as Haruka holds his ear above Rin’s mouth and glares at his chest. I don’t want to know the answer, because what if he’s not breathing, what if he’s…

“He’s breathing,” Haruka mumbles, looking up at Rei. “But barely.”

Everything around me gets hazy and sounds get fuzzy. I can see people’s mouths moving, but I don’t hear any sentences at all, just fuzzy murmurs.

Rei must’ve said something, because Nagisa starts running towards the medical building as quick as he can. And Haruka starts giving Rin rescue breaths and chest compressions in the meantime.

I want to help, but I can’t do anything. I can’t even get myself to move closer, I’m glued to the floor, struck by fear.

My world starts to tilt and turn. I hear a thud and my vision goes black for just a second, or so it appears.

I must’ve been out for longer, because by the time I open my eyes again there’s a nurse arched over me. Her lips are moving rapidly and her hair flies around her head as she quickly turns around to look behind herself.

“Hey, hey!” Her voice is blurry and I can barely hear her, that’s how far away she sounds. She helps me sit upright, which makes me feel a little dizzy.

Her freezing hands rest on my cheeks and her eyes stare straight into mine. “Are you with me?”

“Yeah,” I say, at least I think I said it out loud. I wince when a painful sting shoots through my brain, making the entire world fade away for a short moment.

Her hand pats me on the cheeks and she asks, “Do you know who you are? Where you are?”

“Makoto Tachibana,” I reply without thinking about it. But I don’t answer the other question, I just stare at her in disbelief, this can’t be her biggest concern right now.

After everything that happened, she can’t be serious that she’s worrying about me.

He was in so much pain, barely breathing. But what happened after?

What happened to… “Rin,” I mumble and the nurse’s eyes glare into mine as if she’s trying to force me not to look behind her.

But I look away, pushing her aside, because I have to know that Rin’s alright. I have to make sure that he’s okay, breathing and with a beating heart inside his chest. So I push her away as hard as I can.

Tears start to well up and I feel a scream in the back of my throat, but it won’t come.

Two nurses, they’re both warped over Rin’s body. And they’re yelling things, but I can’t understand what they’re saying. Rin’s body makes spastic movements right after the nurses yell something.

Haruka, Rei and Nagisa are watching as well, Nagisa’s hugging Rei tightly and I can hear both of them sobbing. Haruka’s standing there as well, looking down at Rin. My eyes shoot back at Rin when Haruka’s mouth suddenly falls open.

Rin’s turned onto his side now, facing me. Mucus drips from his mouth onto the grass while he coughs.

His eyes open for a second, meeting mine before closing again.

“He’s with us again!” one of the nurses yells and I’m pretty sure my heart just stopped for a moment before a cry of happiness escapes from my mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!  
> So, this was an extremely short chapter... and it's my birthday tomorrow... maybe strange but as a gift from me to you I'll give you a second chapter to read today :)  
> Will you be sweet enough to leave me a comment with what you think of my story so far and what you hope will happen? As a gift to me???
> 
> Love, Noa <3
> 
> ______________________________
> 
> Next Chapter:   
> A lifesaving attempt worked out right, but that doesn't mean it didn't have a huge impact on Haruka...


	31. Terrible Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lifesaving attempt worked out right, but that doesn't mean it didn't have a huge impact on Haruka...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second Chapter of today! Here we go!

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 31: Terrible Things

My entire body feels clammy as I lay in bed, wide awake because of everything that has happened this night.

I can still feel the pressure I put on Rin’s chest shooting through my muscles. I’ve never fought for someone else’s live before, and I hope I’ll never have to do that again. Never.

We got in trouble, one of the nurses has been shouting at us for one hour straight before telling us to go to bed and get the rest we should’ve gotten hours ago. We could’ve gotten in more trouble though; we also saved Rin’s life, they decided not to send us off the school like they could’ve, but they just gave us some chores to do for the next month to punish us.

Rin survived, just barely according to the nurse who walked into my room ten minutes ago to let me know that he survived. Nothing was sure by the time that we were sent to our rooms, but now there’s certainty that Rin’s heart is beating again.

The nurse I didn’t know told me that Rin choked on his own saliva, probably during a coughing fit, and the thick mucus blocked his windpipe so badly they had to perform emergency treatment to make sure he could breathe easily again.

He also suffers from a few broken ribs, probably because of my rough CPR.

He hasn’t woken up yet, and the nurse told me that they weren’t sure it’s going to happen. He’s in a pretty bad state and they’re pretty sure he’s slipping into a coma.

Of course I’m not thrilled to hear that he’s not doing great, but I wasn’t expecting that after what happened. I’m just glad he’s alive.

Still, even after hearing the news I can’t sleep at all.

My bedding feels heavier than usual, and the dialysis sounds louder. Maybe it’s just my imagination, or the fact that I nearly saw someone die a few hours ago.

 _How’ll Makoto be doing now?_ I wonder as I turn onto my side, with my back facing the Dialysis. It isn’t a hard question, honestly, because I know Makoto’s not doing okay. But at least he’s resting.

Makoto’s sleeping, I’m sure, because they had to give him a shot of something that should make him calm down. He fainted twice this evening and suddenly started hyperventilating when we were walking back to the dorms.

He didn’t have an episode, fortunately, because I think none of us would’ve been able to handle that after what happened.

They gave him the shot directly after he started hyperventilating and nearly fainted for the third time in one evening, and he started acting a little as if he was drunk; talking nonsense at a slow pace, he also bumped into me a few times without even properly noticing himself before he got too tired to even stand on his feet.

The nurse told us to just go to bed, she’d bring Makoto to his room so he could sleep everything off. But I don’t believe he’s just going to be able to sleep everything off in one night; he almost saw one of his best friends die.

I don’t think Makoto will be the same person tomorrow, because of what he saw, and that scares me. It’ll probably take him a few days before he’ll be the Makoto we all know and love, and the same goes for all of us.

Nagisa and Rei know Rin for a long time, longer than Makoto, and they also had to see that happen. They’ll also have to recover from it, Rei more than Nagisa; Nagisa didn’t have to watch me performing CPR on Rin, which must’ve looked horrible.

I didn’t see much of what was going on with Rin, I was too busy making sure that he didn’t die. But most of all I was making sure that Makoto didn’t have to see Rin dying. I don’t know if that’s selfish, only trying to save someone for Makoto’s health.

Or maybe some part of me was really doing it because I wanted Rin, a new friend whom felt more close than any of the friend I have had before, to survive. To live, at least for one more day.

I don’t really know, to be honest. Because my thoughts have been a little shaken ever since I got back to my room. I couldn’t even get myself to put on my t-shirt the right way, I now realize as the label is scratching my chest.

Sighing, I turn back onto my back, glaring at the cracked open window.

It’s almost morning already, I can see the sun coming up. It’s cloudy outside, I’m almost sure it’s going to rain; the great weather for things like this to happen, almost as if the sky is weeping for us. With us.

But maybe if the sun were to come out, and shine bright and Rin will wake up and get better soon, we can all act like nothing happened. Like nothing will ever happen again. That way we could all be alright again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> This is literally the worst day of Makoto's life... WHY!


	32. Worst Day Of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the worst day of Makoto's entire life... WHYYYY!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> Like I said in previous chapters' authorsnotes, I loved writing from this point! Everything went to easy and so smooth, and I just hope you like it as much as I did when writing it :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 32: Worst Day Of My Life

Memories.

That’s one thing I have, vivid memories of yesterday evening. Or as clear as they can get; some of them complete and some of them a little blurry or only sounds without imagery.

I remember Rin lying on his back in the grass, mud and blood spread over his entire face. I’m sure they had to throw his scarf away, because it was bloody and muddy as well.

I can still see his eyes looking at me when he gained conscious again, but just for a second. He looked tired and I’m not even sure he saw me, because it was like he looked straight through me. And he when he slipped away again, his eyes turned away and his eyelids closed him off from the world again.

I must’ve pasted out after they carried Rin away, because I don’t remember anything that happened in between them rushing him to the medical building and me waking up in my room at nine in the morning.

I missed breakfast, slept through it, and I can feel that. My stomach is hurting, but it could also be the nerves. I don’t feel hungry at all, kind of nauseated if you’d ask me, but my stomach keeps growling.

My world spins for a few seconds while I get out of bed and slide into my fluffy slippers. I don’t remember putting them beside my bed so I could slide right into them when I wake up, because they normally lay somewhere on the other side of the room. And I have no idea when I put on my pajamas and neatly laid my glasses on my nightstand instead of just falling asleep in my normal clothes and with my glasses still on my face like usually when I’ve had a tiring evening.

And yesterday night was a tiring evening if I’ve ever heard of one.

I get on my feet, because Rin’s the main thing I’m thinking about. It’s taking up most of my thoughts and all I can do is get up on my feet and walk out of my room and take the first turn to the left.

All the way through my hallway, down the stairs and over the field is the quickest way to the medical building, and I’m positive that’s where they’ll be keeping Rin for the moment. I don’t walk past the breakfast hall to ask if I can get a little food since I missed breakfast this morning, but instead I take a straight turn to the medical building where to open doors welcome me.

It smells the same as always, like antibiotics and disinfectants, but it’s mixed with the scent of rain coming from outside. It’s pouring and I’m completely soaked, even though I only walked a little while to get from the boys’ dorms to the medical building.

There aren’t many rooms I have to talk past before I find Rin’s full name written on the nametag on one of the doors. It’s one of the only hospital rooms that are actually taken, because most people aren’t that sick that they have to spend time in a hospital room. It’s only when you’re not able to care for yourself and therefore need around the clock care that you have to spend all your time in a hospital bed away from your friends.

I breathe in slowly until I’ve filled my lungs up with air, trying to find the courage to go inside. I don’t know how many people are inside, or how Rin will be doing right now, but if he has a hospital room of his own it means he’s still alive. Which means I have to see him.

I lay my hand on the doorknob when I hear a voice talking. It’s a familiar voice, doctor Daiki’s to be more specific, and he’s explaining things about Rin’s state.

“Rin was suffering from a rather hard to treat lung infection before the incident,” he tells someone, probably Rin’s mother. “It worsened after Makoto kicked him against the chest a while ago.”

I gasp; _I didn’t… I mean, I couldn’t have kicked Rin._

I don’t remember doing something like that, and I know I would never kick Rin in the chest knowing how badly that could affect him lungs. It could kill him if I kicked him too hard, so I know better than just kicking him.

My world starts spinning and doctor Daiki’s voice seems to be getting further way, almost a zoom like a buzzing bee in the back of my head.

My hand tightens around the doorknob and I feel like kicking the door. But I shouldn’t kick anything at all, because if I do that bad things will happen, that much I know now after what happened to Rin.

I let out an anger groan and without thinking I storm into the room. The air inside feels heavy, or maybe it’s just my imagination.

“Are you saying this is all my fault?” I yell as I take a step further into the room.

I glare into doctor Daiki’s shocked eyes first, he’s staring back at me with confusement written all over his face. My gaze moves past the filled room, there are many people here to visit Rin; his mother and younger sister, who I recognize from the pictures in Rin’s room.

There’s another familiar face staring at me in confusement; Sousuke came too. Of course he came all the way here to see Rin, he’s his boyfriend. His hand is wrapped tightly around Rin’s and when he hears me barging inside he looks up at me.

His eyes meet mine for a split second, but I immediately look away, because I’m sure he’s furious with me for kicking Rin so hard that I nearly send him to the grave. No matter how good of a friendship we might’ve had in the time we spend here together, he’ll probably never be able forgive me for almost killing Rin.

But it’s when my gaze meets Rin’s sleeping body that all the calm I still had somewhere deep in me leaves my body completely.

Rin looks terrible, maybe even worse than last night. He’s no pale, it’s almost as if I’m staring at a corpse, and for a moment I’m even sure that I might’ve just walked into the morgue instead of a hospital room. The only thing that keeps me from thinking that Rin’s actually a corpse is the heart monitor, reassuring me that his heart’s still beating.

And he’s breathing, there’s no way he isn’t, because there’s a tube literally entering his windpipe through a painful-looking gap in his neck. I almost throw up when I see the large filter connected to a thick tube moving into Rin’s windpipe, knowing Rin won’t ever forgive me for hurting him so badly that he had to undergo this kind of surgery.

A hand on my shoulder startles me and I immediately turn around to see who’s squeezing my shoulder lightly. It’s doctor Daiki, and his eyes are as calm-looking as always. It makes me mad, because there’s no need to be calm or smile at me like nothing’s going on.

“Makoto,” he says, in an even calmer voice. “Trust me when I say that none of this is your fault.” He pauses, I knock his hand off my shoulder in anger. “It’s okay. Just calm down and let me explain what happened, okay?”

I stumble back and shake my head, the back of my leg hits the bed of Rin pretty bad it causes the bed to shake and Rin lets out a quiet, hoarse cough.

_All I can do is make things worse!_ I tell myself and I feel how I start to cry. _I can’t do anything right! Nothing at all!_

I press myself past doctor Daiki, pushing him over in my way out of the room. As soon as I step out of the room I start running as hard as I can.

_All I can is making mistakes!_

I run over the field, towards the forest.

_I just stood by and watched when Rin nearly died!_

I reach the forest and even though I’m out of breath I keep running.

_I can’t remember anything!_

I trip over something, falling to the ground and scraping my knees. I sit on the ground, covered in mud and unable to get my body to stand back up again.

I look up at the sky and a sob escapes from my mouth as I yell, “I’m a mistake!”

I hit the tree standing closest to me until my knuckles are bleeding.

“I should’ve never been born!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:   
> A med sensor's going off in the woods while Haruka's on his way to visit Rin... SHIT!


	33. Hold On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On his way to visit Rin Haruka hears a med sensor in the woods... SHIT!

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 33: Hold On

I’m walking to the medical building first thing in the morning.

I fell asleep around six in the morning and slept for three more hours before waking up to footsteps in the hallway.

I didn’t go to breakfast, because I wasn’t feeling hungry at all. Instead I washed my face in the sink and threw on some clean clothes before heading over to the medical building.

I have no idea if they’ll let me inside of Rin’s room right now, but I’d like to at least try to visit him. Even if it’s just so I can tell Makoto how Rin’s doing without him having to see Rin in such a bad state.

I know Makoto won’t be able to handle that, and I don’t want him to freak out.

I’m only halfway the field when I hear a loud sensor beeping. It’s a haunting sound and my mind immediately gets thrown back to yesterday.

Even though there weren’t any med sensor sounds there, I can’t do anything except remember how I had to give mouth to mouth to Rin and how I felt his not moving chest under the palms of my hands.

The deafening noise is quickly followed by a nurse running over the field. She’s running towards the forest, on the foot followed by doctor Daiki.

They stop running at the edge of the woods and I suddenly hear doctor Daiki’s loud voice yelling Makoto’s name.

It’s like my world stops for a second when the nauseating thought hits me. Because this isn’t some random person’s med sensor going off, it’s Makoto’s!

It takes me a moment to realize it, but not long, and I start running in the direction of doctor Daiki and the nurse.

“What’s going on?” I mumble, just barely loud enough that they can hear me.

The nurse turns to me, but looks away immediately after.

“Haruka,” she says, glaring at some kind of device that should show them where Makoto is, but it doesn’t show anything at all. “I don’t have time for this now.”

She turns away and screams Makoto’s name as loud as she can, afterwards mumbling, “Damn it, why have you gone so far into the woods?”

I glare at my feet, feeling how my heart races and my body trembles. I should be able to figure out where Makoto’s ran to, because we’re in the woods many times.

I gasp when I finally think of a place where he could be.

“Our hangout spot,” I mumble and I start running the direction.

“Wait, Haruka!” the nurse’s voice sounds behind me. “Not you too!”

I don’t turn around but make it clear that she should follow me by telling her that I might have an idea where Makoto is.

My feet make the leafs crunch and mud splatters onto my sweatpants up to knee high. The wind is cold and rain is hitting my face with a lot of force. It hurts whenever a raindrop hits my eyeballs, but I keep my eyes open anyway.

I’m glad I kept looking and I didn’t even blink while I was running when I spot the orange color of Makoto’s shirt in the distance.

I start running even harder, hearing the wheezing of the nurse behind me as she tries to keep up with me.

I slip on some mud.

I don’t have time to get up, so I crawl through the mud to get to Makoto. He’s also covered in mud and his hands and knees are bleeding. He’s shaking, spasms moving through his body as he lies in the muddy forest ground.

I bend over him, taking his shoulders in my hands. His eyes are closed and he doesn’t really react when I call his name, he just trembles and shakes in my arms.

_What should I do?_

My heart is racing and I don’t know what I should do. I don’t have the slightest idea, so all I can do is sit here and hold Makoto’s shaking body.

“Daiki!” the nurse’s voice sounds, followed by other footsteps. “Makoto’s here, he’s having an epileptic seizure!”

The words enter my mind, and all I can think of is if Makoto’s going to get out of this seizure, if he’s going to be the same again, but most of all if he’s going to survive.

I tighten my grip around Makoto’s shoulders and glare at his closed eyes whispering, “Makoto, please.” But hallway my sentence I get pulled away from Makoto. The nurse holds me tightly, while doctor Daiki bends over Makoto. I try to get loose of the nurse’s grip, but she’s strong and I’m exhausted.

All I can do is watch doctor Daiki do something to Makoto without being able to help, or keep him from doing whatever he’s doing; what if he’s trying to get Makoto out of his misery and he’ll just give him a shot that’ll finish him for good.

“No! Makoto!” I shriek, trying to force me out of the nurse’s arms again.

I feel a hard sting in my arm, making my world spin and my hearing fuzzy.

I try to pull myself from the nurse’s arms again, but I’m too weak. Too tired.

“Promise me, Makoto!” I yell. “Promise me you’ll live!”

I feel a sour taste coming up from my stomach, followed by a barfing sound.

And next there’s silence… and complete darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:   
> What happened?  
> Where is Haruka?  
> ...  
> And what happened to Makoto!?


	34. Losing Your Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Makoto?   
> And where is he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> New chapter, and for me a new day at a new school... This chapter might be a little later, I don't know yet, because I'm not sure I'll remember to post it after a stressful day... Today starts for me with taking some blood at the GP and afterwards I'll be heading to the city to meet my new class of my new study.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and just for the ones that don't read whose POV this is, it's Haru's!  
> THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!
> 
> Love, Noa<3

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 34: Losing Your Memory

I hear groaning.

My throat feels like sanding paper and my head stings. It takes a while before I‘m able to open my eyes, but when I do I see the white walls of a hospital room.

There’s no one else in there, which means the groan was mine which explains why my throat started hurting so much when I heard that sound.

I try to sit upright, but I immediately have to lie back down because my head hurts too much.

_What am I even doing here?_ I wonder while I stare at the ceiling. I don’t remember getting here, or why I even went here in the first place. Maybe I passed out on my way to the medical building to visit Rin? I don’t know for sure.

I close my eyes for a second, that’s when all the memories come flooding back to me; Makoto having an epileptic seizure, the way he was shaking and unconscious. I got pulled away by someone and doctor Daiki did something to Makoto, but what happened afterwards? Where is Makoto now?

_I have to find Makoto!_ I tell myself. _Now!_

I shoot upright, wincing when my brain feels like it’s on fire. But I get out of the bed anyway, because I have to know that Makoto’s okay. I have to make sure he’s feeling alright.

I wander through the hallways, half leaning against the walls as I sway a little, until I see Makoto’s name written on one of the doors. There’s a small window in the door, but I don’t even bother to see if I have the right room before walking inside.

I take a quick look around the room, a bigger and more luxury room than the one I woke up in, before my gaze meets Makoto.

Makoto’s sitting upright in his bed, or at least as upright as possible, and he’s staring at the wall on the other side of the room. He’s focussed on the white wall, but for some reason it’s almost as if he’s not actually seeing it, lost in thought.

“Makoto?” I say his name, hoping he’ll hear me. “H-how are you?” I add when he doesn’t reply in some way possible, because part of me hope he will reply when I say more than just his name.

He has a reaction, just a small one, turning his head until his eyes are glaring at me. They seem a duller green than normally, as if someone took the light from them. Actually everything about him looks less lively than usual; his skin is paler, his hear messier and his body almost collapsed against the pillow it’s leaning onto.

I force a smile when his eyes meet mine and I walk a little further into the room until I’m standing next to his bed. His gaze follows me around as I move.

“Hey,” I mumble, without getting a reply. “Are you, uhm, okay?”

Makoto glares at me with big, confused eyes, almost as if he doesn’t really know what to answer. But then his mouth opens, and I lean closer because I need to hear him saying that he’s alright.

But he doesn’t say anything, he just stares at me with open mouth until drool starts dripping down from the corners of his mouth.

I take a step back, in fear I guess, and almost bump into the wall behind me.

My eyes are fixated on Makoto, and I catch myself searching for the parts of him that look the same as they did before. I can’t find anything except for just feeling that it is him, he has the same externalities, but that’s all.

He doesn’t move like the Makoto I know, he doesn’t act the same for sure. I can barely recognize him now that I’m taking a good look at him; his eyes are droopier than usual and with his mouth opened like this, drooling all over himself like an infant, I’m almost sure that some part of me is terrified of him.

The sound of an opening door startles me and I bump into the wall for the second time. When I turn towards the, now opened, door I see doctor Daiki.

He’s staring at me from behind his glasses, confusement and stress written all over his face when he curses under his breath. “What are you doing here, Haruka?” he asks after he’s taking time to take note of the situation.

I take another glance behind me, at the unrecognizable Makoto, and immediately regret my choice when a chill moves past my spine.

“What have you done to Makoto?” I ask, completely ignoring his question.

Doctor Daiki did this, he gave Makoto some kind of medication that makes him act this way and only he knows the antidote, that must be the case. There better be an antidote, there must be, I won’t accept Makoto living like this… this shell of nothingness.

“Haruka,” doctor Daiki calmly says, trying to put his hand on my shoulder. I pull away instead, because I don’t want him to tell me calming words, I want him to explain what happened and how to fix this.

I pounce with my fist onto the wall, it makes a deafening noise and I hear a short gasp coming from the bed behind me. “Tell me what happened to my boyfriend!” I scream as loud as possible, so loud that my throat hurts immediately after.

Doctor Daiki shows a short moment of fear before returning to his calm face. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay, I’ll tell you.” He pauses, walking towards the door. “But not in here, so come to the hallway, please.”

I follow him to the hallway, even though I’d like to stay beside Makoto as long as possible. I want to hold his hand or kiss him, anything that might help him get well again, but part of me knows that that’s not how it’s going to work.

When we’re both in the hallway doctor Daiki closes the door behind us, leaving Makoto all alone in that depressing hospital room.

“Well,” doctor Daiki mumbles, glancing away like for the first time in his life he doesn’t know what to say. He looks back at me, but just like me avoids making eye contact when he says, “Makoto had an epileptic seizure.” He pauses, clearing his throat. “We think the seizure might’ve triggered something in his brain that made him have another episode.”

I look down at my feet, bare and a little purple from the cold, and feel how all the puzzle pieces start to fit together; of course this had nothing to do with what doctor Daiki gave Makoto, if he even gave him something to begin with, but it’s a reaction of the body to the seizure. This must mean that he’ll get out of it within an hour or so, just like every other time he had an episode.

“But,” doctor Daiki continues. “It seems worse than usual. He hasn’t showed any signs of recognizing anyone or anything, I don’t think he’s even aware of where and who he is if I’m being completely honest.” He sighs, sad and empathetic. “He hasn’t spoken yet either, so we can’t test if he knows these things yet.”

I look up at him, waiting for the part where he’s going to tell me that it’s going to be alright like he always does, but he doesn’t. He just sighs another time, closing his eyes as he rubs his eyes from under his glasses. “I’m sorry, Haruka,” he mumbles. “But I’m not sure if Makoto’s going to come back from this.”

I gasp, shaking my head as I hold in the welling tears. I won’t cry, because I’m positive he must be wrong; Makoto can’t go on living like this.

“I’ll try keeping you updated when we find out new things,” he reassures me. “But I’m not allowed to share everything with you, so I might not be able to answer all of your questions though I’ll try.”

I nod. And he also tells me that I’ll be allowed to visit him every once in a while, if his parents agree, maybe once or twice a week, because it might help refresh his memory to see a familiar face other than his family’s.

I swallow away the pain and force myself to nod and thank doctor Daiki for telling me, even though I’m not at all thankful for having to hear something like that about Makoto.

After thanking doctor Daiki, we part ways; he goes into Makoto’s room to do whatever he was about to do when he found me and I go back to my dorm room. I need some time for myself, maybe an hour or maybe a few days, I don’t know yet.

As soon as I close my door behind me, I feel gravity dragging me down. I slide to the floor with my back against the closed door.

And I cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Does Makoto really remember nothing?   
> Or isn't it as bad as it seems?


	35. 'Cause it Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does Makoto really remember nothing at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!
> 
> Heck I am stressed out lately, haha. So my first actual lessons will start tomorrow and I am just so fricking nervous...   
> But yeah, the chapter, the chapter...   
> I tried my best potraying everything from Makoto's perspective in this chapter, it might be a little unclear or maybe you find this chapter sucks, I don't know, but I liked writing it and I hope you like reading it too :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 35: ‘Cause It Hurts

The small room is filled with people, a lot of them.

I recognize some of the people, but not completely. There’s this older woman with green hair and a lot of wrinkles around her eyes. She looks sad, but kind, like she could be a nanny or a teacher.

Maybe that’s where I recognize her from. I think she might be a teacher at my school or that she’s taken care of me when I was littler.

Then there’s this man, he’s holding the woman’s hand almost all the time. He has brown hair and glasses that he takes off all the time to rub his face.

He also looks very sad. I don’t know why, because if I would be holding the hand of a woman as pretty as her I wouldn’t be looking that sad.

Two kids younger than me are also constantly running through the room. They look almost the same, but not completely. One of them is a girl with the same color hair as the older woman and the other is a boy with brown hair just like the man.

The kids have been doing things on the floor all the time and sometimes the yell at each other and the woman will get mad at them. But right now the kids are both sleeping on chairs with their heads lying on the end of my bed.

They all look a little sad all the time, and I try to figure out why. Just like I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m wherever I am and why it’s so hard to speak and who I am. I don’t know the answer to any of my questions.

I want to ask where I am, but when I open my mouth all that comes out is a painful groan. It hurts my throat whenever I do that and something in my mouth also starts to tingle and itch really badly when I do that.

The woman looks at me with a sad frown before turning to the man, asking, “Dear, can you give me a napkin?”

The man gets up really slowly, he moves really slowly all the time, and walks up to something in the distance. It’s some kind of table which stands against the wall and there are all sorts of things on it that I have never seen before.

When the man gets back he gives a piece of paper to the woman. When she looks back at me she smiles kindly while she leans closer.

“Makoto, you’ve got a little…” She rubs against my mouth and chin with the piece of paper and that feels nice for some reason. “… dribble.” She leans back into her chair again and smiles at me. “There, that’s better. Isn’t it, sweetie?”

_Sweetie?_ She called me that many times already. But why?

If she’s a nanny she wouldn’t call me sweetie, would she? Maybe I’m closer to her than that, but I don’t know what’s closer than a nanny.

_Maybe she’s my mother?_ I tell myself that that can’t be the case, because I would’ve recognized her if she was. She must be a nanny or something.

I stare into the woman’s eyes and see how her face becomes sadder again when she looks away. She gives the man a hug, he still looks sad about it.

The door opens, it makes much noise which hurts my head. A man walks into the room, I think he’s younger than the man and woman who have been near me the entire time, and I recognize the man; he was in my room a while ago, doing things to me and sometimes they hurt me.

“Miss and mister Tachibana,” he says, making a short bow towards the woman and the man. “Thank you, again, so much for coming by.” He makes a sound like breathing out and after that he takes a chair which I didn’t even know was in the room. Maybe this man is a wizard, because he can just make things appear and disappear like a wizard. He did that earlier too, when he was in the room with me, he made a needle thing appear and put it in my arm.

It’s still in my arm, maybe it’s giving me special powers too.

“I have news about your son,” the wizard man says.

I turn to the two kids, wondering if one of them is the son of the nanny. And why am I also in this room? Maybe the woman is my mother after all… but that couldn’t be the case, because I’m sure she’s a nanny.

I feel a hand holding mine, squeezing it lightly. I’m glad, because I was really jealous of the older man, I wanted to hold the woman’s hand too. She’s pretty and really nice, she helps me all the time and I don’t even have to ask for it.

“As I already told you Makoto’s having an episode,” the wizard man tells the woman and the man. He keeps talking, but I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. The man uses words which might not even really exist, like gastrostomy, cognitive behavior, inability and lack of verbal communication.

It all sounds very wizard, but I don’t know what he’s talking about.

The woman and man do seem to know what he’s saying and they look really sad about it. When the wizard man leaves the room after talking to them the woman even starts crying.

I’m very mad at the wizard man for making the woman sad. I wish I could say something about it to him so he wouldn’t do that again.

I also want to tell the woman that it is okay and that she doesn’t have to cry over what the mean wizard man told her. I want to hold her hand again, but she let go and I don’t think I’m strong enough to lift up my hand to take hers.

I do try to tell her that it’s going to be okay, but all the happens is that I open my mouth and groan. Pain shoots through my throat and I close my eyes for a second.

When I open my eyes again, the woman is looking at me with red eyes, I think she cried really hard.

When she smiles kindly to me, she makes a little sound that makes water drip from her eyes again. She’s really sad. I don’t like that.

What I do like is when she comes closer to me and she gives me a hug. It’s a nice and warm hug, but not too warm. It’s the kind of hug that only nice people can give and she gives the best hugs because she is the nicest person I know.

When she’s hugging me, I see everything blurry and my eyes and mouth are feeling really wet and cold. My nose feels like it’s also crying, just like the woman.

She hugs me for long, not minding that I’m getting her shoulder wet, and when she sits back she takes a lot of pieces of paper. Because she’s nice she shares it with me. She uses one half of the paper for herself, to wipe away the water under her eyes.

The other half she uses to help me, wiping all the wetness off my cheeks and chin, because she’s so nice. I just wish I could remember who she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Everything is off, knowing that Makoto's not who he used to be...


	36. I Bet You Don't Curse God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto is really being missed, everything is different without him.

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 36: I Bet You Don’t Curse God

Breakfast has been the most depressing part of my day ever since what happened with Makoto, three days ago. It’s because we’re all together, but we’re missing two members of a group making all of us sad.

Nagisa tries his very best to cheer Rei and me up every morning, but he fails most of the times. He fails with Rei because he’s known both Rin and Makoto since their first day here and therefore has a great bond with both of them. And he fails to cheer me up, because I’m worried, very worried about both Makoto and Rin, even though I don’t know them for too long.

I remember their faces when I told them about what happened to Makoto. They came to my room the same afternoon, because none of us showed up to resting period or breakfast or lunch. Nagisa and Rei both thought it had something to do with what had happened with Rin, but that wasn’t the case at all.

Nagisa and Rei both started crying when I told them what had happened and I won’t ever be able to forget the confusement and fear in their eyes when I said that even doctor Daiki doesn’t know if Makoto is going to recover from this.

This morning Nagisa’s doing a better job with trying to cheer us up. Rei has been able to give him a laugh and he actually is distracting me a little too.

“Anyway,” Nagisa says after keeping an entire speech about how I should start smiling more and how Rei shouldn’t eat so many greens but more sweets in Nagisa’s opinion. His face suddenly is very serious, so I think he has some new news about either Rin or Makoto. It must be about Rin, because all the news about Makoto has gone directly to me and not to Nagisa and Rei first.

“We can visit Rin this afternoon during resting period,” Nagisa tells us. “We might even see Sousuke while we’re there. That’d be fun, wouldn’t it?”

Rei smiles and it’s the first time I saw a real smile from him since what happened. I nod, glad because I was wondering when we would finally get called to the medical building so we can visit Rin. We haven’t seen him since what happened, since only family was allowed inside – and boyfriends, apparently.

The bell rings already, even though I had the feeling that breakfast has only just started. Before we all go to our own classes, Nagisa turns to me and asks, “So, Haru, you’re also coming to visit Rin this afternoon?”

I nod, making him smile wide.

After that I put away my tray and drag myself through my first two classes. I’ve skipped class for one day, but when nurse Aki found out that I wasn’t actually doing worse than usual but I just was dealing with a lot of emotions she just put me on antidepressants and told me to start going back to school again.

After the lessons, I meet up with Nagisa and Rei. A nurse I don’t recognize is waiting for us at the entrance of the medical building so she can show us to Rin’s room and we don’t have to search for it.

Honestly, I’m glad, because that means that we don’t have to wander around the medical building searching for the room; there would be a chance that we’d walk past Makoto’s room and it’s a place I don’t want to look inside. Every time I think back to how unrecognizable Makoto looked that day, I get a knot in my stomach.

It doesn’t take long before we reach Rin’s room, but before we go inside the nurse warns us that Rin hasn’t quite adjusted to talking with a tracheotomy yet so he will only be able to answer to yes-or-no questions.

“Have fun, boys,” she tells us afterwards, with a kind smile that every nurse in this place seems to have. “But don’t stay too long, he still needs a lot of rest, okay?”

“Understood!” Nagisa answers for all of us and we go inside.

The room in completely full when we’re also inside. There are quite a lot of people here to visit Rin; an older woman with the same color hair, whom I think is his mother, there’s also this younger girl who’s Rin’s younger sister for sure.

I don’t see a father, but there is another guy of our age in the room. He’s holding Rin’s hand and when we’re just walking in he’s also the one who’s having a conversation with Rin. And Rin seems to be enjoying the conversation, because there’s a smile on his face when he looks from the guy to us.

I’m glad to see that Rin can still smile, but that doesn’t take away how awful he looks. His eyes are surrounded with dark circles and he looks thinner than before. And then there’s the tracheotomy which makes him look even worse, because it shows that there have been complications after they’d taken him to the emergency room that evening.

“Good to see you Rin!” Nagisa is very loud and Rin winces when Nagisa screams his name in happiness. “And Sousuke too!”

Rin smiles at Nagisa and the guy, who’s Rin’s boyfriend according to the name Nagisa calls him, laughs too. “Good to see you too, Nagisa,” he says afterwards. “And you too, Rei.” After that Sousuke’s gaze moves to me and he smiles, the way he acts and remembers everyone’s names doesn’t show anything of that he’s been through the same as Makoto, which gives me a little hope.

“You’re new, aren’t you?” Sousuke asks as Nagisa and I grab some extra chairs and sit down on the other side of Rin’s bed. I nod as an answer to Sousuke’s question and he immediately introduces himself. “I’m Sousuke Yamazaki.” He pauses, giving Rin a quick glance. “Rin’s boyfriend.”

“I’m Haruka Nanase,” I reply, before looking back at Rin.

I wonder how he’s feeling and if he remembers anything from that night. But I can’t ask him, since he won’t be able to answer anyway.

Fortunately for me Nagisa does know how to do some small talking and Rei, Sousuke and Rin’s sister Gou are able to fill in the silences that fall. They talk about how Rin’s doing, and Rin sticks up his thumb to tell us that he’s doing great while Sousuke explains how Rin is doing so much better than a couple of days ago when they didn’t think he’d wake up from the coma he was in.

We’re having quite a lot of fun, until Sousuke finally asks, “What about Makoto?”

Every one of us goes silent. I stare down at my lap.

“I mean, is he still coming?” he asks. “I thought he’d be later, but not this late.”

I feel all eyes turning to me, even Nagisa’s and he’s usually the one to talk. When I look up I’m staring straight into Rin’s worried eyes.

“Makoto’s not coming,” I mumble, even though I don’t want to be the one to break the news to him. Why can’t it be Nagisa or Rei who tells him, or why can’t doctor Daiki tell him what happened?

Rin glances at Sousuke, just a quick glance and Sousuke immediately asks, “What happened?” They both look back at me, two pairs of afraid eyes looking at me.

“He’s stuck in an episode,” I tell them, because that’s the only way I can say it without having to tell everything that happened. I just can’t really talk about what happened with getting choked up immediately.

Rin stares at me for a while, big eyes and much confusion and fear written all over his face, before tears start to run over his cheeks. Sousuke immediately gives Rin a tight hug, but Rin doesn’t stop crying.

I can’t watch this, I can’t watch people crying right now. So I get up and walk towards the door. When my hand’s still resting on the doorknob Nagisa asks me where I’m going.

“I’m going outside,” I tell him, because I need some alone time.

It’s so bad that I nearly started crying in Rin’s hospital room. But I hold it back until I’m standing outside in the pouring rain.

That way no one can see that I’m crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:   
> Let's make a book with memories... just in case Haruka's able to help Makoto remember.


	37. I Don’t Want To Lose You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if they make a book to get Makoto to remember?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> We're reaching the end of the story, only two more chapters to go after this one.   
> I'm so excited for you to read the last chapters, I'm so f*cking proud of this work!!!  
> Soooo, enjoy!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Haruka Nanase**

Chapter 37: I Don’t Want To Lose You

It’s almost a week later, and I guess I can say a lot has happened since a week ago; Rin got out of the hospital and is now revalidating. He’s not yet able to walk yet, because he’s been in bed for so long, but he’s getting more adjusted to talking with his tracheotomy.

So during resting period Rin’s joining us again, but we don’t go out in the woods so often. There are two reasons for that; because I am terrified of going where I found Makoto laying on the ground and because it’s very hard to get through the mud when we have two people using wheelchairs.

Makoto, on the other hand, is still about the same; not much verbal communication, I heard he talked a few times but not much, failing motor system and almost no access to older memories for as far as they know.

I also heard that they had to put him under anesthetics a few days ago because he wasn’t eating well, he couldn’t swallow the food properly, so they had to place a feeding tube. I’ve seen him afterwards, but he was asleep when I got there and for some reason I was very glad about that since he looks more like himself that way.

Today during resting period, we get together with the entire group, because we all wanted to talk about ways to get Makoto back to normal. We noticed how much we needed him in our group, because he’s basically a mom-figure for all of us and without him we get into so much more trouble, or so it seems.

That’s why I’m now on my way to Rei’s room, we’re actually not allowed in there anymore, but because it’s the only place we can talk in private we almost have to meet up there.

I knock on the door and Nagisa’s the one to open it. Rin and Rei are already inside and Nagisa has saved a spot on the bed for me. That’s where I sit down, with my notebook and pencil in hand because I want to write all the ideas down.

“Okay, let’s start this meeting,” Nagisa says with an overly dramatic official voice as if he’s some important person at a big meeting over politics or something. “The subject is ‘Makoto’, and the question is ‘what can we do to get him back?’.”

Rei chuckles, because even though it’s a very serious subject Nagisa always finds a way to make everyone less serious.

“I thought maybe we could gather some pictures?” Rei suggests. “Nagisa has been taking a lot over the couple of past months and I’m sure if we’ll show them Makoto must remember some of them.”

I write it down, together with “gather memories in book?” just when Nagisa suggests to write or put everything we find into a book.

“Memories that might really help him remember,” Rin suggests, his voice is squeaky and hoarse so he has to explain himself even more before we actually get what he means. “We can brainstorm about good moments he must remember and write them down.”

“Good idea!” Rei and Nagisa reply in sync, so I write that down as well.

At the end of our meeting we’ve got a lot of ideas for how we can try to get Makoto’s memories back and we’ve also divided the tasks that come with them.

Nagisa will look for the pictures, since most of them will be in his room, and afterwards he and Rei will go to doctor Daiki to inform him about our idea and try to convince him that it’s a good idea.

Before going to doctor Daiki, Rei and Rin will brainstorm about good moments that might help Makoto remember, I’ll write the stories down in one of my unused drawing books so we all have them in one place.

So I’ll do all the writing and getting the memory book together into one “gift” so we can easily present it to Makoto. I also will go into Makoto’s room this afternoon to see if he has anything lying in his room that might help us.

After dividing the task we all go to our last lessons of the day. As soon as my last class ends, I go to Makoto’s room.

It’s strange to go inside, knowing he won’t be there. It’s a mess in his room, so I guess before it happened he might’ve forgotten to clean up for a while. Especially his desk is a mess, there are many post-its scattered around the wooden surface.

I lean in closer to see what he’s written on it, but I’m not suspecting to find anything interesting; I just thought these are the notes he used to keep track of his medication, but that’s not the case.

They’re all color coded stacks of post-its, and they’re written on on both sides. I read one of the little bundles and it’s giving me a lot of information about Makoto, information I didn’t even know about him.

I find a few more about us, Rin and Nagisa, Rei and me, and also about Makoto’s family and about Sousuke too. They’re all filled with so much information.

I smiles and hold the little bundles of important information against my chest as if I’m hugging them. _I’m so glad Makoto wrote this down_ , I tell myself while I happily close my eyes. _He’s so smart!_

I take the notes to my room, certain we will be able to use these and positive they’ll help Makoto remembering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:   
> Will their attempt on getting Makoto's memories back to normal work?
> 
> Or will this never be a happy ending?


	38. What Love Really Means

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Haru's attempt at fixing Makoto's memories work? Or is Makoto too far gone?

**Makoto Tachibana**

Chapter 38: What Love Really Means

Days here are strange. I barely ever leave my room and time sometimes passes very quickly while other times it takes a long time for something to go by.

I don’t know for how long I’ve been here. I think it’s long.

Sometimes the older woman and man sitting at my bed leave and someone comes by to tell me it’s time to sleep when they leave. I miss them sometimes, but I still haven’t found out who they are.

I also am very sure that the man that does painful things to me sometimes is a wizard. He made me go to sleep one day, but I didn’t want to sleep. I don’t remember what happened while I was sleepy or before that, but when I woke up the woman and man and their kids were back in my room. I had a bellyache and I think they stopped giving me real food because of that.

I’m never hungry. Maybe it’s because they give me special food through a strange thing in my stomach. I’ve seen it a few times, how they push something into my belly through the strange hole. I’m sure it’s magic.

Today the woman and man are sitting next to my bed again. They start looking sadder every time they walk through the door. I hope they’re not fighting when they’re not here.

The kids sometimes fight over some things, but it’s not often because the man and woman will get mad. And sometimes they cry when I smile at them, I don’t know why, I think I scare them.

The kids are also here now, but they’re not playing games on the floor right now. They’re both sitting on the man and woman’s laps. And they’re both looking at me.

The man and woman also look at me until the door opens.

Most time the door opens and the wizard man walks in and talks to them. I still don’t always understand what he talks to them about, but I think it’s me they talk about. They talk about ‘Makoto’ and the woman and man call me that all the time.

This time it isn’t the wizard man. There are more people coming in through the door and when they’re all inside the room is full.

Two people are in rolling chairs, I don’t think they can walk, and the other two are pushing them. The woman asks the walking people to take a chair but there aren’t any left. They don’t sit down.

Everyone is looking at me. They all look very sad.

I don’t think I know most of them. Maybe I do, because they all look at me like they know me. Everyone always looks at me like they know me, but I don’t know them and I think something is wrong with me.

One of them is crying. It’s someone with long pink hair, long like a girl, but I think he’s a boy. He is wearing a strange tight collar, like a dog, and I don’t know why he’s wearing that because it doesn’t look pretty on him.

Another boy is also in a chair with wheels. He is wearing pretty glasses, I wish my glasses were that pretty and red, but mine are black and I never wear them.

“Hi, Mako!” A short, thin boy is the only one who talks. He is loud and that hurts my head. I close my eyes because of the sting.

The others also say “hello” or wave at me. One of them doesn’t. I think I know him, because he’s been in my room before.

He’s always silent. The only things he says are “hello” and “goodbye”, but I want him to talk more when he’s with me because I like the way his voice sounds.

The boy is very pretty. Prettier than the older woman, because she’s old and this boy is young. And the boy has pretty blue eyes and a fun blue hat and I always want to know what his hair looks like, but he never takes off the hat.

That boy is walking to me and he looks very sad when he reaches my bed. Maybe I’m staring at him because he is so pretty. I found out that when I look at people they look very sad, so I try not to look at people too much.

He is holding a thing in his hand. It’s big and there’s green paper around it. I think green is my favorite color, because it’s pretty.

The boy doesn’t smile when he gives the green paper thing to me. The thing lies on my lap and I don’t know what to do with it. I look at the woman who smiles and says, “Go on, you can open it, sweetie.”

I look back at the thing, I think it’s a present for me. I want to open it really badly, but it’s hard to move my hands.

I’m happy when I feel hands holding mine and helping me open the present. The pretty boy is helping me.

When the green paper is away there’s another color under it. There’s something written on it, but it’s hard to read it. Maybe the letters are blurry because I’m not wearing my glasses. So I look back to the boy, he still doesn’t smile but he does tell me what’s written on the present.

“The cure,” he says. I don’t really know why that is on the present, but I know cures heal people when they’re sick. I’m not sure, maybe I’m sick too.

He opens the present, because it’s a book. The first page he shows me has a picture on it. It’s stuck onto the paper with colorful tape. I think it’s really pretty.

There are things written on the paper, but I can’t read them. The boy is nice enough to read them for me. He talks slowly pointing at people in the picture.

“Rin Matsuoka,” he says, pointing at a smiling boy with long pink hair. Next he points at a boy with red glasses and says, “Rei Ryuugazaki.”

He points at everyone in the picture. Everyone in the picture looks like someone in the room. There’s also someone in the picture who looks like the pretty boy, but he isn’t wearing the blue hat. The boy says that boy in the picture is called “Haruka Nanase” and I think that is his name.

The last person the boy points at is someone I remember seeing in the mirror next to my bed. He looks better than the person I saw in the mirror. I’m sure that is me, but I don’t remember taking a picture with these people.

Did I even meet them before today?

The boy, Haruka Nanase, flips the page. He starts reading, because there’s a long story on the pages and there are also pictures I can look at while he talks.

He tells me about this boy getting sick; he had to go to a boarding school. They said he was going to forget, because he was sick. But the sick boy had a family and best friends and a boyfriend.

And the boy didn’t want to forget, that’s why he made sure he wouldn’t forget.

The boy wrote notes with everything he knew about his friends. But what he didn’t write down were the moments they spend together.

That was his mistake, because when he got sicker he forgot about the notes. And he forgot about his family and his best friends and his boyfriend. And he forgot about everything they had done together.

“That’s why we made this for you, Makoto,” Haruka Nanase says, flipping the page again. “All of the people you know, all of the memories you are not allowed to forget. Because they’re the most important part of you, they make you who you are today.”

The next page is filled with notes and they’re written on. And there are pictures and some of them have messages and hearts written on them and they’re all taped into the book with the same beautiful, colorful tape.

Haruka Nanase reads about the people the boy knew, and the memories he forgot when he got sicker. He flips and reads until there’s a page without pictures or notes taped to it. There’s writing in thick black marker.

“Makoto, do you remember?” Haruka Nanase asks.

I glare at the page at the handwriting and I think back to everything he read to me just now. That’s when it hits me; this wasn’t some story book, these are my memories!

I open my mouth in confusement, because every moment Haruka just talked about suddenly comes back to me. Vivid memories without any white clouds over them to keep me from seeing them.

I look at the woman sitting beside me, she looks so very hopeful but her face goes sad when my eyes meet hers. I must’ve been salivating again, because she grabs a piece of kitchen towel and leans towards me, ready to wipe off my face.

But I force my shaking arm to move up to hers, and I grab her arm with my weak hand. I’m not able to hold her, but she stops anyway.

“Don’t,” I mumble, my tongue feeling itchy and tingly and numb.

Her eyes glare into mine and I feel how a smile forms on my face when I add, “Mom.”

She squeaks cheerfully while tears start running over her cheeks. I want to tell her not to cry, because I’ve seen her crying too many times in the past few days, but my tongue won’t let me speak more than one word at a time without drooling all over the place.

“Dad.” I turn to dad, who’s sitting beside mom. He has a happy smile on stuck to his face and it makes me so happy to see both of them smile again.

I can’t forget my little siblings. “Ren and Ran,” I say next, even though it’s hard. They both have huge smiles on their faces when they drape themselves onto my lap. Mom quickly tells them to be careful, but I don’t mind and I don’t feel any pain even though Ren and Ran have gotten so much heavier since last time they laid on top of me.

My gaze moves around the room until it meets Rin’s. It’s painful to see him, now that I remember what happened that night. I push the thought away, because he’s looking very healthy comparing to last time I saw him.

“Hey, Rin.” Rin starts smiling through his tears and if it wouldn’t be this hard to talk I would’ve asked him to stop crying. I’d have something to laugh about when he’d say that he isn’t crying like he always does.

Rei’s sitting next to Rin, and Nagisa’s standing behind Rei’s wheelchair leaning on the handles like he always does.

I smile, but my mouth isn’t really working with me right now, I wonder if it even looks like a smile to them or just some kind of grimace. They smile back when I slowly call out their names as well, because I remember them.

Lastly, my eyes meet Haruka’s.

He’s still not smiling, but I wasn’t expecting him to. I bet I hurt him a lot when he had to see me like this and that’s exactly why I couldn’t let myself give into his love at first. But now it’s already too late anyway, and I know only one thing that’ll make him show me the smile I crave so badly.

I grimace while I move my body closer to Haruka. He looks a little confused, because he probably also knows how hard it to move for me, so why do it?

Because I love him, because I have to do this.

I make sure to have eye contact with him before kissing him. It’s not a long kiss, but I’ve been craving it unknowingly every time he entered my room.

I don’t even care that I’m salivating all over the place or that my parents might not even know about me and Haruka being together.

When I back up I stare straight into Haruka’s bright blue eyes and watch as a beautiful smile appears underneath them. There are tears in his eyes, but not the sad tears that have been filling up his eyes every time he visited me before today.

He never cried when he was with me, neither did he smile. But now he’s doing both, especially when I call out his name.

“Haruka Nanase,” I say, going in for another kiss; because I remember everyone, I remember _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Last chapter!!!


	39. Epilogue: The Book Of You And I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything that happened after!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready?

**Haruka Nanase**

Epilogue: The Book Of You & I

We’re all sitting outside in the early summer sun.

Months have gone by and we’ve all gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. Most of the emotions were high peaks of happiness, there was some sadness and fear too.

We all made a lot of progress in our health in the past few months.

Nagisa made such great progress that he’s probably allowed to go home in a few months, but he says he’ll still visit every Sunday to hang out with all of us.

Rei hasn’t made so much progress, but he’s not doing worse either what’s a good thing with a terminal disease. The same goes for me, but it doesn’t look like Rei nor me will go home sometime soon. I don’t really mind though.

Rin is doing much better now; he’s not wheelchair bound anymore, because revalidating did him good. He’s also completely adjusted to speaking with his tracheotomy, and he’s experiencing less breathing problems now.

But out of all of us Makoto’s health has improved the most, and of course I’m very glad it has.

Makoto had to go through a long healing process, and I’m not lying when I say that he’s still not completely back to normal.

He had to stay mostly in bed for another month after the day that we helped him remember. He could barely speak or move and he needed help with everything at the time. But he regained access to most memories again, even though he still sometimes suddenly forgets one of our names or he forgets what he’s doing.

He has had a lot of therapy sessions, for speech, memory and physically, and it was great to be there beside him when he finally walked on his own again two months after he got out of the hospital.

Not long after he also started talking more and more, he had a lot to say and he still has, I think he talks even more than Nagisa now that he’s finally gotten his speech back to normal-ish; he still has a very slurred speech though.

One of the first longer sentences Makoto said to me was that he’s really glad I’m his boyfriend. And we still are together, officially together so we no longer call it “just dating”.

Makoto’s brain took a hard hit when he had that epileptic seizure, and that’s why I had to remind him many times that we were together, but I’m positive that he won’t forget it anymore now because he reminds me of how glad he is about us being together every day at breakfast.

He doesn’t quite act like eighteen, he’s aged up and we had a big party, some days he doesn’t act his age at all. Sometimes he really acts like a kid, but not an annoying one of course. It’s cute, but sometimes it also painful to watch.

Nagisa’s the one who deals with that the best, I think because he sometimes acts a little younger than his own age himself.

The rest of us struggle with it sometimes, but most times it doesn’t really bother us at all because we all know Makoto can’t help it and probably doesn’t even notice it himself to begin with.

Past week has been the first sunny week and it was very hot the entire week. That’s why we all went swimming this morning during the school activity. It was very much fun, but Rei and I had to watch from the side of the pool mostly, which I hated because I wanted to swim so badly.

But we did have a water gun fight on the grass afterwards, so we all were able to participate in the water fun as well.

And now we’re all sitting on blankets on the field in front of the boys’ dorms.

We’re all wet and tired from running outside all morning, but it has been a fun morning.

I’m lying on my back, sunbathing, when Makoto suddenly nudges me. I yawn and push myself upright so I can see what he’s doing.

“I forgot that one word again,” Makoto says, pointing at a thick composition book he’s been writing in for the couple of past days. “You know, uhm, that thing I tend to do a lot.”

I frown in confusement. He does a lot of things really often, like squinting his eyes at me when he doesn’t understand me, or closing them when he smiles really wide.

“Come on,” he mumbles, glancing away in annoyment. I know he hates it whenever he can’t find the right word for something. “Like, uhm, when my mouth waters up completely?”

I think for a moment before I finally am able to kind of guess what he means. “Do you mean ‘salivating’?”

Makoto smiles and nods. “I think that’s the right word for it. Salivating, okay.” He continues writing, his pencil lightly scribbling over the paper.

I lie back down, but keep watching him anyway, because I like to watch him as he writes. I like how he sticks his tongue out a little when he writes, it’s cute.

As I’m watching him scribble away in the notebook I start to wonder what he’s writing in there. I must be important to him, because he always looks so focussed when he’s writing in the notebook.

“What are you writing, Makoto?” I ask.

Makoto hums, meaning he doesn’t understand me and I have to repeat myself or I have to wait for him to answer since he’s busy. It’s the last one this time, because not long after Makoto turns his head to me and smiles wide. “I’m making a book with all of my memories.”

I tilt my head a little, because I’m curious what he means by that. He seems to understand what I mean and hands me the composition book.

All pages are written on from top to bottom, all in Makoto’s rather sloppy handwriting, but I can read it just fine. This page he’s now writing is about a couple of months back, but he’s almost written on every page of the composition book by now.

He’s writing about the day we gave him that present, the one that made him remember everything. I know he still has it lying around, because I found it under his pillow not so long ago. He sleeps with it, that’s how much it means to him.

It’s strange to read how that moment was for him, because it’s different from how I experienced it of course.

He’s underlined certain words; “memories”, “remember” and “boyfriend”, words like that and every name that he’s written down.

“You inspired me to do this, because you said the biggest mistake I made was not writing down my memories,” Makoto explains proudly. “So that’s what I’m doing, I’m making sure that I will never forget all of these moments, the good and the bad. Because they’re important to me and they are the cure, because they are me.”

I feel a tiny smile appearing on my face, not only because Makoto calls me pretty many times on only one page, but also because Makoto seems so happy writing about this. He seems too cheerful whenever he’s talking about how he suddenly remembered and how glad he is that we all were there besides him.

I scan the page in silence, but I don’t read it because it kind of hurts me to think back to it too much; it reminds me of the painful weeks that came before that day.

But I stop reading when I read the last sentence on the page, “ _That lucky day love was the cure I got, and the cure I really needed.”_ I smile, because we were the cure that Makoto needed.

“What do you think?” Makoto asks, lying down beside me with his nose almost touching my cheek.

I feel that I’m blushing, because I’m happy and because Makoto’s really close to me and I get red every time he gets so close.

“It’s great.” I turn my face to him and give him a short kiss. “You should become a writer.”

Makoto chuckles and tells me that no one would ever buy his books, they would never sell as well as the books he has read. But I tell him that I’m not kidding. “You should bring out this memory book,” I suggest, because I know it must sell very well. Not because the writing is so good, because it can be a bit childish at moments, but because it’s sincere emotions on paper. “People will love you and your writing.”

No,” Makoto mumbles, starting to blush right after. “I mean, I’m not good at all,” he adds.

He starts rattling about how John Green’s books are so much better, even though he only read one. And how people would choose “Extraordinary Means” over his writing and how Lara Avery probably portrayed NPC better in “The Memory Book” than Makoto ever could, even though she’s never experienced it herself and he has.

He does this often, just going on and on about something, while not even really making the point he’s trying to. I like it when he does this too, because that means I don’t have to talk, he just basically fills in what I’d say himself and talks for a few minutes straight.

But when he finally goes silent, he looks embarrassed when he asks, “But do you really think that?”

I nod, because I do.

“But really,” he continues, glaring at the sky now. “What if I’d take it to a bookstore who can sell it for me, it’s really embarrassing to show them the memories from when I was really little.” He pauses and his mouth forms into a firm line as he thinks. “I don’t want to bring that into the world. But it might also help people who are going through the same as me, doesn’t it?” He pauses again, looking me in the eyes as I nod. “Yes, but still. I don’t know.”

“You can choose a moment for it to start,” I suggest, but I don’t even know if that’s a good idea. Makoto looks a little confused, but he smiles when he says, “In that case I want it to start when you came into my life.”

I snort, because we were five when that happened, even I can’t clearly remember that. Makoto seems to realize that too, so he quickly adds, “I mean, when you arrived here as well.”

I nod; it’s a good idea, but I wonder why he doesn’t start it when he arrived here instead.

“Hmmm,” Makoto mumbles. “But I don’t exactly remember what happened, not everything at least.”

“I’ll help you,” I tell him, if that is what’ll make him happy I’ll do everything.

Makoto blinks and asks, “How?”

“We’ll write it together,” I say, feeling with my hand until I find his. I wrap my hand around his and add, “I’ll write my memories and you yours.”

“And we’ll put them in one big story,” Makoto finishes my sentence as if he can read my mind. He smiles and I nod. “I’d love that!”

Makoto gives me a hug and while he’s holding me tight he whispers, “I already know how I want to name it.” He pauses and lets go of me. “Do you want to know?”

I nod, because of course I want to hear what he wants to name it. But Makoto doesn’t tell my right away, first he kisses me and then he smiles with his head slightly tilted and his eyes closed.

“We’ll call it,” he begins, smiling even wider. “ _If Love Could Be The Cure We Need_.”

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> Yes, this is actually the end of "If Love Could Be The Cure We Need".  
> My longest project ever has made its way all onto the internet, haha! It's my proudest work, and I really enjoyed writing this too! I'm literally crying because it's the end of such a rollercoaster of emotions; I laughed while writing, I cried while writing and, oh my god, the amounts of hours that went into researching everything I needed for this story... jeezzz!
> 
> But yeah, I'm proud fanfiction writer, and I hope I have some proud readers as well.  
> So, I enjoyed writing this so fricking much... I might (I'm not sure yet) give this a part 2, if you also want that. It will last a long time until I'll be able to write it, probably, because I'm working on a pretty big project called "Heartbeat Remix" right now - It's a 3 part series with 3 stand alone Hospital AUs covering the SouRin, ReiGisa and MakoHaru ships - and since I also started college a little while ago, I might not have too much time to write. 
> 
> But, yeah, let me know what you think, should I write a part 2 and what would you like to read if I'd make a part 2 of "If Love Could Be The Cure We Need".  
> Of course, I'd love to hear what you thought of this; the story, the finale, my portraying of the characters and their diseases?
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Love, Noa <3
> 
> _________________________
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMkqOr_Ku_X8rHnf-BhZgwDcBqTJaKJCI  
> These are the songs that have been used for titles :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!  
> So I see you found my fanfiction, which means you probably know "Free!" and there's no need for me to tell you that I don't own these characters. 
> 
> What I do have to tell you is that I wrote this fanfiction with as inspiration source "Extraordinary Means" by Robyn Schneider, so if you've read that you might see some similarity with her book. I reassure you that I have not just taken her plot and threw the "Free!" characters in it, because as you know the characters make the story, not the writer. I just want you to know that I got inspired by "Extraordinary Means" but that this isn't a fanfiction about that or using Robyn's characters and/or plot, it's mere inspirement. 
> 
> Other than that I hope you enjoy the story, and are able to look past some of the typos I made or mistakes when trying to potray the illnesses; I've done my research, but I'm not a doctor nor have I had one of these diseases (or know anyone who has them), so if you see mistakes you're allowed to inform me about them so in that case I don't make them again. 
> 
> Now enjoy!  
> Love, Noa <3
> 
> PS. I'll post a new chapter every Sunday and Thursday, and the story has already been completed so no worries about it suddenly stopped halfway <3


End file.
